My Struggle With "Cultural Appropriation"

I'm sort of ashamed to admit this, but though I hail from Asheville NC, one of the most liberal cities in the south, there are are many, MANY progressive concepts I had not heard of until I transferred for my junior year to Agnes Scott in Atlanta. Being from Asheville, I thought I was pretty up-to-date on liberalism. Turns out, I pretty much lived under a rock. I didn't hear the term "cultural appropriation" until my junior year of college, and it was (and is, I guess) a pretty confusing idea that I'm currently doing my best to understand, accept, and respect. But I've got some deep-set childhood shame issues now if this is true, so listen to my story and tell me what you think....

It was within the first two or three days in my apartment that the concept of "cultural appropriation" came up in a conversation with my roommates, and woah, I was pretty floored that I hadn't heard of it before. We were talking about dreadlocks on white people, and how unacceptable it was at Agnes Scott. I was completely taken aback, because if you're from Asheville you know dreadlocks on white people is COMPLETELY common-place, and it's very likely to be a young democrat that has them (not stereotyping! But you know its true!) and probably the exact same ones that I saw joining racial equality rallies on my WNC campus after Ferguson during my sophomore-ish year.

It's so bizarre to me that this term was never once mentioned to me in my years of education in Asheville. Furthermore, that I had been committing this social sin all my LIFE without even realizing it! As a child, I was the first kid to be seen culturally appropriating come Halloween or ANY OTHER TIME OF THE YEAR. I had Native American headdresses, multiple Kimonos, frequently sported a turban or a hijab style headpiece, learned how to do corn-rows on myself at age 11, sewed my own Sari, and was absolutely OBSESSED with Jewish culture as a kid, and enjoyed having pretend passover dinners and following a Jewish holiday calendar.

Looking back, it's disheartening to think that my excitement over other cultures was... wrong? That wearing a kimono to school for a project on Japanese Tea Ceremonies was offensive and distasteful...? I loved other cultures, and it was in complete innocence and excitement that I read about them, thought about them, and wanted to have some sort of real-life experience with them, either through dress or ceremony. I don't want to think that my involvement as a little white girl in these outfits somehow "cheapened" the cultures and created a disrespectful attitude towards them... because I LOVED these cultures and the stories about them, and never wanted to create stereotypes or harmful ideas about them. I was a smart kid, and I think I had the whole "love all of humanity, respect everyone, be a great person" thing down, yet what I'm learning as I read articles and statuses from many of my friends is that I was (if ignorantly) still cheapening, disrespecting, and abusing someone else's culture and background.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Was 7 year old Sarah wearing a kimono a socially disrespectful thing to do? Do we tell our kids that they are forbidden from stepping too closely to cultural symbols that don't "belong" to them? Forgive me for my naive commentary on this, it's such a new idea to me and I really want to understand it... I'm always ready to learn. PLEASE COMMENT! I NEED YOUR IDEAS!

Things Always Work Out (Sometimes, Maybe)

Well, once again, I wish I could turn off my stress response. Why am I always freaking out?! I freaked out about having my wisdom teeth out, and here I am, doing so freakishly well afterwards that it's confusing people. (Like, I don't even have much swelling, and barely any pain?!) I freaked out about what to do after my Target job ended, and here I am three weeks later, with another job that I'll formally start on Tuesday. I freaked out to no end about taking the semester off, and here it is all working out for the best in more ways that I could have foreseen.

And YOU KNOW WHAT? I could have predicated all those things would work out, because logically, they're all very minor things that are almost impossible to screw up. Yet, I worried. And I still do! I worry that now my job won't pay me enough. That I'll develop dry socket and die. That I'll get out of my school groove and feel like a freshman again in the fall.

But worry and stress are so pointless. My life is headed in such a positive, healthy direction at the moment, yet I still choose to sit here and pick it apart. I'd love to know what you guys do to keep stress in check, because lately I feel absolutely CONSUMED with worry, and it seems no amount of yoga, art, or prayer can keep the nagging doubts from being there in the back of my mind. I've been told by a trained professional that it's PTSD from the last (rough) year keeping my immune system and my nervous system completely out of whack in a state of shock and paranoia, but that sounds so...

bad.

I just want to get back to the place I was my junior year of high school, where I was very content with my job, school, social life, spiritual life, and frankly, MYSELF!

I know I'll get there again. And having just mind-vomited all that onto this blog page actually helped me gain back a little perspective. My life...is... WONDERFUL. Seriously, I am so lucky, so blessed, and so set-up for a fantastic future. Mostly importantly, even if I wasn't all those things, I have a God who cares about me and has a plan for me no matter how off course things FEEL or SEEM. Things are great, it's my shoddy little human brain that is making things weird and sad.

*reflects on all her reflecting*

Geez Sarah, you're a mess, why are you putting this on the internet?!

BECAUSE THIS IS MY CORNER OF THE INTERNET AND I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT OVER HERE! *throws confetti all over her blog* AND I DON'T CARE IF IT'S BAD BECAUSE I NEED THIS! IT MAKES ME FEEL REAL AND ALIVE TO WRITE AND BE READ BY YOU SELECT FEW DEARS WHO VISIT ME! Thanks for coming to my Blahg again. Sorry it's narcissistic mumbo-jumbo about 89 percent of the time! I LOVE YOU!! BLAHHH!!

MAKE ME A MILKSHAKE

This morning, bright and early at 10 AM, I went in to a tiny blue doctor's office conveniently located next to the emergency room to have my wisdom teeth removed.

I've been avoiding this for severalllll years. I was 15 when they last told me "dang girl, these beasts need to go" and ever since then I've been complaining about them. Well, finally, I decided, "HEY! What better time to get these suckers pulled than in between jobs, on my semester off, when I'm going to be essentially snowed in anyway!"

That and I had a cavity in one of upper wisdom teeth. (maybe? I've never had one before and just assumed that "shooting pain" and "dark spot" equals DECAYYYYYYYYY ugh. Never again.)

That AND they were dislodging my beautiful lower fronts. (My parents paid TOO much for the braces to have that work undone!)

That aaaaand because I was in pain for the past few weeks since they were trying to grow in very limited space and caused headaches, mouth sores, swelling, YADA YADA. They all. Had. To go.

Anyway, it was a bit of a scary day for me since I'm sort of, um, TERRIFIED of being put to sleep for surgery. This was my first time under general anesthesia and I was convinced things would go wrong and when I woke up, there'd be doctors gathered around me like "SHE'S AWAKE! IT'S A MIRACLE! You've been brain dead for six years but we made a Go-Fund-Me! Yeah Donald Trump is president AGAIN! And your sister graduated college and all your dogs died! NURSE! Get some reporters in here, this is gonna be a great face-book inspiration video!"

Really didn't want that to happen. Right away, the doctor, with his thrilling bedside manner said, "I see you took the 'no make-up' part of the pre-surgery instructions seriously! A lot of girls don't, but you're a good girl!" *guffaws*

Mmm. Thanks. Flattered.

The nurses were nice, but I felt sort of like a small pathetic infant as they kept saying "oh gooood girl! that's a good girl!" after everything they did. The IV that put me to sleep was one of the weirder things I've experienced.... I felt like I was laying there awake for ages while the doctor said, "Feeling sleepy?" "yes.." "Feeling sleepier?" "yess" "Feeling any more sleepy??" "YES" and then BAM I woke up with a vague memory of a doctor pulling all my teeth out, but lo and behold the nurse was there saying "ALLL DONE! GOOD GIRL!" (tripppyy)

And then I harassed said nurse until she fished my teeth out of the garbage for me to take home. The doctor came in and said, "ummmm..." at the sight of me holding my teeth in my palm, and I don't know WHY I said this, but the best excuse I could come up with is "some peeepo make jewllllwy ow uh feef." ("Some people make jewelry out of teeth." they do?)

And then we came home, and I was really mean to my dad because he wouldn't take me to sonic and I finished season four of New Girl and now I'm laying here in my bed feeling pretty with it, but also pretty without it.

All in all, I'd say I had a successful wisdom tooth extraction and now I just need to not attempt to make any major life decisions while on oxycodone (like the brilliant idea I had earlier: "Oh! I'll make my teeth into necklaces for my Etsy!") and I just might pull through.

Hey, I think look pretty good considering I have four gaping, swollen, bleeding holes in my mouth.

Slow Bill and Dog

Today as we pulled into the driveway after picking up my younger sister from school, my mom groaned. "Ugh, it's BILL." Bill was ambling cheerfully a few houses up, his very pudgy dog smelling every piece of grass. Bill is the president of the home-owners association, and his dog (fondly nicknamed "Meanie") is the president of a prominent hate group for standard poodles. Our standard poodle started crying dramatically in the back of the car at the sight of Slow Bill and dog.

"Great, now we can't take the dogs out until Slow Bill goes all the way back down!" My mom muttered. (Slow Bill lives several houses down from us, and if he is even in smelling distance of our dogs, there will be bloodshed and probably a few noise complaints.)

So, we went inside, leashed up the dogs, and watched Slow Bill disappear around the bend leading to the cul-de-sac, and waited. And waited. Slow Bill is REALLY slow. Slow Bill has a bowl cut and wears khakis to walk his dog, and for this I admire him. Eventually, we grew restless and starting going to multiple windows to see if Slow Bill had somehow passed us on his way back down without us seeing him. "Perhaps he's broken into a trot," my mom dreamed.

But no. Not today. Slow Bill was barely coming back around the corner a few minutes later. Meanwhile, we rearranged the pantry, moved furniture, checked the weather, and graduated college. (I wish! Goodness knows I had enough time.)

And finally, Slow Bill was just a little ant-sized bowl cut in his own driveway, and we took our dogs out. My mom finally said, "You know, we could have taken the dogs out while Slow Bill was in the cul-de-sac..."

Hindsight is 20/20!

Slow Bill, if you're reading this, I just want to say thank you. You taught me a lot of things. Patience. Perseverance. Fashion. Thank you, Slow Bill. Thank you.

Tampon Drug Test and THE DENTIST

It's only 11 AM and today has already been weird. I drove to the YMCA corporate office in Asheville to get my drug test done before I begin working with the kids (because drugs + kids = BAD) and LET ME TELL YOU, modern medicine is an amazing thing.

I did NOT have to pee in a cup (which darn it, I finally feel pretty comfortable doing after all the times I've been to Urgent Care this year). Instead, they now have a looooovely new invention called OralTox, which I kid you not, is a giant tampon that you have to suck on for three minutes. GAG! It was awful. Not only did the ladies administering the test have no clue what they were doing, but I also was very confused because when I heard "swab" I thought "q-tip on the gums for 10 seconds" and not HERE'S A GIANT TUBE OF COTTON AND PLASTIC TO SHOVE DOWN YOUR THROAT FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME. It was the longest three minutes of my life.

Anyway, once I had sufficiently "swabbed" the test, it went into a nice little case that the three of us sat there looking at for a few minutes while waiting for the results. Two lines mean you're not on drugs. One line means you're on drugs. Or in my case, you are a really bad swabber and might have to REPEAT THE TEST GOSH DANG IT! *sobs*

Now I'm not on drugs, but it's still nerve-wracking watching the test lines form. It's basically a pregnancy test, except instead of a baby you get a job. (Yay.) So yes, I watched those two little pink lines darken in all of their drug-free glory. Sigh of contentment.

After some congratulatory handshakes from the ladies in the Human Resources Department for being "the first person to take a drug test for the YMCA without peeing a cup" (can I put that on my resume??) I was on my merry way.

But where next? WELLLLLL, I'm off to the dentist now, to get an assessment about getting my stingy little wisdom teeth removed. (Little devils!) So, here's to another few hours of misery in my mouth! It's been another exciting day in the life of Sarah Kane, folks.

The Gravity Of Hard Times

Today I woke up and laid in bed and cried. It wasn't, like some crying sessions are, over an episode of Parenthood or a video about pandas. It was over something real, something that happened to me, something that ANYONE would cry over! I thought, this just happened to me. It's okay to cry. It's still really soon.

And then I did the math and realized this happened FOUR MONTHS AGO.

A THIRD OF A YEAR AGO.

And here I am, waking up and crying about it.

It doesn't feel like four months. It feels like it happened this morning. It feels like NOTHING has happened between that moment and this one. There's no buffer of happy memories in the middle (although there ARE), list of things I've accomplished since then (ALTHOUGH THERE ARE) or just the mind-numbing effects of time working its magic on my brain (nope, none of that yet).

It feels like my life stopped in september, and everything since then is a dream! It's sad, and kinda weird, and I feel ungrateful admitting that because I've only been showered with love and friendship and opportunities since then. Sometimes, though, an experience is so heavy that it holds you back from moving on. It feels like those bad times have their own gravity. I'm constantly being pulled back into certain moments, and sometimes the harder I try to push those moments away the more I end up getting dragged into them.

But, this is a part of my life, moving forward from this, and I truly believe I WILL escape the gravity of those times. I WILL start to feel my life moving forward, and I will look back at that day in september and think, "wow, that sucked. I'm glad it's over." Because right now, it's not over.

There's a point where I feel we (as people) change, and some of our past experiences are lost to "past selves" as we grow and shed certain things (memories, values, opinions, ideas). For me, I'm still the EXACT SAME girl that I was in september, and those experiences are still carried daily. But I have faith that slowly, steadily, I will grow. And each day I'll hand a little bit of the pain to "yesterday Sarah" to hold for me. And though I may never get rid of alllllll the pain, I'll eventually have my hands full of new things. Good things, maybe!

And that's what's keeping me going! Knowing that each day, I'm fighting harder and harder against the Gravity Of Hard Times and each day I'm tossing a littttllle bit of pain over my shoulder as I press on!

I've Got So Much So Much So Much

Things I'm thankful for today . . . 

Time . . . I've had a LOT of time on my hands the past few months. It's the first time I haven't been in school since I was about 3 years old. Isn't that wild?! I've suddenly got about 30 more hours a week to fill. I'm filling them with work, art, and rest. It's good, for the season I'm in, to have more time to use in ways that I need!

Health . . . Within the first six months of 2015 I had flu, strep, bronchitis, and pneumonia all in a nice little row. It screwed me up for months following! I later had two bouts of the norovirus and suffered the effects for weeks. But, I'm starting off this year in good health, and that is a BLESSING!

Perspective . . . I'm grateful that in the midst of pain, I can still look forward with hope. In all the grieving I've done in the last few months, I still feel propelled forward by the idea that things will get better. It keeps me going!

Art . . . Art by others and by myself! This for me includes poetry, music, pictures, colors, rhythm, flower boxes, and even stick figure drawings by the kids I watch. I enjoy not only viewing art but also making it. When I play piano, draw a bird, or make a necklace I really am uplifted instantly.

Family . . . After everything that's gone on in my life this past year and a half, my family has proven that blood really is thicker than water.

Humor . . . I love laughing and making people laugh. I've always jokingly said "humor is a great coping mechanism" and it really is. Sometimes people are like "hmm you don't sound sad when you're telling this sad story" and it's because I (try to) inject humor into the scary things that have happened to me. Making the hard parts of my life more bearable by making them into entertaining stories is helpful.

Faith . . . It's amazing how it takes a rocky season to make you realize what you believe in. I've had to really evaluate what I believe in the past year, and I've definitely been comforted by my faith. It's been challenged and doubted a lot (by myself more than anyone else!) and it's proven true, and there's something very peaceful about that realization.

These are the things I am grateful for today! They should be things I'm grateful for every day, but sometimes I'm just more aware of how blessed I am. I hope you also have these things to hold onto in your life! Don't forget about them.

Flashback Friday: THE AWKWARD YEARS

It's gross, rainy weather here in Asheville today, so I opened my box of journals to take a peek at the past. What I found was, well, incriminating. Embarrassing. All that. But it's okay. I'm sharing some snippets from the ages of 14 to 16, which were a unique, troubling time in my life. *cringe*

7/21/10 (age 14)
"I did the childcare thing at church again today. Other than the time I hit a little boy in the head with a chair and made him cry I think it went well and I guess maybe I'm super good with kids!!"

9/02/10 (age 14)
10:00 am
"I'm at the beach with my family and its AWFULL! AGHH! They act like they like me but I KNOWW THEY HATE MEE! Ugh I wish I was at the school retreat instead of STUCK HERE IN HELLL!!"
1:00 pm
"This place is SWEEEEEEEEEEET! So glad I'm here instead of stuck at lame-o retreat!!! There's a freekin hot lifeguard from some europeaun country and he has an accent and my mom and I can't stop staring at him! ANYWAY I LOVEEEE IT HERE. BEST VACATION EVERRR!"

9/17/11 (age 15)
"I feel so utterly SHALLOW!!!!! People-- maybe even my CHILDREN will read this one day. ALTHO the likelihood of me having kids is like negative freekin zero! But who knows, maybe some homely missionary with low standards will settle for me."

9/20/11 (age 15)
"Oh my gosh, I think The Lord is using (insert female name) to test me. She looks at me weird EVERY TIME I see her. But the worst part... she's desperately in love with (insert male name) I JUST KNOW IT. I'm devastated. When we were playing volleyball the other day she went up to him and 'BRUSHED DIRT OFF HIS ARM'. YEAH right, (insert female name) WE ALL KNOW YOUR IN LOVE WITH HIM! I hate my life"

11/24/11 (age 15)
"I have a confession. I'm reading a really inappropriate book. It's about this girl who has a boyfriend, and once he touched her boobs and she did not even break up with him OR even tell her parents in the end. I feel really guilty about it. I'm sorry God that I read this book (very detailed drawing of a sad face with lots of tears)."

ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND possibly my favorite entry of all--

01/17/12 (age 16)
"heheheehehehehehehehhehe
hehehehhehehhehehe
blahblahblahblahblahblah
DONTCOMEOVERHEREDONTCOMEOVERHERE
hehehehehehehee
busybusybusybusybusybusy"

01/18/12 (age 16)
"Sorry bout that last entry. I was just writing so I would look busy because this guy was totally EYEING ME and I HAD to avoid him. I just don't feel ready for a relationship right now to be honest. Its hard but I'm proud of myself for doing the right thing. My future husband is gonna be so proud of me that I worked hard!! TRUE LOVE WAITSSS!"


present day:
groan.


*SETS FIRE TO ALL HER OLD JOURNALS*

You've Got Mail...and a Job Interview, AND FRIENDS!

As I write this I have a bowl of ice cream on one side of me and a pile of dogs on the other. Livin' the dream, yes?

But for real, things have been looking up for me the past few days. I had a job interview at the YMCA that I'm 99.9 percent sure I absolutely nailed. A job would be GREAT, since money is a really helpful thing (plus, the job is watching kids, so that's always hilarious and fun).

I've had a great week. Lutheridge staff reunion left me in great spirits, I enjoyed watching the Clemson and Alabama game with friends, and I got to have tea with a lovely friend that I've connected with after yeaarrrss. OOH! And I got a DELIGHTFUL package from my dear friend Rachel from camp that just made my day (I'm writing her back after this post!). It's been a pleasant, steady week, with things to look forward to and things to look back on with satisfaction.

It's been hard to see all my friends starting their semesters and realize that I am "behind" them now--but to be honest, I don't feel THAT bad. It kind of has helped me take over the idea that "this is MY life. I can do things in a different timing than others and it will STILL be a good life!" So I have a lot of peace about it, and for now I'm going to do all those fun pre-job things like drug tests and hunting down my references and threatening them until they give me glowing reviews. (Kidding.)

Something that's nice about not being in school is that I have TIME to learn the things I want to learn. Because not all my energy is being spent on classes, I've been able to *gasp* read for pleasure! Oh Lord! That hasn't happened much since I started college, and it's so nice to get back in tune with reading and writing as something I LOVE and not just something I'm paying 381923718764732 dollars to be forced to do. (And that will start again soon enough-- in about six months!)

So, I'm going to keep writing, keep reading, keep working, keep cuddling my dogs, and life will continue in this manner until fate decides to throw a curveball at me. (I'm waiting.)

Marriage, Motherhood, and Yetis: AN INTERVIEW

I'd like to introduce you all to someone very special to me. I've been cramping her style for 20 years and she is a great sport about it! This interview was very last minute and my questions are so random. In the future I will have some juicier questions, but for now, please enjoy... MY MOTHER.

* * * * *

Me: Thanks for joining me! Are you ready?
Mom: I'm ready. Is anything I say going to be used against me in a court as evidence? WAIT ARE YOU TYPING THAT??? Ugh.

Me: What is one thing that I might not know about you?
Mom: One thing you might not know about me is that all through middle school, I used to think that I saw this giant yeti type thing in the woods behind our school, and I had half a dozen of my friends convinced they could see it too! It sounds incredibly silly now, but it's true. I also used to think I could see it from my bedroom window sometimes. It was something about the trees and the leaves and the way they looked, but it was very bizarre! I guess we had vivid imaginations. We used to spend a lot of time in the woods. We would set up camp down there on the weekends. But that yeti haunted me for a long time. It really did.
Me: That's great.
Mom: No it's not. I think I was warped.

Me: Tell me about an(other) embarrassing moment you had in middle school.
Mom: This is VERY embarrassing, Tony Hickman had a massive crush me. Everybody knew it. He was very geeky. I'm not sure how to describe it, he was just VERY geeky. My entire grade ganged up on us, LITERALLY. One day it was lunch break, and there was a single stall uni-sex bathroom on our hall, and somehow they shoved me and him in there together! In the dark! I basically threatened to castrate him if he came one step toward me. Those kids were horrible to him, and since they knew he liked me they used me against him. It was embarrassing and terrifying, and so FRICKING middle school! Gosh. Tony Hickman. *far away gaze* He was a geek. Now can you ask me a question that makes me sound more interesting?

Me: Tell me something about yourself you wish more people knew.
Mom: I feel very deeply about many things. I just don't feel the need to harp on about it like some people do. I'm way more sensitive than the average person would peg me as.

Me: You came to the US from England when you were only 22. Tell me one thing about American culture you didn't expect.
Mom: The pace. I don't know why I didn't expect it. Even in Los Angeles in 1988 I found myself getting overwhelmed in traffic. That I was NOT really prepared for. I felt like I was entertainment for the people I met. They were fascinated by me. I was struck by the fact that they didn't seem to be very familiar with people from other places. Between me and my friend who was Swedish, they were just fascinated with everything about us! It got old after a while. I don't like to be the center of attention.

Me: Do you find that your daughters have similarities to you that you expected?
Mom: Yes. You in particular, are very much like me. I don't know if that's a good thing, but... I think my children have gotten from me a love of books, and I think you've picked up that people are important. You feel deeply, like I do. You've picked up a deep sensitivity from me.

Me: What's one trait your children have that surprise you?
Mom: Olivia is quite pragmatic. She's much more black and white than I could ever dream to be. And that's not a negative thing, but it surprises me!

Me: Is there a lesson you learned the hard way that looking back you didn't need to learn that way?
Mom: *cringe* I've learned ALL my lessons the hard way. One lesson I've learned the hard way is marriage. Marriage has been the hardest thing ever, but I can't imagine not going through it. Your father is my entire world! I don't know what I would do if he wasn't here. After 30 years you really are one person, as silly as that sounds. You meld into one another. Heck, you even start to look like each other! It's terrifying.

Me: Thanks for joining me.
Mom: HA! Your pleasure.

Special thanks to my mom from taking time out of her busy day as my mom to be... well... my mom.

This Post is Sponsored by the DMV and My Ex Boyfriend

When I first got my full, big-girl driver's license I sent a picture of my little temporary license slip to my boyfriend-ish person. My text said "LOOK! It says 'Restrictions: NONE!'" and he said with a scoff, "Yeah, well it also says 'Endorsements: none.'"

Now keep in mind that he was a pessimistic party pooper that I really shouldn't have taken seriously (plus, endorsements on your driver's license do NOT mean the same thing as endorsements in the context I'm about to talk about, but whatevs) but that phrase has stayed in my mind ever since.

Endorse. The word has a few meanings. In a general context, to "endorse" something means to show your public approval of it. To endorse a check is to sign it and take responsibility for it (either as the payer or the payee). You can also endorse documents to acknowledge that the terms of a contract have been satisfied.

I think today, with the rise of social media, there's a new way that we endorse things. Artists, places, political candidates, companies, colleges... everything around us has condensed their definition of themselves into a page, a subheading, a photo series-- and they seek your endorsement for that collection of information. Via our likes and shares we are endorsing things constantly--putting our name on it. "Sarah Kane likes this page." It's very interesting, because I don't know that ever before humanity has been able to so efficiently "collect" things to endorse. With the internet, everything is summed up in blocks of text and photo albums, and it's all *one sided*. We are seeing what these people, creators, and companies want us to see, and giving them our stamp of approval.

I am fascinated by the way our self-image is changing with the advent of the internet and online networking. We endorse things, or don't endorse them, in a way that is so heavily tied into our self-concept. With social media, we follow, subscribe, like, share... and it's *often* so others can see an image of what WE ourselves are like. We, in a way, are signing a metaphorical check to these things when we endorse them with our likes. I guess it's the equivalent of filling your wall with posters of things you like, and sitting there looking around and feeling like "this room is so me".

You might think I'm going to end this by saying "be careful what you endorse!" but au contraire, I would actually like to say... worry less about what you endorse. Either through what images you put out there to be endorsed by others, or through what carefully crafted likes and dislikes you decided based on a 2 minute buzz-feed video or an inspiring quote that a brewery posted. Truly, and honestly, no one cares what you endorse, and it doesn't matter most of the time, because those likes and dislikes rarely carry over to real life. In my possibly wrong and slightly self-doubting opinion.

I like this topic. I could rant all day about it. If you have any thoughts please leave them below. I'm feeling ultra think-y today and just wanna mellow in my mind for a while.

The Easiest My Life Will Ever Be?!?!

My mom is always telling me, "This is the easiest your life will ever be!"

You know, college. Taking classes, socializing, working cutesy part time jobs, planning my entire future, ya know, IT'S EASY.

Well. It certainly doesn't feel that way right now. Faced with so many big choices, and just millions upon millions of tiny every-day failures, it feels really hard! Even the things that SHOULD be easy (like, cashier jobs?!) seem to wear me down day after day. School, which used to be such a source of awe and joy for me, has become a drudgery and a race at this point. Taking this year off, entirely NOT by choice, has been so stressful, and feels like another "struggle" to add to my loooonnggg list of "problems to solve".

It feels like life is hard. But then my parents remind me I don't have bills, children, health issues, major responsibilities, or wrinkles.

And it's true, I guess. This time is beautiful and short. A time where, if I want to spend my entire evening playing piano, I can. Where if I want to plan a feasible trip to visit a friend out of state, I can. I mean, geez, I could even take that bizarre philosophy class if I wanted! Really, this time in my life is centered around myself. I'm not worried about a husband, children, or even the upkeep of a household.

So what IS it that makes this time so hard? Angst? Worry for the future? Comparison? The slow realization that a life of hard work and little return is ahead? I don't think so. I think for me, there's no excuse to be complaining right now. I'm definitely reminded today that REALLY, everything is GREAT, and I need to take every ounce of negative energy I have in my body and do something fun and productive with it, while I have the time and space to do so!

If anyone has any thoughts on why so many college students are miserable, even though really things are pretty peachy for us, all things considered, I'd love to hear them below.

No Place I'd Rather Be (Staff Reunion!!!)

I wanted to share some photos from our summer staff reunion this weekend. It was so good to be back home at Lutheridge with all my fellow counselors. We didn't get much sleep at all, but it was worth it. I feel extremely refreshed and encouraged from a few days in a place apart, and I am now even more excited for summer 2016!

Gloomy weather all weekend made things even cozier!

The football game was great!

Everyone loved Raven, the Asst. Program Director's puppy!

<3 Katy!

We were a leeetttllleee rusty on our camp songs... *cringe*

Katy wearing a necklace made by ME! <3

Didn't get much sleep....

Stayed up till FOUR AM just chatting about our lives

All together to sing and pray before heading home.

So, after a great weekend of fun, we closed this morning with staff worship, which was AMAZING! I loved taking communion, singing, and of course Pastor Mary's story... all in all the weekend was so wonderful and I feel pretty ready to get through the next few months until summer comes and I can go back to camp!

Shenanigans at Camp

I'm writing this from my bed in Thornburg as the rowdiness of our first night of staff reunion dies down. Twenty minutes ago this room was filled with people, five to a bed, laughing and soaking in the familiarity and comfort of seeing each other again. Being back at camp is so good. Even though I drive by the entrance every day, and have even stopped by the office since the summer, it isn't "camp" until there's counselors sitting on a bed talking about nothing and everything.

This is exactly what I need this weekend-- this weekend that proved to be the weekend I would NOT register at UNCA, that I would NOT go on a long-awaited road trip, and that I would NOT get a job.

But I DID park at camp and open my door to the smell of campfire. I DID get approximately 273525 squeally hugs. I DID lay in bed talking to a friend by lamplight until 2 AM. And I DID feel something in my spirit come back to life. A little community, a little nostalgia, and a little rest will go a long way to helping this weekend turn out to be GOOD. 

The day this is seen by the land of the living (Saturday) I will be surrounded by Lutheridge counselor love. Singing, eating, cuddling, probably whining about our lives outside our jobs here, and it's gonna be great!! Really.

Moving Past Dark Waters

     Last night as I was driving home from a friend's house, I thought a lot about how different my life looks today than I thought it would six months ago. A significant experience earlier this year has changed a lot of my plans. I haven't talked about it much (because PTSD is a thing). But, after a few months' reflection, I am ready to share this metaphor that has helped me understand the process of grief and recovery after a trauma. I hope if any of you have been in a storm lately, that you reach a place of peace after the chaos, and then the strength to move back to normalcy in your life.

     When things peaked in a crisis, I felt like I had gotten thrown off a boat into a raging ocean. Everything around me was out of control, and I couldn't stop the waters from rising, and I couldn't escape. I watched huge waves hurtling towards me. Surprisingly, however, during the eye of the storm, all I had to do was stay still and quiet. In the chaos, I felt carried. I felt like I was treading above dark waters. I just had to accept the chaos for a time, not resisting or ignoring, just letting it move me for a while.

     And then, slowly, the waters calmed and I could look around me and assess the damage. This is the stillness and processing. Resting. Realizing. Realizing two things: "dang, that was rough" and dang, I'm okay! As things began to settle around me, I saw that the storm, though it hadn't finished me off, had moved me sooooo far off course! AGH! This part is painful! It's a double-edged sword, realizing how far you've made it, and simultaneously, how far you have left to go.

     It's time to swim to shore. Back to my life. Getting back into school, finding jobs and hobbies, socializing again even! It feels like I have so far to go, and I'm so tired way out here in the water. The current is against me oftentimes. It's work. And yeah, it's sad, because I was on that nice lil' boat headed to that nice lil' place before that storm came and destroyed it. But that doesn't matter, because if I want to get to a good place again, I'll swim regardless of how I got thrown in the water!

     In the words of a great fish, "When life gets ya down you know what you gotta do? Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keeep SWIMming swiiiimming, what do we do we swim! SWIM! Ohhohohohohoh!!!" =)

Girl, 20, Seeks...

Answers to all of life's questions, a secret entryway into SUPER early registration for classes, more pets, world peace, my car back, and yeah. I want a cheesecake right now too. 

Thank goodness we don't always get what we want. I've wanted, and gotten, some pretty awful things in the past! (Tangent: I used to think one day I'd spoil my children rotten, but then I made some mistakes and realized I will be the super-over-protective mom who won't give an allowance for chores and makes all her kids have a shared facebook account until they graduate high school.)

Anyway, today I semi-woke up and got on my lap-top at 6:45 AM to register for spring classes. 

WANNA KNOW WHAT I'M TAKING?

One. Fricking. Class. 

Because, a) I changed my major again and need a loooootttt of pre-reqs b) it's three days before classes start c) my luck lately is just *makes farting noise* and d) transferring in makes what you're eligible to take VERRYYY iffy. 

So, here I am, taking *sour face* "Media, Ethics, And Society". A 100 level class that I wouldn't even be needing if my Intro to Comm class had transferred in with an actual title other than "elective". Yeah, I'm grumpy, and I wanna complain. *COMPLAINS*

But, it's okay, because like I'm always telling my complainer friends oh-so-sweetly, "if you were meant to be doing something else, you'd be doing something else". 

Thanks, me. Thanks a lot. *Slaps self in the face* I know I'm obnoxious. 

So that's the latest update on Sarah Town, and some other noteworthy things that have happened:

-I'm learning to invest (like money. LIKE ACTUAL MONEY!)

-I went into Target for the first time since we broke up (and no that's not where I'm investing)

-Have done so much yoga that I can almost be as flexible as a normal human (I was in the negatives)

-Tomorrow begins a new semester, and therefore today is the end of a beautiful, lazy era. 

5 Dead People I Really Like

1. Madeleine L'Engle

This is the only author I truly feel as if I know as a friend. I love SO many of her books, including the classic she is best known by (A Wrinkle In Time). I strive to be as intelligent and heartfelt as her. In her books she seems quite liberal and almost vague with the question of faith, but in reading some of her autobiographies I learned she was deeply invested in prayer and scripture, but not in a way that was copying the church culture around her. Unlike many, she was not afraid of science or ideas as threats to her faith. JUST GO READ HER BOOKS I'M MESSING UP THIS EXPLANATION.

2. Freddie Mercury

OH GOSH SWOON. It's no lie that I usually prefer playing Queen songs on the piano to what I should be practicing. Freddie's voice has captivated me for years, along with millions of other people. Plus, those white pants (you know the ones)! EESH! I found out that Freddie was gay AND dead at the same time. DOUBLE devastation. Anyway, his story is so tragic. I just finished a documentary on him and agh, I sobbed because it made my love life look positively CHEERFUL. And that's just sad. Regardless, I am a bit starstruck for Freddie, but then again most of us are, so I'll carry on.

3. Johann Sebastian Bach

I feel really silly saying I love Bach because who DOESN'T? But then I realized, plenty of people don't! Lots of people think classical music is boring (and I think those people are uncultured swine). Bach, besides having a crazy life story involving lots of dukes, and also 20 kids, absolutely was divinely inspired to bring us music that would shape history. I consider him a scribe. Bach CAPTURED music so brilliantly, it's helped us understand melody and harmony in a fundamental way. It's math-y, beautiful, organic, and I just love him forever. Totally have fantasies that his ghost will appear in front of my piano and say something nice to me (in German, obviously).

4. Oscar Wilde

I was not always a Wilde fan. At first, I thought his writing was pretentious and redundant. I read several of his books and plays and was still steadfastly in the "WHY IS HE CONSIDERED A CLASSIC" camp. But then, towards the end of high school I had to write a (huge) paper on him, taking several of his short stories and connecting them to his personal history. His stories started to seem poignant and meaningful in the context of his life experiences, and I've been a fan ever since. I think he was a wonderful writer whose life was, like lots of the greats, tragic.

5. Billy Wilder

I've seen over a dozen Billy Wilder films and also taken a rigorous college course on his work and I can safely say I am obsessed with his story and the stories he so beautifully portrayed on screen. Wilder, because of his Jewish background, left Germany during WWII and ended up in Hollywood. I loved watching the themes in his movies connect to his own life story. There were times in class where I wanted to sob as I saw the plot lines in his films mirror the experiences he had as an immigrant, a victim of war and loss, a husband, and an artist. What a life, dude.

*DISCLAIMER: I do not necessarily emulate all these people or condone their choices. In fact, they all made big mistakes. Except Bach. Bach was perfect.

MIND FOR RENT (Fully Furnished with Doubts and Hang-ups!)

WOOOO so first of all, this has somehow turned into a daily blog. Don't know why, don't know how, but here we are!

So, welcome back.

Have a seat in the parlor of my miiiiind--but don't look in that corner. Or that one. Or that one...

Actually, wait! This was meant to be a mere witty introduction to a post about how bad I am at origami, but now I can't stop thinking about how *embarrassing* it would be if people saw all the things in my brain. You see, I'm a hoarder. A mental hoarder. (Maaaaaybe an actual one too. But only with certain things, like receipts, and... clothes. And cards. And-- never-mind.)

There's boxes of stuff all over my brain, a shoebox of stress there, a wee satchel of guilt placed delicately atop an armoire filled with regrets, and um, fear. It's harder to get rid of things that exist in way that's real-er than real. I can hold something physical in my hands, observe it rationally, and then throw it off a cliff if I want to, boom. It's very effective!

But when it's emotions up there in yonder noggin, that you can barreeellyyy even pinpoint in the first place, it's HARD to deal with. It's so not-real, yet, it's more real than anything physical. Feelings, imaginings, intuition. It's almost like we're a figment of them, not that they're a figment of us.

Not really sure what kind of grand conclusion to make on this, except that it's scary to have this world inside myself that I can't quite get to or always.... "control". *immediately logs onto school portal and registers for psych 101* I wish I could hang up a sign on my brain that said UNDER CONSTRUCTION. SORRY ABOUT THE MESS.

Anyway, there's some daily driveling from yours truly, congratulations on making it through! If you made it here you now understand that much more about Sarah Kane, who may or may not matter to you. Now go out there and furnish your brain! Go get yourself some pleasant thoughts to decorate it with.

TWO THOUSAND AND FIFTEEN THINGS I LEARNED IN 2015 (JK there's only 7)

1. Hypocrisy hurts the hypocrite more than anyone else.

2. Sometimes forward motion can be backward motion, and vice versa. You don't know until you get to where you were going and you look back at how you got there. (Does that make sense?)

3. Just get your stupid undergrad in something or other and then start your "plan" from there.

4. Look at the people around you and decide who is going to be there for you when you inevitably mess up (HINT: it's probably your parents) and DON'T LOSE THEM!

5. Don't ask for "a second opinion" and "advice" when you juuussstttt want affirmation for your probably really bad choices. That's wimpy. (Own your iffy choices, or don't make them!)

6. C's get degrees, but A's get you free stuff. (Mugs, t-shirts, *GRAD SCHOOL* etc.)

7. Consequences happen so we don't do the bad things again. Embrace them. Feel them searing your moral compass into submission. (For real though.) You tried to put on mascara while driving and now have a unibrow? YOU FAILED DON'T DO IT AGAIN. Thought you'd hide cash in your underwear drawer and then forgot it when you moved out? YOU FAILED DON'T DO IT AGAIN. Decided to live on fried fish exclusively for two months and gained 10 pounds? GAH WHY SARAH WHY. Consequences are very enlightening on the quality of your life choices and should propel you away from stupidity.

So yes. There's some things I learned this year. It was a hard year in Sarah Town, but here we are, all the stronger, wiser, and more jaded better for it. Here's to another of year of messing some things up, getting some things right, and probably not knowing which is which about 2/3 of the time.

Love Hour With Cousin Brucie

"Dear Cousin Brucie. Something awful happened on New Year's Eve. Sandra, if you're out there, I just want you to know how sorry I am. I had no idea Evelyn would do such a thing. You are still the woman for me. Always and forever. Come back to me. I love you. Jason."

My family sat silent in the car on the way home last night listening to bizarre, vague callers tell their bizarre, vague stories on Love Hour With Cousin Brucie on the radio.

Cousin Brucie: And up next, a classic for you sad lovers at home! *music begins slowly*
Elvis: Aaaaare you loooonesome tonighhhtt? Do you miss me toonniiiiighhhtt?
My dad: Are you SORRRYYYY WE DRIIIIIFFFTTTTEEDDDD, APPPPPAAARRTT?
Elvis: Do the chairs in your PAARRLLOOORR seem empty and baaaare?
My mom: ....Who has a parlor anyway....?
Elvis and my dad in unison: Telll meee deaaaarrr, are you lonesome tonight?

When I wasn't busy making fun of the song, I was quite struck by these sad lyrics:

Act one was when we met, I loved you at first glance
You read your line so cleverly and never missed a cue
Then came act two, you seemed to change and you acted strange
And why I'll never know . . . 
But I'd rather go on hearing your lies
Than go on living without you.

Geez Elvis. There are other people out there, ya know. All this sad desperation, it isn't good fer ya! This is exactly the kind of thing I've been talking about in therapy. HA!

Anyway, the rest of last night was fun, I went and saw Newsies in Greenville with my sister. It was a great show! There's something comforting about watching guys do ballet and tear up newspapers. It was a really nice treat, because I haven't been to any kind of play or musical since high school.

As for what I'm doing today, I'm going to ponder a bit on the likelihood of having a successful "Heartbreak Hour With Cousin Sarah" radio show. I have plenty of sad songs in my arsenal, and plenty of friends with love-life issues who can call in and provide some shock factor. I'll let you guys know!

Will Werk For Educashun

Well, 2015 ended with a bang-- namely, with Target letting me go.

WHAT??? Yes. My beloved Target, where I thrived in a loving environment filled with opportunity and encouragement, let me go. *sniffle*

JK, I absolutely DESPISED that job, but still! It was totally a crushing blow to be pulled into a tiny office and told "yeah soooooo Christmas is over, we've sold out of all our giant tins of popcorn, and we don't really neeeeeed you anymore so, BYE!"

I was seasonal anyway, but I sort of thought I'd charm them into keeping me! I guess I failed at that mission, although my extremely attractive Team Leader was waiting by the time clock and told me he'd call me in a few days (about what, who can say? Probably with legal reminders that Target owes me nothing and that slander laws exist). Heh.

So, my short journey through retail purgatory has ended, and I have come out on the other side a little richer and a little grumpier. But honestly, I think it's good I didn't love that job. I've had several jobs where I've been really happy (working at a local toy store, camp counseling, even nannying!) where I've thought "I could do this forever"! But Target....oh, Target was miserable! And it was a good reminder of how any jobs I have pre-college-graduation should be TEMPORARY. Don't wanna get too comfy while my degree slowly simmers (evaporates?) in that pan on the back burner.

Meanwhile, I've applied for a lovely potpourri of different jobs, anywhere from being a search engine janitor to a mentor at the YMCA. We'll see what happens. I'm trying to be more chill about these things, because in the past I've wasted a lot of stress on the future when poof, good luck always kicks in just in time! While I wait for employers to call me back begging for me to work for them, I'm trying to be productive by doing the typical New Year-ish things like cleaning out my closet and signing up for 30 day yoga challenges.

SHORT VERSION: I got fired from Target and now I'm trying not to freak out but I'm doing yoga so it's okay.

The Short Story of My Life So Far

Oh hey! *awkwardly walks out onto your computer screen*

Heeeyyyy youuuu, what are you doing here?! Do you know the person who writes this blog or something? REALLY? Aww, well that's nice of you to give her some page-views. Yep. Yep. I'm sure she'll appreciate it.

But really, peeps. It's 11:00 pm on the first day of 2016 and I decided that I needed a resolution and it really shouldn't be like last year's two... which were, embarrassingly, to not dye my hair (needed to break that vicious addiction) and to finally remember how to spell restaraunt restauraunt "restaurant". (Yeah, I'm carrying that one over.)

So, maybe I'll blog this year! Just for kicks. There are approximately 11 Sarah Kane blogs out there floating in the abyss of the internet, most of them have terrible names like "Blahg". But hey. All the good titles were taken. (Even "All The Good Titles Were Taken" was taken. POOP!)

So whatever, I figured, just slam out a title and write some crap, Sarah! It's time! It's a new year, new semester, new groovy sense of self, all that stuff! So I'm going to write about things, and you will see the blurb on facebook and go "aww Sarah's blogging, how cute of her!" and then maybe sometimes you'll read it.

And it'll be great.