It's April 9th.
My friend Jacquelyn tells me it's normal. After all, I have three weeks left of my undergrad journey, which means, folks, it's the end of an era (cue symphony playing a dramatic finale measure). If that doesn't make you get a little emotional, well - you're probably not about to graduate college, so leave me alone! YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME! *weeps*
On top of the nostalgia (and PTSD from two semesters of Portuguese), there's also the fact that I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. I've spent countless hours pouring over job sites and stressing about how I'm going to survive, and, oh - it's not looking good.
It's not that I can't get a job, it's just that... I can't really get a job. At least, not really one that pays a living wage... and one that has a description that makes me think, "hey, I guess I might NOT jump off a bridge if I had this job..."
So... there's that. There's also the moments of sheer panic where I start to hyperventilate and count the pennies languishing in my car floorboards just in case I'm homeless and need them (soon). I know, I have nothing to complain about. I live in the great capitalist United States of 'Merica, I have a roof over my head, I just finished four years at a (just okay...) university, and I've got my whole life ahead of me!
That's exactly the problem - my whole life! *morphs into Edvard Munch's The Scream* My whole freaking stupid life is ahead of me, and you know what?! That's freaking scary, man. I'm standing precariously at the top of a page on two giant inky words that say CHAPTER ONE, and I'm about to jump into a sea of nothingness. A whole bunch of pages that are crisp, white, and utterly empty.
And I'm supposed to fill those pages with what?! A career? Hobbies? Kids? Pshh. Yeeeeah.
I've been told** that it's ok to feel a little lost and aimless right now. I've been flattered, in the past, by those who found my dark and despairing humor entertaining. On this blog, I managed to make some of my deepest & darkest fears cute, clever and somewhat laughable.* But where's the line between "cute depressing" and "depressing depressing"?
To answer that question, I don't know, but I promise to keep trying until I find out.
Oh, by the way, I'm writing again. My condolences. :)
_____________________________
*Unless you all are liars! In which case... OH GOD WHAT A FOOL I AM
**I don't know if I was actually told this or if I made it up to feel better about myself.
