Last week, I got another job. It's at Dick's Sporting Goods and I'm very excited.
However. Last week was not merely the week I got a job. It was the week I overcame a deeply personal hang-up I've had since January. Many of you know how extremely scarring my experience working at the Asheville Target was, and that I haven't been in that store since. Until. Last Thursday.
Upon getting hired at DSG, I felt, well... invincible. *tear slides down cheek* But in my victorious rejoicing I knew that there something I had to do.
And that was spend some money. At Target. THAT Target. THAT TARGET WHERE I GOT *sigh* FIRED.
Awkwardly, the girl who fired me was the one at the customer service desk. She was less than friendly, and when she asked me (coldly) where I was working now, I said, "oh my WORD, actually at Dick's down the road!" with such confidence! *thumbs up* She asked me why I was buying work-out leggings from Target if I worked at a sporting goods store. I said, "because I like these ones," and grabbed my own receipt off the machine. I made a run for it, but stopped and looked back at her sad, sullen, bitter face at that register, and felt--
Could it be? PITY?! There you are, you sad, sad little woman. Still here at Target, while I've obviously moved on into bigger, better arenas. Sure, Dick's starting position pays less than Target's. Sure, I don't know how to sell fire arms and they kind of freak me out. Sure, my interview consisted of questions centered around KAYAKING, something I've done a grand total of three times in my life, and REALLY faked my expertise on. It may be that my entire basis for hiring is made of lies.
But. Poor Girl-Who-Fired-Me. As I left Target, in a slow motion victory walk, I looked back and saw her eyes, so darkly rimmed with eyeliner that it was impossible to see even a quiver of emotion in those dense orbs... It may be too late for her. But it's not too late for some of us.
If you too have been a victim of the atrocities of Target, I want you to know:
There is hope. You can move on to have a retail job that DOESN'T make you want to jump off the loading dock. There are places out there that offer more than a measly 10 percent discount. There will be managers who are able to listen to you talk without making a puking face at you.
Now-- moving on isn't going to be easy. There IS a high likelihood that visiting your personal Target will be traumatic, but it can be done. I want you, right now, to go to your closet. Find those putrid red shirts that you folded in a heap on a shelf after your job ended. Pick one up. Look at that bright, angry crimson. Remember the bloodshot eyes from your overnight shifts. The color of gala apples that were the cheapest thing you could buy on your lunch breaks. The blood that you wished you could shed every time someone said "but the sign said this was $12 not $42!" or maybe even your own blood, depending on how severe your receipt paper-cuts got.
Look at the red and remember all the horror it symbolizes... and then fold them and put them away and try to get over it as best you can. That's what I'm doing...
Monday, February 29, 2016
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Ambition and Discontent
I spent the evening in the company of old friends, and a few strangers. I started noticing a tendency I have... when people ask me so what are you doing with your life these days? my responses are not positive and confident, they are riddled with guilt and embarrassment. I think I'm subconsciously apologizing for my life every time I explain that no, I'm not in school. No, I didn't take that internship. No, I'm not living in my own apartment anymore...
It all feels like mistakes to me. And when people ask me where I go to school, I immediately sigh, roll my eyes, and tell the sad, sad story, usually ending with "yeahh, but I'll be back in school soon so it's okay!" Well, let this post be a message to Future Sarah:
STOP IT!
Stop apologizing for your existence, just because it has a few aspects that you find less than ideal! Stop trying to prove that you're not a waste of time and air because you're going to "fix" your situation soon.
Because your situation isn't broken.
Look at how good your life is, and take the time to portray those aspects to people. When people ask me how school's going, I want to light up with excitement and say, "Wow, actually, I'm taking the year off--it's been so nice to get some rest, and to think about what I want to do in my last two years of college! I've been able to take trips, work a lot, and focus on relationships... it's been really good for me, even though it wasn't planned!"
Because, Sarah, this is your life, and it's exactly the way it's supposed to be, even though it isn't exactly how you planned it. I'm not saying this is the best you can do. I'm saying that right NOW, in this MOMENT, your life is your life and you need to make something good of it. Tonight, a young friend said something very wise about how "time flies because we're already living in the future", and that is TRUE! I am currently "wishing" away this time of my life because it feels like an accident. I'm living for the time when I'll have it "together" again... and that's a dangerous mindset.
Yes, I have ambitions, and I see things in my life that I want to improve, and I think this is great. However, I've become so tangled up in making sure I make all the right choices to keep myself in a certain place that when things happen, some beyond my control, to bring me to an unexpected place, I view it as a failure, instead of what it really is-- life. It's just life.
"Life is what happens when you're making other plans" is possibly my favorite quote of all time, and I was reminded of it tonight as I was torn between two places-- an alive, real place of laughter and company, and a lonely place in my mind where I view myself as a failure because I'm not able to present the Sarah that I had been making myself into.
The fact is, I'm not the Sarah who just finished her junior year of her Econ degree. I'm not the Sarah who's packing her bags and heading to a camp in Georgia for an internship. I'm not the Sarah who is dating a really nice guyactually he was a jerk though and celebrating their two year anniversary. I'm not even the Sarah who is active in a Church and goes to Bible studies and has a mentor, or any of those things I had signed Future Sarah up for.
I'm none of those Sarahs. And I'm constantly apologizing for it, instead of smiling at people and offering them the strong, smart, open, growing, excited Sarah that I am, unashamedly-- along with all her experience, ideas, and abilities.
Future Sarah: OFFER PEOPLE THAT!
Because there's no shame in realizing that I'm great, that I'm doing just fine, and that I have a little trust that my truest ambitions will be realized in some way or another... and since one of my ambitions is to find contentment in the present moment, well... The present moment and the unknown future work together perfectly.
It all feels like mistakes to me. And when people ask me where I go to school, I immediately sigh, roll my eyes, and tell the sad, sad story, usually ending with "yeahh, but I'll be back in school soon so it's okay!" Well, let this post be a message to Future Sarah:
STOP IT!
Stop apologizing for your existence, just because it has a few aspects that you find less than ideal! Stop trying to prove that you're not a waste of time and air because you're going to "fix" your situation soon.
Because your situation isn't broken.
Look at how good your life is, and take the time to portray those aspects to people. When people ask me how school's going, I want to light up with excitement and say, "Wow, actually, I'm taking the year off--it's been so nice to get some rest, and to think about what I want to do in my last two years of college! I've been able to take trips, work a lot, and focus on relationships... it's been really good for me, even though it wasn't planned!"
Because, Sarah, this is your life, and it's exactly the way it's supposed to be, even though it isn't exactly how you planned it. I'm not saying this is the best you can do. I'm saying that right NOW, in this MOMENT, your life is your life and you need to make something good of it. Tonight, a young friend said something very wise about how "time flies because we're already living in the future", and that is TRUE! I am currently "wishing" away this time of my life because it feels like an accident. I'm living for the time when I'll have it "together" again... and that's a dangerous mindset.
Yes, I have ambitions, and I see things in my life that I want to improve, and I think this is great. However, I've become so tangled up in making sure I make all the right choices to keep myself in a certain place that when things happen, some beyond my control, to bring me to an unexpected place, I view it as a failure, instead of what it really is-- life. It's just life.
"Life is what happens when you're making other plans" is possibly my favorite quote of all time, and I was reminded of it tonight as I was torn between two places-- an alive, real place of laughter and company, and a lonely place in my mind where I view myself as a failure because I'm not able to present the Sarah that I had been making myself into.
The fact is, I'm not the Sarah who just finished her junior year of her Econ degree. I'm not the Sarah who's packing her bags and heading to a camp in Georgia for an internship. I'm not the Sarah who is dating a really nice guy
I'm none of those Sarahs. And I'm constantly apologizing for it, instead of smiling at people and offering them the strong, smart, open, growing, excited Sarah that I am, unashamedly-- along with all her experience, ideas, and abilities.
Future Sarah: OFFER PEOPLE THAT!
Because there's no shame in realizing that I'm great, that I'm doing just fine, and that I have a little trust that my truest ambitions will be realized in some way or another... and since one of my ambitions is to find contentment in the present moment, well... The present moment and the unknown future work together perfectly.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Things I Used To Think I Could Not Do
1. Take Overnight Road Trips (BY MYSELF!)
My senior year of high school I really surprised myself (and my parents) by taking a little weekend rendezvous around the south. I drove from my home in Asheville to SCAD in Atlanta, and then drove five hours from there out to Savannah, went to the beach, and then drove five hours home. (Except it was like tropical storming there and hard to drive and I possibly had sunstroke and had to stop halfway in a hotel.) This was a BIG DEAL for me, because a) college was something I REALLY relied on my parents for when it came to deciding what I wanted, and b) I have a pretty large dose of anxiety when it comes to driving, since I've had a bad wreck that really impacted my confidence. But, folks, I DID it, and I was so proud of myself for planning and executing that college visit trip on my own.
2. Save Money (Like A Lot)
In high school I worked 40 hours a week oftentimes (#homeschooler) and made a pretty penny between that and babysitting on the regular. Yet, I graduated high school with about 30 dollars to my name. PATHETIC! My parents used to harass me about it, and by "it" I mean my pretty extreme spending habits. I was entirely convinced that I was buying things I "needed" and that because it was pretty much a minimum wage job I "couldn't" save money. Well, now I'm working 20 hours a week, at a job that pays about 20 percent LESS than that high school job, and I'm saving hundreds of dollars a month. What changed, you ask? Really, I attribute it to my summer at camp. Camp counselors don't get paid much, but they ALSO don't have many opportunities to go to Target and blow everything they have. The summer showed me how much I really DON'T need, and I honestly can say I've curbed my spending habit and have a nice little cushion saved up for whatever I want* in the future. (I've also started investing, which is exciting!)
3. Cook Food (That Isn't Microwave Dinners)
I never, ever, ever cooked in high school, other than making macaroni for the kids I babysat. I thought I was bad at it. And mayyyybe I WAS, but just in the past few weeks I've started making dinners for my family, and DANG, if you told 15 year old Sarah that one day, she'd make a stunning artichoke frittata, she would have laughed in your face. Peeps, it happened. And it's happening! Last night I made the fanciest grilled cheese you've ever seen. I'm not sure why I had this shift from thinking I was somehow cursed in the kitchen to feeling pretty competent, but hey. I try not to question good things too much in case my bestie Fate** realizes I'm not suffering endlessly.
4. Succeed in Math (and Other Things I Hate)
It's ironic how I ended up choosing Economics as my college major, and even dedicating a semester towards researching, developing, and implementing a specific track for it with my Honor's College Dean. I actually started out my freshman year of college as a film major (cue canned laughter). During my first week of classes, I felt like I didn't have enough of a course load with the normal 15 hours, so I impulsively added the only open class I could find: Micro-Economics and Social Issues. It was a night class, and the sole course offering of the professor who taught it (heart you, Dr. Jack!) After the first class, I cried because I was so scared. After the second class, I changed my political stance (lolz) and realized economics was now, somehow, a big part of my life. It was a shock, as the class went on, to realize I AM good with numbers and number based concepts! it just took the right teacher, class, and context for me to be able to apply myself well. (I worked my butt off. Because I WANTED to.)
5. Blog (!..!..!)
I started a few blogs in high school, and some of them lasted a few posts, but I always lost interest in them. I thought, "I can't blog, no one will read it and comment and I won't feel validated!" Well, I've felt about the most un-validated a person can feel this past year, and it was at the lowest of the low that I started this blog. And here we are. Over 30 posts and 3000 hits later! It's only been six weeks and I've already seen how positively this blog has impacted me. I'm writing again for the first time in two years, and it is SO fun. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read, comment, and share with your friends, and by friends I mean parents. You'd be amazed at how many of my friends' parents see me and are like "OH SARAH I READ YOUR BLOG, YOU'RE A FUNNY LITTLE WHIPPERSNAPPER!" It's so, so great. Thank you, friends' parents.
footnotes:
*Who am I kidding we all know it's going towards college. HA!
**I fondly refer to Fate as a living, breathing person. I'll have to dedicate a post to her one day.
***Remind me to talk more about him later. REALLY strange little man, he's not even a Dean anymore, probably because after working with me he realized he wasn't cut out for it and quit. Sorry, Dean. Really sorry.
My senior year of high school I really surprised myself (and my parents) by taking a little weekend rendezvous around the south. I drove from my home in Asheville to SCAD in Atlanta, and then drove five hours from there out to Savannah, went to the beach, and then drove five hours home. (Except it was like tropical storming there and hard to drive and I possibly had sunstroke and had to stop halfway in a hotel.) This was a BIG DEAL for me, because a) college was something I REALLY relied on my parents for when it came to deciding what I wanted, and b) I have a pretty large dose of anxiety when it comes to driving, since I've had a bad wreck that really impacted my confidence. But, folks, I DID it, and I was so proud of myself for planning and executing that college visit trip on my own.
2. Save Money (Like A Lot)
In high school I worked 40 hours a week oftentimes (#homeschooler) and made a pretty penny between that and babysitting on the regular. Yet, I graduated high school with about 30 dollars to my name. PATHETIC! My parents used to harass me about it, and by "it" I mean my pretty extreme spending habits. I was entirely convinced that I was buying things I "needed" and that because it was pretty much a minimum wage job I "couldn't" save money. Well, now I'm working 20 hours a week, at a job that pays about 20 percent LESS than that high school job, and I'm saving hundreds of dollars a month. What changed, you ask? Really, I attribute it to my summer at camp. Camp counselors don't get paid much, but they ALSO don't have many opportunities to go to Target and blow everything they have. The summer showed me how much I really DON'T need, and I honestly can say I've curbed my spending habit and have a nice little cushion saved up for whatever I want* in the future. (I've also started investing, which is exciting!)
3. Cook Food (That Isn't Microwave Dinners)
I never, ever, ever cooked in high school, other than making macaroni for the kids I babysat. I thought I was bad at it. And mayyyybe I WAS, but just in the past few weeks I've started making dinners for my family, and DANG, if you told 15 year old Sarah that one day, she'd make a stunning artichoke frittata, she would have laughed in your face. Peeps, it happened. And it's happening! Last night I made the fanciest grilled cheese you've ever seen. I'm not sure why I had this shift from thinking I was somehow cursed in the kitchen to feeling pretty competent, but hey. I try not to question good things too much in case my bestie Fate** realizes I'm not suffering endlessly.
4. Succeed in Math (and Other Things I Hate)
It's ironic how I ended up choosing Economics as my college major, and even dedicating a semester towards researching, developing, and implementing a specific track for it with my Honor's College Dean. I actually started out my freshman year of college as a film major (cue canned laughter). During my first week of classes, I felt like I didn't have enough of a course load with the normal 15 hours, so I impulsively added the only open class I could find: Micro-Economics and Social Issues. It was a night class, and the sole course offering of the professor who taught it (heart you, Dr. Jack!) After the first class, I cried because I was so scared. After the second class, I changed my political stance (lolz) and realized economics was now, somehow, a big part of my life. It was a shock, as the class went on, to realize I AM good with numbers and number based concepts! it just took the right teacher, class, and context for me to be able to apply myself well. (I worked my butt off. Because I WANTED to.)
5. Blog (!..!..!)
I started a few blogs in high school, and some of them lasted a few posts, but I always lost interest in them. I thought, "I can't blog, no one will read it and comment and I won't feel validated!" Well, I've felt about the most un-validated a person can feel this past year, and it was at the lowest of the low that I started this blog. And here we are. Over 30 posts and 3000 hits later! It's only been six weeks and I've already seen how positively this blog has impacted me. I'm writing again for the first time in two years, and it is SO fun. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read, comment, and share with your friends, and by friends I mean parents. You'd be amazed at how many of my friends' parents see me and are like "OH SARAH I READ YOUR BLOG, YOU'RE A FUNNY LITTLE WHIPPERSNAPPER!" It's so, so great. Thank you, friends' parents.
footnotes:
*Who am I kidding we all know it's going towards college. HA!
**I fondly refer to Fate as a living, breathing person. I'll have to dedicate a post to her one day.
***Remind me to talk more about him later. REALLY strange little man, he's not even a Dean anymore, probably because after working with me he realized he wasn't cut out for it and quit. Sorry, Dean. Really sorry.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
When I Grow Up...
One day, when I was in kindergarten, we each got a worksheet about what we wanted to be when we grew up. I remember sitting in my super tiny chair, with the teacher's aide kneeling beside me holding a fat marker over the blank line on my paper, impatient to write down my answer and move on to the next kid.
"Sarah, do you want to be... a teacher?" Nope.
"A ballerina?" Naaaaah.
"A police officer?" Nuh-uh.
"Okay, well... you have to pick something to be, silly! How about a nurse!"
Oh, nurse, totalllyyyy. *Internal five year old self rolls eyes* I conceded. I was too embarrassed to admit that I totalllyyyy did NOT want to be a nurse, and I was tired of making the poor aide venture into my uncertainties with me. I took home that worksheet and always felt weird looking at it, because it was utter BS! I knew I didn't want to be a nurse. Or a ballerina. Or a teacher. But I didn't know what I wanted to be in the slightest.
Things haven't changed much. Today at the YMCA a coworker asked me what I was "studying" and I said, "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh Economics?" OH WOW OKAY OKAY THAT'S COOL WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH THAT?
Hmmm I don't know, I've thought about this, or maybe that, or maybe both...
And somehow by the end of the conversation she had convinced me to become a social worker. All the time I talk to people about my potential plans and they seem like they genuinely want to help me figure it out. You're majoring in this? You should do that after. And then you'll have those things and these things and there you go! ALL SET! You're welcome.
I mean, it's fine. I'm open to suggestions, for sure, especially considering the fact that I'm 20, a junior in college, witha couple twelve majors and two schools behind me, and I am about two inches closer to knowing what I want to do with my life than I did when I was in high school. Or kindergarten, really.
I've never had a particular dream for my future. I don't even have a mental picture of what I'll LOOK like ten years from now*, much less what I'll be DOING! And it's not that I'm not ambitious, because oh, I am. It's more that I'm farrrrrrrrrrrrr too ambitious when it comes to having the perfect career...
At breakfast I have every intention of working at a publishing company--a nice Nine-to-Five with some light reading in the evenings! Ahhh! By lunch, I've designed an innovative new floor lamp** and will probably make millions off it. By dinner, the lamp has already been rejected by QVC and I'm now a counselor for teen delinquents, and then when I'm laying in bed falling asleep I decide that's too much stress and I'll just open a doggy daycare.
So who the heck even knows...! And this brings us to the end of today's post. I bet you thought you'd get to the end of this blog and read something like But As Long As I Stay True To Myself I'll Be Happy No Matter What! *gleaming smile* But NO. No promises here.
Footnotes:
*Future Sarah, PLEASE don't get bangs and let yourself go. I hope you've finished losing those 15 pounds we gained in college and also found a foundation shade that matches our skintone. Love, Present Sarah.
**Seriously though, It's literally a floor lamp, LIKE THE FLOOR IS THE LAMP. Brilliant... I know.
"Sarah, do you want to be... a teacher?" Nope.
"A ballerina?" Naaaaah.
"A police officer?" Nuh-uh.
"Okay, well... you have to pick something to be, silly! How about a nurse!"
Oh, nurse, totalllyyyy. *Internal five year old self rolls eyes* I conceded. I was too embarrassed to admit that I totalllyyyy did NOT want to be a nurse, and I was tired of making the poor aide venture into my uncertainties with me. I took home that worksheet and always felt weird looking at it, because it was utter BS! I knew I didn't want to be a nurse. Or a ballerina. Or a teacher. But I didn't know what I wanted to be in the slightest.
Things haven't changed much. Today at the YMCA a coworker asked me what I was "studying" and I said, "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh Economics?" OH WOW OKAY OKAY THAT'S COOL WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH THAT?
Hmmm I don't know, I've thought about this, or maybe that, or maybe both...
And somehow by the end of the conversation she had convinced me to become a social worker. All the time I talk to people about my potential plans and they seem like they genuinely want to help me figure it out. You're majoring in this? You should do that after. And then you'll have those things and these things and there you go! ALL SET! You're welcome.
I mean, it's fine. I'm open to suggestions, for sure, especially considering the fact that I'm 20, a junior in college, with
I've never had a particular dream for my future. I don't even have a mental picture of what I'll LOOK like ten years from now*, much less what I'll be DOING! And it's not that I'm not ambitious, because oh, I am. It's more that I'm farrrrrrrrrrrrr too ambitious when it comes to having the perfect career...
At breakfast I have every intention of working at a publishing company--a nice Nine-to-Five with some light reading in the evenings! Ahhh! By lunch, I've designed an innovative new floor lamp** and will probably make millions off it. By dinner, the lamp has already been rejected by QVC and I'm now a counselor for teen delinquents, and then when I'm laying in bed falling asleep I decide that's too much stress and I'll just open a doggy daycare.
So who the heck even knows...! And this brings us to the end of today's post. I bet you thought you'd get to the end of this blog and read something like But As Long As I Stay True To Myself I'll Be Happy No Matter What! *gleaming smile* But NO. No promises here.
Footnotes:
*Future Sarah, PLEASE don't get bangs and let yourself go. I hope you've finished losing those 15 pounds we gained in college and also found a foundation shade that matches our skintone. Love, Present Sarah.
**Seriously though, It's literally a floor lamp, LIKE THE FLOOR IS THE LAMP. Brilliant... I know.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Homework + Autism = This Post
Last night I sat down with one of the boys I watch every week... we'll call him... Bob. Bob has Autism. Bob is 10. BOB IS A LOT OF WORK. I sat down with Bob and we pulled out his homework to get started and here's what happened.
*Disclaimer: I love this child, just so everyone knows*
Me: Okay, Bob, how many problems do you have tonight?
Bob: GOSH DOES IT MATTER?
Me: Sorry... Okay, Bob, so let's look at problem 1.
Bob: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THEM IN ORDER! *goes for problem 5*
Me: Great! *reads problem over his shoulder*
Bob: You're breathing on me.
Me: Sorry! *sits back and stares at the wall*
Bob: WELL ARE YA GONNA HELP ME OR NOT?
Me: Okay, Bob, so Lucy has 8 boards, and 25 nails, if she puts 3 nails in each board how many--
Bob: I CAN READ YOU KNOW.
Me: Okayy.. sorry Bob.
Bob: *stares at page for solid minute* Fine. You can read it if you're gonna sulk about it.
Me: !?!?!
Bob: *shoves paper into my face* READ IT PLEASE
Me: *reads it*
Bob: K where's your phone. I need your calculator.
Me: Noooooooooooo, we can write it out right here in this grid! Look! your teacher gave you this nice little gri--
Bob: YOU NEVER BELIEVE ME ABOUT ANYTHING!!! YOU JUST DON'T EVEN THINK I'M EVER RIGHT, DO YOU?!
Me: Bob. Please. I'm just saying, using a calculator is lazy when you have as smart of a brain as...
Bob: *stares at me*
Me: ...you..
Bob: *eyes well with tears*
Me: ...do..
Bob: YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!!!!! HOW! DARE! YOU! LAZY?!!!? LAAAZZZYY?!
Me: ohmygoshBOB! CALM DOWN!
Bob: *tears streaming onto math problems*
three minutes later
Bob: I JUST HATE COMMON CORE!
Me: BUT YOU CAN DO IT! It sucks but you can do it!
Bob: K where's your phone
Me: WE WILL WRITE OUT OUR WORKINGS ON THE GRID
Bob: Hey wanna hear a joke
Me: Is it you doing your homework?
Bob: *eyes well with tears* YOUAREMEANIMGONNATELLMYMOMTHATWASNOTFUNNY
ten minutes later
Me: WOW! We finished problem 5! You did such a good job, I'm so proud of you! Okay, pick the next problem.
Bob: You pick it.
Me: *flattered* ohhh okay, how about 9! 9 looks fun!
Bob: NINE IS DIVISION! YOU KNOW I HATE DIVISION!
Me: But I'll help y--
Bob: YOU CAN'T HELP ME BECAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!
And then we both cried.
THE END.
But seriously, I thought I was "good" with Autistic kids until very recently. I've been watching Bob for years, and it was always sooooo easy to use pictures, candy bribes, and just patience to get him through his homework. The last few weeks, however, things have been an emotional wreck! I'm not gonna lie, I've shed tears while dealing with this child!
But, I think it's good for us both to have to put up with each other. While I make a bigger effort to understand him and his differences, he gets a heck of a lot of hershey's candy every time he finishes a problem set.
*Disclaimer: I love this child, just so everyone knows*
Me: Okay, Bob, how many problems do you have tonight?
Bob: GOSH DOES IT MATTER?
Me: Sorry... Okay, Bob, so let's look at problem 1.
Bob: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THEM IN ORDER! *goes for problem 5*
Me: Great! *reads problem over his shoulder*
Bob: You're breathing on me.
Me: Sorry! *sits back and stares at the wall*
Bob: WELL ARE YA GONNA HELP ME OR NOT?
Me: Okay, Bob, so Lucy has 8 boards, and 25 nails, if she puts 3 nails in each board how many--
Bob: I CAN READ YOU KNOW.
Me: Okayy.. sorry Bob.
Bob: *stares at page for solid minute* Fine. You can read it if you're gonna sulk about it.
Me: !?!?!
Bob: *shoves paper into my face* READ IT PLEASE
Me: *reads it*
Bob: K where's your phone. I need your calculator.
Me: Noooooooooooo, we can write it out right here in this grid! Look! your teacher gave you this nice little gri--
Bob: YOU NEVER BELIEVE ME ABOUT ANYTHING!!! YOU JUST DON'T EVEN THINK I'M EVER RIGHT, DO YOU?!
Me: Bob. Please. I'm just saying, using a calculator is lazy when you have as smart of a brain as...
Bob: *stares at me*
Me: ...you..
Bob: *eyes well with tears*
Me: ...do..
Bob: YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!!!!! HOW! DARE! YOU! LAZY?!!!? LAAAZZZYY?!
Me: ohmygoshBOB! CALM DOWN!
Bob: *tears streaming onto math problems*
three minutes later
Bob: I JUST HATE COMMON CORE!
Me: BUT YOU CAN DO IT! It sucks but you can do it!
Bob: K where's your phone
Me: WE WILL WRITE OUT OUR WORKINGS ON THE GRID
Bob: Hey wanna hear a joke
Me: Is it you doing your homework?
Bob: *eyes well with tears* YOUAREMEANIMGONNATELLMYMOMTHATWASNOTFUNNY
ten minutes later
Me: WOW! We finished problem 5! You did such a good job, I'm so proud of you! Okay, pick the next problem.
Bob: You pick it.
Me: *flattered* ohhh okay, how about 9! 9 looks fun!
Bob: NINE IS DIVISION! YOU KNOW I HATE DIVISION!
Me: But I'll help y--
Bob: YOU CAN'T HELP ME BECAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!
And then we both cried.
THE END.
But seriously, I thought I was "good" with Autistic kids until very recently. I've been watching Bob for years, and it was always sooooo easy to use pictures, candy bribes, and just patience to get him through his homework. The last few weeks, however, things have been an emotional wreck! I'm not gonna lie, I've shed tears while dealing with this child!
But, I think it's good for us both to have to put up with each other. While I make a bigger effort to understand him and his differences, he gets a heck of a lot of hershey's candy every time he finishes a problem set.
Monday, February 22, 2016
Peace and Literature
For some reason, I've had a poignant memory sticking with me the past few days. I was driving home from work last week and saw a hitchhiker on the side of the road. It jump-started something in my brain... that poem! I read it years ago. It was about a hitchhiker wearing yellow. I remember the moment I came to the end of that simple little half-page piece of writing, and how struck I was by the quality of it. It stirred something in me, bringing me out of myself and into the page, and obviously was impressive enough to keep me intrigued even 6 years later.
That poem was in a book, which was in a pile of books, which was surrounded by many more piles of books, all of which sat in the musty shadows of my ninth grade English teacher's classroom closet.
I had a study hall with that particular teacher a couple times a week. It was in the mornings, I remember, and I never had any homework to do during it. When I wasn't passing notes with classmates or drawing stupid stuff on the whiteboard, I distinctly remember getting up out of my seat and nonchalantly walking into that closet in the back of the classroom. I don't think I ever asked... just sort of got up and went in there to chill.
My teacher didn't seem to ever care. In fact, there were a few times he didn't even notice I had gone in, and would come back to get something and jump a little at the sight of me. "Oh! Sarah Kane, that's a good book, have you read this one yet?" He might have nudged a nearby novel with his foot on his way back out to the classroom, or pulled a book off a shelf and dropped it in my lap.
There was a little window in that closet, and it overlooked the street in front of school. I do remember a few sunny days, where warm light peeked into that closet over the edge of the windowsill, but more often I remember dreary fall and winter days when the school year started to drag on. I remember seeing the leaves come down off the giant tree hanging over the road, wet and brown and clinging to cars. And watching raindrops weeping down the dirty glass. Sometimes I sat in there to sleep (no point in lying, I totally did that) and sometimes to cry, but mostly to read.
That poem about the hitchhiker was in a distinct yellow book, with blue font. I want to say it was called "Writing To Be Read" and was published sometime in the 1970s, but for the LIFE of me I can't find it on the internet ANYWHERE with those details alone. There were certain sagely wisdoms in those educational chapters that truly reformed my attempts at non-fiction, fiction, and poetry. This was long before my days of AP English classes and college composition courses, but there were seeds of knowledge and skill planted during the hours spent flipping through those pages that I owe just as much to.
That beloved teacher has since passed away, and it's a regret of mine that I never had the chance to ask him for the details of that book so I can purchase it myself. Maybe one day I'll find it, with enough determination and pursuit. I would like to hold it in my hands and feel the same sense of quiet and calm I felt when I would sit criss-cross in that dimly lit closet, filling my chapel skirt with the worn spine and spread covers of books and journals, thinking all I was doing was waiting for the bell to ring. It was more than waiting. It was organic, precious time spent lost in peace and literature, and I miss that musty little closet, a dim haven in the middle of a loud, bullet point life.
That poem was in a book, which was in a pile of books, which was surrounded by many more piles of books, all of which sat in the musty shadows of my ninth grade English teacher's classroom closet.
I had a study hall with that particular teacher a couple times a week. It was in the mornings, I remember, and I never had any homework to do during it. When I wasn't passing notes with classmates or drawing stupid stuff on the whiteboard, I distinctly remember getting up out of my seat and nonchalantly walking into that closet in the back of the classroom. I don't think I ever asked... just sort of got up and went in there to chill.
My teacher didn't seem to ever care. In fact, there were a few times he didn't even notice I had gone in, and would come back to get something and jump a little at the sight of me. "Oh! Sarah Kane, that's a good book, have you read this one yet?" He might have nudged a nearby novel with his foot on his way back out to the classroom, or pulled a book off a shelf and dropped it in my lap.
There was a little window in that closet, and it overlooked the street in front of school. I do remember a few sunny days, where warm light peeked into that closet over the edge of the windowsill, but more often I remember dreary fall and winter days when the school year started to drag on. I remember seeing the leaves come down off the giant tree hanging over the road, wet and brown and clinging to cars. And watching raindrops weeping down the dirty glass. Sometimes I sat in there to sleep (no point in lying, I totally did that) and sometimes to cry, but mostly to read.
That poem about the hitchhiker was in a distinct yellow book, with blue font. I want to say it was called "Writing To Be Read" and was published sometime in the 1970s, but for the LIFE of me I can't find it on the internet ANYWHERE with those details alone. There were certain sagely wisdoms in those educational chapters that truly reformed my attempts at non-fiction, fiction, and poetry. This was long before my days of AP English classes and college composition courses, but there were seeds of knowledge and skill planted during the hours spent flipping through those pages that I owe just as much to.
That beloved teacher has since passed away, and it's a regret of mine that I never had the chance to ask him for the details of that book so I can purchase it myself. Maybe one day I'll find it, with enough determination and pursuit. I would like to hold it in my hands and feel the same sense of quiet and calm I felt when I would sit criss-cross in that dimly lit closet, filling my chapel skirt with the worn spine and spread covers of books and journals, thinking all I was doing was waiting for the bell to ring. It was more than waiting. It was organic, precious time spent lost in peace and literature, and I miss that musty little closet, a dim haven in the middle of a loud, bullet point life.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Mishaps in Black Mountain | Adventures with Priya
Today was so fun. I rose before the sun to shower off all the disgusting grime that was left over from babysitting last night (chocolate milk and tears, namely) and then I headed out to Black Mountain to meet my friend Priya *insert rainbow and flowers streaming from the sky*!
And when I say meet, I mean LITERALLY MEET because though we've been friends for almost six years, we have NEVER met in person! We took online classes together (with a bunch of other awesome people who are our friends now too!) and I guess we found out we had a lot in common since we were both (dunh dunh DUNNHHH!) HOMESCHOOLED *scream of terror*.
So, yeah, we met up while Priya was in Asheville for a weekend retreat with some of her college friends, and I am so glad we got the chance to hug each other for REAL! We had planned originally to go to Dobra Tea, which, if you know me, is one of my faves. Well, my GPS was obviously jealous of Priya and decided to literally reroute us into circles no matter what I did. I turned right onto the same road multiple times before we decided to live dangerously and go left. (ooooh! ahhhh.) Finally, about a half hour later, we GOT THERE!
They were closed.
(Like our hopes and dreams...)
So we drove around looking for another place to go, and finally we found an odd little tavern! And, GLORY BE the open sign was lit like a beacon of hope on sunday morning. We made a few illegal u-turns and got there!
They were closed. I guess they just forgot to turn their open sign off the night before? Don't worry. Yelp will hear about this.
So, like one does, we decided to Shop Local (trademark of Asheville) and go to DUNKIN DONUTS! Yay. We got, between the two of us, eight bags of various consumables. It was delicious, and the company was *alright*. It was wonderful, actually. It's sort of strange to transfer a friendship from skype and messaging to THE FLESH (sounds more intense than I meant) but oh, it was lovely. I don't know about Priya, but I so felt warm and fuzzy reminiscing on Ye Olden Days of Homeschool and also getting up to date on our current lives (which are both nuts, but hey, we aren't bored!).
Priya, it was so lovely to see you, and I *WILL* get you to write a guest post for me on my blahg sometime, just you wait!
*This is the view from Priya's cabin she stayed in. Can you say: WHAT THE HECK SO PRETTY
*Us being cute as all get out!
*I couldn't NOT post this photo. This is the aspect of in-person
friendship we finally got to experience! (AKA my ugly laugh and
whatever is happening to Priya's face in this moment. <3
And when I say meet, I mean LITERALLY MEET because though we've been friends for almost six years, we have NEVER met in person! We took online classes together (with a bunch of other awesome people who are our friends now too!) and I guess we found out we had a lot in common since we were both (dunh dunh DUNNHHH!) HOMESCHOOLED *scream of terror*.
So, yeah, we met up while Priya was in Asheville for a weekend retreat with some of her college friends, and I am so glad we got the chance to hug each other for REAL! We had planned originally to go to Dobra Tea, which, if you know me, is one of my faves. Well, my GPS was obviously jealous of Priya and decided to literally reroute us into circles no matter what I did. I turned right onto the same road multiple times before we decided to live dangerously and go left. (ooooh! ahhhh.) Finally, about a half hour later, we GOT THERE!
They were closed.
(Like our hopes and dreams...)
So we drove around looking for another place to go, and finally we found an odd little tavern! And, GLORY BE the open sign was lit like a beacon of hope on sunday morning. We made a few illegal u-turns and got there!
They were closed. I guess they just forgot to turn their open sign off the night before? Don't worry. Yelp will hear about this.
So, like one does, we decided to Shop Local (trademark of Asheville) and go to DUNKIN DONUTS! Yay. We got, between the two of us, eight bags of various consumables. It was delicious, and the company was *alright*. It was wonderful, actually. It's sort of strange to transfer a friendship from skype and messaging to THE FLESH (sounds more intense than I meant) but oh, it was lovely. I don't know about Priya, but I so felt warm and fuzzy reminiscing on Ye Olden Days of Homeschool and also getting up to date on our current lives (which are both nuts, but hey, we aren't bored!).
Priya, it was so lovely to see you, and I *WILL* get you to write a guest post for me on my blahg sometime, just you wait!
*This is the view from Priya's cabin she stayed in. Can you say: WHAT THE HECK SO PRETTY
*Us being cute as all get out!
*I couldn't NOT post this photo. This is the aspect of in-person
friendship we finally got to experience! (AKA my ugly laugh and
whatever is happening to Priya's face in this moment. <3
Friday, February 19, 2016
PSA: THE END IS NEAR
While rifling through my planner just now I saw that there's only one week of February left, which was great news, since February is obviously the worst month of the year by FAR. By February, the thrill of the "new year" is long worn off, there's nothing exciting like Christmas to look forward to, snow is starting to become old news (I hate snow), and BAD THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME IN FEBRUARY!
The February when I was 17 started a bad trend of disastrous Februaries. The first year was a car wreck. The next year was mono and, well, some guy problems (the two weren't related). Last year it was Pneumonia and a (mental) breakdown (those two WERE related).
THIS year, well, I just have found myself in not so great of a place in my life in general... I thought I'd be spending this February stressing over my Agnes Scott midterms, preparing for my class ring ceremony, and living it up in my Decatur apartment. Rather, I spent my morning wiping the noses of toddlers and drinking cold (but free) coffee out of a foam cup.
But. Then I saw my planner, and I REALIZED!
It's ALMOST OVER! (this icky blah-prone season, that is!)
We're so close to the spring, when, no matter what catastrophes are at hand, life is infinitely better. After this next week, it'll be March, which can go either way in terms of being terrible or pretty okay. Then it's April, which definitely brings some excitement over new green things growing, and then it's MAY... during which a lot of things happen, namely, SUMMER BEGINS. (For me. Because that's when I leave for camp.)
So, if you're a fellow seasonally-depressed human with bad winter vibes, then DON'T GIVE UP HOPE! The end is near... just be aware of that as we slug through the next two-three weeks of BLAH. We can do it!
The February when I was 17 started a bad trend of disastrous Februaries. The first year was a car wreck. The next year was mono and, well, some guy problems (the two weren't related). Last year it was Pneumonia and a (mental) breakdown (those two WERE related).
THIS year, well, I just have found myself in not so great of a place in my life in general... I thought I'd be spending this February stressing over my Agnes Scott midterms, preparing for my class ring ceremony, and living it up in my Decatur apartment. Rather, I spent my morning wiping the noses of toddlers and drinking cold (but free) coffee out of a foam cup.
But. Then I saw my planner, and I REALIZED!
It's ALMOST OVER! (this icky blah-prone season, that is!)
We're so close to the spring, when, no matter what catastrophes are at hand, life is infinitely better. After this next week, it'll be March, which can go either way in terms of being terrible or pretty okay. Then it's April, which definitely brings some excitement over new green things growing, and then it's MAY... during which a lot of things happen, namely, SUMMER BEGINS. (For me. Because that's when I leave for camp.)
So, if you're a fellow seasonally-depressed human with bad winter vibes, then DON'T GIVE UP HOPE! The end is near... just be aware of that as we slug through the next two-three weeks of BLAH. We can do it!
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
On "Being Alone"
It's been almost HALF A YEAR (!!) since I've been...
1. In school
2. In a relationship
3. In a really messed up mind-set!
I've been home, and alone, for almost six months. And LET ME TELL YA. I've come to know the true beauties of being "alone". What do I MEAN by "being alone" you ask?? I'LL TELL YOU!
I don't just mean being in a dating relationship. I mean being mentally and emotionally self-sufficient. Sometimes, even close friendships can become so intense that they take away some of the mental and emotional solitude that we experience when we aren't so caught up in the thoughts and needs of those around us.
So, even though I was single for almost all of high school, I wasn't often "alone" in the sense that I almost always had SOMEONE that was of such strong interest to me that they (intentionally or not) controlled a lot of my thoughts, feelings, and even actions. Boys for one things-- but even my close BFF relationships were SOOO influential on my opinions, my interests, etc.
For the first time in a LONG time, I'm REALLY on my own. I have friends, yes, and very close ones too... but I've reached a place where I don't over-emphasize the relationship in my head. I suppose I've become less susceptible to changing "who I am" for another person. Maybe that's all I mean. I just know that it's really kind of scary to all of a sudden feel so emotionally isolated, but it's been SO good for me! I've taken several steps back from everyone in my life (expect my parents, I feel much closer to them now), and while I spend more and more time with some of my dear friends, I also can keep my emotional-self inside myself more and more. There's a healthy balance between being close with others, and still preserving a strong emotional privacy policy.
But all that to say, I'm feeling so good about doing life on my own right now, and while I often make silly comments about being "forever alone" and probably sound totes desperate...
I'm NOT! I'm doing great. Thanks for asking. =)
1. In school
2. In a relationship
3. In a really messed up mind-set!
I've been home, and alone, for almost six months. And LET ME TELL YA. I've come to know the true beauties of being "alone". What do I MEAN by "being alone" you ask?? I'LL TELL YOU!
I don't just mean being in a dating relationship. I mean being mentally and emotionally self-sufficient. Sometimes, even close friendships can become so intense that they take away some of the mental and emotional solitude that we experience when we aren't so caught up in the thoughts and needs of those around us.
So, even though I was single for almost all of high school, I wasn't often "alone" in the sense that I almost always had SOMEONE that was of such strong interest to me that they (intentionally or not) controlled a lot of my thoughts, feelings, and even actions. Boys for one things-- but even my close BFF relationships were SOOO influential on my opinions, my interests, etc.
For the first time in a LONG time, I'm REALLY on my own. I have friends, yes, and very close ones too... but I've reached a place where I don't over-emphasize the relationship in my head. I suppose I've become less susceptible to changing "who I am" for another person. Maybe that's all I mean. I just know that it's really kind of scary to all of a sudden feel so emotionally isolated, but it's been SO good for me! I've taken several steps back from everyone in my life (expect my parents, I feel much closer to them now), and while I spend more and more time with some of my dear friends, I also can keep my emotional-self inside myself more and more. There's a healthy balance between being close with others, and still preserving a strong emotional privacy policy.
But all that to say, I'm feeling so good about doing life on my own right now, and while I often make silly comments about being "forever alone" and probably sound totes desperate...
I'm NOT! I'm doing great. Thanks for asking. =)
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
IN WHICH SARAH KANE GETS HER LIFE TOGETHER
I, Sarah Kane, hereby solemnly promise to wholeheartedly abstain from the following things which have proved to produce negative affects on my life:
1. Girl Scout Cookies in quantities of more than two
2. Cheap mud masks from Walmart
3. Giving people the benefit of the doubt
4. Coffee after 1 PM
5. Lending people stuff (money, books, WHATEVER!)
6. Counting my chickens before they have hatched
7. Shopping at Target (it's too painful... like texting your ex, you know?)
8. Youtube crime documentaries when it's dark out
9. Thinking I don't need to wear a coat, ever.
10. Agreeing to things THAT I DON'T WANT TO AGREE TO!
Yes. It's a stretch that I'll be able to accomplish all these merely by writing them out in a nice little numbered list. But a girl has to start somewhere! Honestly, I've made so many good changes in my life in the past 3 or 4 months... for instance, I've actually got a savings account now! With money in it! I've maybe matured since my little life crisis in September, and I'm slowly making progress in many areas (question mark). I'm putting time and money into nurturing my body, I'm doing my best to foster healthy friendships, and in terms of mySELF I'm really, REALLY working on becoming less of a push-over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Exclamation marks to infinity)
I may seem confident (do I? I hear I do, but I don't know). But I'm soooooo not! I'm a terrible, habitual people-pleaser, to the point where I would go without sleep or food just to avoid saying "no" to a boss or a friend. WELL. Since September, I've sort of had an internal shift where I just don't CARE about what people think *as much* as I do about my own personal health/wellbeing. I genuinely care about myself more these days, and I can look at situations with people and think, "will this person be there for me after I've made these sacrifices for them? Am I REALLY their only avenue for getting what they want? Is my future self going to thank me for this or be pissed at me?" and often the answer is "No. No. No, she'll be pissed at you."
Since this turning point, I've had to stand up for the things I want, not only with friends, but with my colleges, with employers, coworkers, insurance agencies, even family! It's hard to take control. But it feels really good to slowly accomplish little things through advocacy for what I want (or know is right!). It's OKAY to ask for extra help/information. It's OKAY to question why a certain procedure is happening. It's OKAY to say no to people. Coworkers, guys, friends, WHATEVER! I'm learning this. I knew it in theory before, but now I'm actively practicing what I know to be right.
I'm curious to know, do any of you have struggles with this? It's tough, because with things like self-advocacy you never know if people are having trouble with it, since outwardly they appear to be doing exactly what they want! People pleasers, gosh darn it.
While we're talking about self-improvement, one of these days I'll work on the fact that these blog posts are terribly self-centered! But you know... I made this blog to talk about the things I like, and I like talking about my life. YEAH! *hair toss*
1. Girl Scout Cookies in quantities of more than two
2. Cheap mud masks from Walmart
3. Giving people the benefit of the doubt
4. Coffee after 1 PM
5. Lending people stuff (money, books, WHATEVER!)
6. Counting my chickens before they have hatched
7. Shopping at Target (it's too painful... like texting your ex, you know?)
8. Youtube crime documentaries when it's dark out
9. Thinking I don't need to wear a coat, ever.
10. Agreeing to things THAT I DON'T WANT TO AGREE TO!
Yes. It's a stretch that I'll be able to accomplish all these merely by writing them out in a nice little numbered list. But a girl has to start somewhere! Honestly, I've made so many good changes in my life in the past 3 or 4 months... for instance, I've actually got a savings account now! With money in it! I've maybe matured since my little life crisis in September, and I'm slowly making progress in many areas (question mark). I'm putting time and money into nurturing my body, I'm doing my best to foster healthy friendships, and in terms of mySELF I'm really, REALLY working on becoming less of a push-over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Exclamation marks to infinity)
I may seem confident (do I? I hear I do, but I don't know). But I'm soooooo not! I'm a terrible, habitual people-pleaser, to the point where I would go without sleep or food just to avoid saying "no" to a boss or a friend. WELL. Since September, I've sort of had an internal shift where I just don't CARE about what people think *as much* as I do about my own personal health/wellbeing. I genuinely care about myself more these days, and I can look at situations with people and think, "will this person be there for me after I've made these sacrifices for them? Am I REALLY their only avenue for getting what they want? Is my future self going to thank me for this or be pissed at me?" and often the answer is "No. No. No, she'll be pissed at you."
Since this turning point, I've had to stand up for the things I want, not only with friends, but with my colleges, with employers, coworkers, insurance agencies, even family! It's hard to take control. But it feels really good to slowly accomplish little things through advocacy for what I want (or know is right!). It's OKAY to ask for extra help/information. It's OKAY to question why a certain procedure is happening. It's OKAY to say no to people. Coworkers, guys, friends, WHATEVER! I'm learning this. I knew it in theory before, but now I'm actively practicing what I know to be right.
I'm curious to know, do any of you have struggles with this? It's tough, because with things like self-advocacy you never know if people are having trouble with it, since outwardly they appear to be doing exactly what they want! People pleasers, gosh darn it.
While we're talking about self-improvement, one of these days I'll work on the fact that these blog posts are terribly self-centered! But you know... I made this blog to talk about the things I like, and I like talking about my life. YEAH! *hair toss*
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Mom, Dad, Brother, BABYSITTER.
I think people underestimate the amount of love babysitters have for the kids they watch, especially if it's regular and long-term. I've been watching three boys for almost four years, and recently I've really been struck by how much I care for them.
JB, the baby, was only 14 months old when I started going to his house each week. Now he's going to be FIVE! I was there when he started pre-school two years ago, and I'll be there when he starts kindergarten this fall. The boys have crossed so many milestones since I met them. I've watched C, the middle child, wrestle with the tragic death of one of his classmates. T, the oldest, has cried on my shoulder about the unfortunate social hierarchy of the fourth grade and how hard it is to have a developmental difference in a school setting.
These kids are mine in a unique way. Having the privilege of being there to protect and nurture them in the absence of their parents means more than the boys know. They think I'm there to turn on the oven and get things off the high shelves. Little do they know I'm a part of their development, socially, emotionally, and even spiritually, as we talk about minor AND major things multiple times a week.
I've spent more time with these kids than I do many of my friends... and honestly, the time we spend together is so high quality, since they demand that I run around and have fun with them, even if I'm grumpy and anti-social. They definitely bring out the best in me, and despite the bruises, split lips, and brutal honesty ("you have a poochy belly like mommy") that I've received from them, I love them to pieces and am honored to be a part of their lives! Family trees don't have a spot for "babysitter" but they most definitely should.
JB, the baby, was only 14 months old when I started going to his house each week. Now he's going to be FIVE! I was there when he started pre-school two years ago, and I'll be there when he starts kindergarten this fall. The boys have crossed so many milestones since I met them. I've watched C, the middle child, wrestle with the tragic death of one of his classmates. T, the oldest, has cried on my shoulder about the unfortunate social hierarchy of the fourth grade and how hard it is to have a developmental difference in a school setting.
These kids are mine in a unique way. Having the privilege of being there to protect and nurture them in the absence of their parents means more than the boys know. They think I'm there to turn on the oven and get things off the high shelves. Little do they know I'm a part of their development, socially, emotionally, and even spiritually, as we talk about minor AND major things multiple times a week.
I've spent more time with these kids than I do many of my friends... and honestly, the time we spend together is so high quality, since they demand that I run around and have fun with them, even if I'm grumpy and anti-social. They definitely bring out the best in me, and despite the bruises, split lips, and brutal honesty ("you have a poochy belly like mommy") that I've received from them, I love them to pieces and am honored to be a part of their lives! Family trees don't have a spot for "babysitter" but they most definitely should.
Monday, February 8, 2016
I CHASED MY CAR DOWN A HILL
So this was really, really scary at the time. But I have to write about it, because... in retrospect, it's EXACTLY the kind of story that I love to tell! (Bizarre, unfortunate, and with a LUCKY ENDING!)
Tonight, as I was leaving the house of the boys I watch, their dad said, "Be super careful going home! It's snowing a lot in Asheville!" and so on the drive home I was as cautious as could be... duh.
We live on a mountain and the road was already dusted white in front of my house. As many of you know, I'm borrowing my dad's car while mine is in the shop, and I treat that car like it's my firstborn child. I parked on the side of the curb where I always do, was *CERTAIN* to engage the parking brake, turned the car off, and exited the vehicle. I was already on my front porch, planning what snacks I would make once inside, when I heard an eerie scraping sound. I turned around and saw my DAD'S GORGEOUS PORSCHE sliding. down. the. hill.
I think I said, "nonononononononono" and started running after it, praying fervently as I watched that beautiful, expensive vehicle slide down a mountain. Alas, the street was icy and I had to do a unique form of pursuit that I now like to call a "shuffle run" after the car, which THANK GOD was moving relatively slowly. I stupidly fumbled with the keys to unlock the car while I was holding onto the door handle and literally being towed down the hill (I think I've conquered my fear of winter sports??). I jumped into the car and luckily, when I put my foot on the brake, the car ground to a stop.
I assessed the situation, certain that I had done something incredibly stupid, like left the car in drive. BUT NO. All was well. The car was in park, the brake was on... So I did what any 20 year old person does when they have a problem. I called my mom, who, poor thing, shuffled out of the house and helped me get the car into the driveway... (it was so icy I was just sliding around in reverse, saying "LOOK DO YOU SEE THIS. LOOK DO YOU SEE THIS!" with the window down).
Once on flat ground, the car didn't slide, which was a relief, because I would have probably had to steer it down an icy mountain road to a parking lot, or else... let it slide off a cliff. I would have wanted to die with that car in that case, because the Kane family has had enough vehicular disaster since I got my driver's license. Eeejhhh.
Anyway, if you've ever seen an unmanned car moving, it's really freaky, and I definitely got lucky in this case. Thank goodness for snow boots and stupidly thinking I'm capable of stopping a moving 2 ton piece of metal... because I was! =) So, my friends, a word from the wise (ha!)... don't park on hills in bad weather. And don't trust your parking brake. And always have your mom on speed dial. Stay safe out there, Asheville!
Tonight, as I was leaving the house of the boys I watch, their dad said, "Be super careful going home! It's snowing a lot in Asheville!" and so on the drive home I was as cautious as could be... duh.
We live on a mountain and the road was already dusted white in front of my house. As many of you know, I'm borrowing my dad's car while mine is in the shop, and I treat that car like it's my firstborn child. I parked on the side of the curb where I always do, was *CERTAIN* to engage the parking brake, turned the car off, and exited the vehicle. I was already on my front porch, planning what snacks I would make once inside, when I heard an eerie scraping sound. I turned around and saw my DAD'S GORGEOUS PORSCHE sliding. down. the. hill.
I think I said, "nonononononononono" and started running after it, praying fervently as I watched that beautiful, expensive vehicle slide down a mountain. Alas, the street was icy and I had to do a unique form of pursuit that I now like to call a "shuffle run" after the car, which THANK GOD was moving relatively slowly. I stupidly fumbled with the keys to unlock the car while I was holding onto the door handle and literally being towed down the hill (I think I've conquered my fear of winter sports??). I jumped into the car and luckily, when I put my foot on the brake, the car ground to a stop.
I assessed the situation, certain that I had done something incredibly stupid, like left the car in drive. BUT NO. All was well. The car was in park, the brake was on... So I did what any 20 year old person does when they have a problem. I called my mom, who, poor thing, shuffled out of the house and helped me get the car into the driveway... (it was so icy I was just sliding around in reverse, saying "LOOK DO YOU SEE THIS. LOOK DO YOU SEE THIS!" with the window down).
Once on flat ground, the car didn't slide, which was a relief, because I would have probably had to steer it down an icy mountain road to a parking lot, or else... let it slide off a cliff. I would have wanted to die with that car in that case, because the Kane family has had enough vehicular disaster since I got my driver's license. Eeejhhh.
Anyway, if you've ever seen an unmanned car moving, it's really freaky, and I definitely got lucky in this case. Thank goodness for snow boots and stupidly thinking I'm capable of stopping a moving 2 ton piece of metal... because I was! =) So, my friends, a word from the wise (ha!)... don't park on hills in bad weather. And don't trust your parking brake. And always have your mom on speed dial. Stay safe out there, Asheville!
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Oops.
Well, I woke up this morning on my uncle's pull-out sofa to the sounds of my dad snoring on the upper level of the open floor-plan apartment, the dogs' toes tapping on the tile floor, and the muffled sounds of people on the sidewalk. I could see their feet and ankles go by from the tiny basement window by my sofa dwelling. I haven't written on here in over a week, and that's totally not how I planned this to go. I actually have been really getting some great views and feedback on this blog, and had a lot of posts I'd planned on putting up this week.
Then, my cousin Jimmy passed away and I came with my dad to Philadelphia to stay with my Uncle Charlie for a few days, and we've been driving to and from New Jersey every day to see my aunt and cousins. This trip was not expected, but I'm so glad I was able to come up here to be supportive of not only my dad, but my other family members, most of whom I haven't seen in upwards of SIX YEARS!! My darling cousin's daughters have grown a lot in that time, they're young ladies now and not little kids. I even have a brand new cousin who I got to meet for the first time this week. That was so special. It's strange to hold a baby and realize you share so much with her, like a grandmother and all your cousins and that her dad once held me when I was that small. The concept of family can be overwhelming, especially when you've lived so long in only your nuclear family pod. What does family even mean when you never see them, hardly know them, and are so vastly different from them? I've been pondering that thought as I reconnect with my uncles, aunts, and cousins.
It's been a very emotional week, obviously everyone is mourning the sad passing of my cousin, but there's also something emotional about how death makes you reevaluate your own life. For me, this week has been filled with deep introspection and wrestling. My cousin Jimmy was so young, he hadn't even reached thirty. It really gives me pause. If I knew I had less than a decade left of life, what would change in my plans? Would I spend half that time just finishing my education? I go down the path of doubt and worry. I have to stop myself and remember that we are given each day by itself for a reason. Today, I have February 6th, 2016, and that is all I have. Whatever I do today, be it school, work, seeing friends, family, or strangers-- I need to do those things to the best of my abilities and with a balanced perspective of "I don't know how many tomorrows I have, but I want to set myself up for the best tomorrows possible by being the best I can today!".
Soon, I go back to my life in North Carolina, and while yes I'm bringing back a few corny "Philadelphia: City of Brotherly Love" t-shirts, I'm also bringing back some wisdom and perspective from these few days spent with family and the concepts of life and death.
Then, my cousin Jimmy passed away and I came with my dad to Philadelphia to stay with my Uncle Charlie for a few days, and we've been driving to and from New Jersey every day to see my aunt and cousins. This trip was not expected, but I'm so glad I was able to come up here to be supportive of not only my dad, but my other family members, most of whom I haven't seen in upwards of SIX YEARS!! My darling cousin's daughters have grown a lot in that time, they're young ladies now and not little kids. I even have a brand new cousin who I got to meet for the first time this week. That was so special. It's strange to hold a baby and realize you share so much with her, like a grandmother and all your cousins and that her dad once held me when I was that small. The concept of family can be overwhelming, especially when you've lived so long in only your nuclear family pod. What does family even mean when you never see them, hardly know them, and are so vastly different from them? I've been pondering that thought as I reconnect with my uncles, aunts, and cousins.
It's been a very emotional week, obviously everyone is mourning the sad passing of my cousin, but there's also something emotional about how death makes you reevaluate your own life. For me, this week has been filled with deep introspection and wrestling. My cousin Jimmy was so young, he hadn't even reached thirty. It really gives me pause. If I knew I had less than a decade left of life, what would change in my plans? Would I spend half that time just finishing my education? I go down the path of doubt and worry. I have to stop myself and remember that we are given each day by itself for a reason. Today, I have February 6th, 2016, and that is all I have. Whatever I do today, be it school, work, seeing friends, family, or strangers-- I need to do those things to the best of my abilities and with a balanced perspective of "I don't know how many tomorrows I have, but I want to set myself up for the best tomorrows possible by being the best I can today!".
Soon, I go back to my life in North Carolina, and while yes I'm bringing back a few corny "Philadelphia: City of Brotherly Love" t-shirts, I'm also bringing back some wisdom and perspective from these few days spent with family and the concepts of life and death.
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