Well, folks, Sarah Kane's life is slowly inching along, one assignment, shift, and day at a time. As September draws to a close, it's tempting for me to start analysing myself to death and stressing non-stop...
Pop QUIZ! Which of these things makes me stress non-stop?
a) the fact that it's been a year since I've been home
b) school
c) WINTER IS COMING AND THAT MAKES ME SAD
d) It's just my inherent nature to stress non-stop
e) All of the above
If you answered E...
100% A+ Good Job CORRECT
It's just that time. Summertime is fairly stress-free for me. Spring is great. Christmas break is usually less terrible than anticipated.
But this awful season when winter starts to loom, OH, that does it for me! *WHINES* Between school and work and avoiding stalkers and all those other fun 20-year-old things, I'm due for a cry about every 15.8 hours or so*.
But you know? I've started this new thing, where instead of letting myself be sad, lonely, irritated, or what have you, I just look myself in the eye and say "GET ON WITH IT!"
I've just had to.
Because school and work don't stop for a pity party sesh you know?!
I've found functioning on a daily basis is getting harder and harder. It could be because it actually IS getting harder (school. work. people. all getting harder!) or it could be because I'm getting worse at doing stuff. I've finally had to admit to myself that this gigantic trauma thing that happened to me last year has really done a number on a few things (you know, like my self-confidence, tolerance for people, sensitivity levels, idealist worldview, naive hopefulness, etc. etc. oh darn).
SO YEAH! Things aren't that easy!
But you know what works?
Just. Getting. On. With. It.
I can stop all day to analyse how hard things are for me right now, but that won't get things done. You know what gets things done? Doing things. So, people, I'm doing things. Repress your feelings! Ignore yourself! JUST DO THINGS! Push through. Carry on. Fight it out.
It works!
*two thumbs up*
*official statistical chart on "hours Sarah spends crying" coming soon.
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Sunday, September 25, 2016
How to Make Friends and Then Slowly Drift Away from Them
Making friends is hard.
That's evident by the amount of friends I currently claim - around five! And I mean friends, as in people who really know me, care about me, and are with me in life...
Obviously, there are more than five people who know me well, and hopefully more than five people care about me, but not many of those people are with me. With me in the sense that I can pick up the phone, call them, and say "HEY!!! Starting my new job today, wish me LUCK!" and not have them require a 16 page backstory to figure out what I'm talking about.
Was it always this hard to make friends?
No.
I don't know what it was about these simpler days that made friendship such a "for granted" fact. Maybe kids are just better at friendship at adults. I don't know. I don't know what happens between ages 7 and 17 and that so vastly changes a person's ability to connect with others in a simple, meaningful way that truly affects their life. Because I know for me, it's gotten really hard.
There are so many people that were a huge part of my childhood and young life. People I saw every day. People that were part of the practice grounds where we learned how to love, gossip, hold grudges, have crushes, create inside jokes, argue, agree, relate, and change.
AND, Obviously, there are some of those friendships that have truly and deeply lasted...
That's evident by the amount of friends I currently claim - around five! And I mean friends, as in people who really know me, care about me, and are with me in life...
Obviously, there are more than five people who know me well, and hopefully more than five people care about me, but not many of those people are with me. With me in the sense that I can pick up the phone, call them, and say "HEY!!! Starting my new job today, wish me LUCK!" and not have them require a 16 page backstory to figure out what I'm talking about.
Was it always this hard to make friends?
No.
Friends used to just sort of... happen.
Friends were as much a part of life as losing teeth and watching your bangs grow out. I didn't consciously orchestrate friendship, it was just there.
There are so many people that were a huge part of my childhood and young life. People I saw every day. People that were part of the practice grounds where we learned how to love, gossip, hold grudges, have crushes, create inside jokes, argue, agree, relate, and change.
But then, there's so many friendships that haven't. (See picture 2 for a good view of about, oh, FIVE PEOPLE WHO HATE MY GUTS NOW).
And it's not a bad thing that I (along with the other party) eventually grew out of a lot of those relationships... is it?
WAIT WAIT WAIT. Back it up. Why do we even HAVE friends in the first place?!
Pretty much any two kids can play together, and find a way to make things work. Friendship is something they NEED. They need friends because they need playmates. They need someone to be the other action figure. Someone to be the other baby-doll mom. Someone to cook for in the play kitchen. For kids, it's just all part of play.
But what is it for adults? Why do we need friends? I know for me, it's become quite complex.
I need people to listen to me whine. People to hug me when I'm sad. People to make me laugh. People to support me in my scary choices. People to make me feel like I'm supportive.
It's become so hard to make and maintain friendships, partly because existing seems to have become much harder. When I was a child, life was easy and friends were perks. Now that I'm grown, life is hard and friendships are another thing on the checklist. Work.
That sucks though. I want to go back to the way it was before! Where we just had friends because we needed them to make our fun funner. You know, like.... CAMP FRIENDS!
Relationships are different now that I'm out of high school and I'm not "friends by obligation" with the people around me. The places I've met "friend material" people have surprised me. Camp. Work. Class. The Internet. People I met at military bases. People I meet at concerts. Friends of friends. Bible studies. Church. Moms of kids I babysit. Etc. Etc.
And while I don't always find "friends" out of these people, every now and then someone ends up sticking, and a beautiful friendship is formed.
So... what was I trying to get at here?
Oh yeah. Friendship isn't as simple as used to be.
It's quite hard. And I think that's a direct result of how complicated life and myself have become.
But it's okay, because I still have a few friends.
THE END.
Saturday, September 17, 2016
Camp Watia Nostalgia: Ice Water and Friendship
Yesterday, at the end of another hectic week, I started off my morning with a glass of ice water and was transported back to a poignant memory from this summer.
It was the second to last week of camp (or somewhere around there!) and I had just been moved from the 12-year-old cabin to the youngest age group. I had an amazing co-counselor and a very robust group of 8-year-old girls to spend my week with.
One of them, whom I call Elizabeth (I'm not allowed to reveal her real name or too many obvious details about her life as a foster child here on the web!), has made a few other appearances on this blog. Her heart-winning transition from an uncontrollable "Jungle Girl" to my favorite camper of the summer was not without moments of insanity, much like the day I was reminded of yesterday.
After swim time, when the campers were hot, sweaty, sticky, and tired, we had one last activity before dinner. This day, that activity was Capture the Flag (one of my favorites!) and I was so absorbed in the game that I didn't notice Elizabeth and her "best friend" (let's call her Allie) had snuck off, like they often did, to the far edge of unused part of the field to do gymnastics. They frequently wandered off from the rest of our cabin during group activities, and it was a constant juggling session trying to keep them entertained and engaged, while still allowing them to have their own idea of "fun". (Which was, usually, gymnastics.)
I jogged over to check on them, and plopped myself down in the grass. "You guys need to ask me before you go anywhere!" I started.
But quickly it was obvious I was interrupting them.
"We're having a *private conversation* if that's okay," Allie said sweetly.
"Oh PLEASE," Elizabeth retorted bitterly. "Is that what you called it when you were BEST-FRIEND-CHEATING ON ME EARLIER WITH KATHERINE?!"
"Elizabeth, I wasn't best-friend-cheating on you!!!"
Elizabeth transitioned suddenly into a non-verbal little beast (like she often did) and threw herself flat on the ground and started screaming, pounding her fists into the grass.
Allie, who probably had never had a friend behave like this before, started pummelling her friend in the leg with her palm, "SIT UP! STOP IT! STOP! ELIZABETHHHHHHHHHHH!"
I dragged Allie off of Elizabeth and then scooped Elizabeth into my lap. She stayed limp like a noodle. "I should just die..." she said, "would serve you right, best-friend-cheater!" and with that she flopped completely motionless across my lap and even let her tongue hang out of her mouth dramatically (get this kid into acting class, ASAP!).
"Girls," I began, after collecting myself for a moment, "Can someone tell me why you guys are fighting? You're best friends!"
Allie, through her sobs, started off with "She says I'm best-friend-cheating on her with Katherine, but it's not true--"
And with a miracle from heaven, Elizabeth resurrected from the dead and shouted back, "You WERE TOO! You don't even like me! NOBODY LIKES ME!"
"No, no, no!" Allie shrieked. "I'M the one nobody likes! Everyone hates me!"
"NO EVERYONE HATES ME! You're my only friend and now even YOU'VE left me!" Elizabeth cried.
"NOT TRUE! YOU'RE THE ONE LEAVING ME!" Allie uttered in despair, breaking down in more sobs.
"Girls!" I finally shouted over them. "GIRLS!"
They both turned and looked at me, waiting for the inevitable threat of some kind.
I had no threats. I was exhausted, worn-out, hot and sweaty and irritated from itchy grass and screaming children and the inevitable looming failure of another long day. Nobody likes me either! I thought. Get used to it!
The girls continued to wait for my response, which came after a moment or two:
"Do you guys want to ditch this game and go on a walk?"
"Not with HER," Elizabeth growled.
"Oh come on, we're going together, and we're going to get you guys sorted out," I said. After leaving the rest of my campers in the care of other staff (God bless you, Shannon and Poppy) I took the two quarreling best friends each by the hand, and we started to walk to the dining hall.
"Here's the deal," I said. "This process will fix your angriness and your fight with each other. But it will ONLY work if you both remain totally quiet from this point on."
(I was completely making this up, and partly because I had a raging headache, but that's one of the perks of being in charge.)
The girls followed me into the dining hall, out of the disgusting July heat (ugh!). We went back to the kitchen and asked Darcy (our amazing "do it all" camp-mom) for three glasses of ice water. We carried them to a nearby table, and I made the girls sit opposite me so I could look at their sweaty little faces and try to talk some sense into them.
"Girls, when your tempers flare up, it's like a fire starts in your body. One little spark of anger can grow and grow and grow until it takes over your brain." (Again, making this up as I go.) "And it's just like a forest fire! It feeds on lots of things, especially angry words. Angry words make the fire much worse. Do you understand?"
Allie, now completely solemn and remorseful, nodded. Elizabeth, a little skeptical, shrugged.
"So, when you get angry like you both just did, you have to very carefully try and put out the fire your temper started. First, you have stop feeding the fire with angry words. Being quiet is very important when you're angry, and it might stop that fire from getting bigger. Then, you have to try and cool yourself off so that fire goes away completely. Ice water works wonders," I pushed them their glasses. "So drink this whole glass, and see if it helps."
The girls intantly guzzled their glasses. "Wow!" Allie exclaimed. "I'm not even angry anymore!"
Elizabeth shoved her glass back at me. "MORE! MORE! I'm still on fire! HELP!"
After her second glass of water was downed, she turned to Allie and they both started laughing. And then I started laughing.
"Miss Sarah," Elizabeth began, "Your face looks so red! Is that because your temper is burning you up right now?"
"Maybe," I said, "you never know..."
"QUICK!" the girls both grabbed my glass and ran to the sink to fill it up for me. "YOU GOTTA PUT THAT FIRE OUT!"
The antics continued for a few minutes, but I eventually reigned the girls back in to get some kind of, you know, "lesson" out of the whole thing.
"So, girls, you were both mad at each other because you felt like the other person didn't like you, understand you, or listen to you. But really, I think you're both very good friends to each other. When you feel like someone doesn't like you, sometimes it isn't because they don't like you. Sometimes it's because you feel insecure and don't understand how someone could possibly like you! Do you ever feel unlikeable?"
Both girls nodded seriously.
"Me too," I said. "And sometimes, when I feel like I'm not likable, I blame my friends for not liking me. But that's not fair, is it?"
The girls shook their heads.
"So," I began. "Do you think, Elizabeth, that Allie REALLY doesn't you like you? Or maybe you were just feeling a little insecure?"
Elizabeth, through her mouthful of ice, muttered, "I gueth maybeh I wath juth inthecure."
(Good answer, camper!)
"See?!" I said excitedly. "That explains your whole fight! It was silly, and when you get insecure like that, you need to remind yourself that you ARE liked, and that your friends are on your side!"
"Thure, Mith Tharah," Elizabeth chuckled, and then sneezed, accidentally shooting an ice cube out of her mouth.
It hit me, of course.
Both girls laughed and laughed and laughed, and so did I.
From that point on in the week, there a few more issues between the two friends, but they were always easily resolved, and there were a few times when even Miss Sarah herself lost her temper a little bit, and there was one such occasion where Elizabeth crossed her arms, stared me down intensely, and muttered, "Geez, Miss Sarah, have a glass of water already!"
It was the second to last week of camp (or somewhere around there!) and I had just been moved from the 12-year-old cabin to the youngest age group. I had an amazing co-counselor and a very robust group of 8-year-old girls to spend my week with.
One of them, whom I call Elizabeth (I'm not allowed to reveal her real name or too many obvious details about her life as a foster child here on the web!), has made a few other appearances on this blog. Her heart-winning transition from an uncontrollable "Jungle Girl" to my favorite camper of the summer was not without moments of insanity, much like the day I was reminded of yesterday.
After swim time, when the campers were hot, sweaty, sticky, and tired, we had one last activity before dinner. This day, that activity was Capture the Flag (one of my favorites!) and I was so absorbed in the game that I didn't notice Elizabeth and her "best friend" (let's call her Allie) had snuck off, like they often did, to the far edge of unused part of the field to do gymnastics. They frequently wandered off from the rest of our cabin during group activities, and it was a constant juggling session trying to keep them entertained and engaged, while still allowing them to have their own idea of "fun". (Which was, usually, gymnastics.)
I jogged over to check on them, and plopped myself down in the grass. "You guys need to ask me before you go anywhere!" I started.
But quickly it was obvious I was interrupting them.
"We're having a *private conversation* if that's okay," Allie said sweetly.
"Oh PLEASE," Elizabeth retorted bitterly. "Is that what you called it when you were BEST-FRIEND-CHEATING ON ME EARLIER WITH KATHERINE?!"
"Elizabeth, I wasn't best-friend-cheating on you!!!"
Elizabeth transitioned suddenly into a non-verbal little beast (like she often did) and threw herself flat on the ground and started screaming, pounding her fists into the grass.
Allie, who probably had never had a friend behave like this before, started pummelling her friend in the leg with her palm, "SIT UP! STOP IT! STOP! ELIZABETHHHHHHHHHHH!"
I dragged Allie off of Elizabeth and then scooped Elizabeth into my lap. She stayed limp like a noodle. "I should just die..." she said, "would serve you right, best-friend-cheater!" and with that she flopped completely motionless across my lap and even let her tongue hang out of her mouth dramatically (get this kid into acting class, ASAP!).
"Girls," I began, after collecting myself for a moment, "Can someone tell me why you guys are fighting? You're best friends!"
Allie, through her sobs, started off with "She says I'm best-friend-cheating on her with Katherine, but it's not true--"
And with a miracle from heaven, Elizabeth resurrected from the dead and shouted back, "You WERE TOO! You don't even like me! NOBODY LIKES ME!"
"No, no, no!" Allie shrieked. "I'M the one nobody likes! Everyone hates me!"
"NO EVERYONE HATES ME! You're my only friend and now even YOU'VE left me!" Elizabeth cried.
"NOT TRUE! YOU'RE THE ONE LEAVING ME!" Allie uttered in despair, breaking down in more sobs.
"Girls!" I finally shouted over them. "GIRLS!"
They both turned and looked at me, waiting for the inevitable threat of some kind.
I had no threats. I was exhausted, worn-out, hot and sweaty and irritated from itchy grass and screaming children and the inevitable looming failure of another long day. Nobody likes me either! I thought. Get used to it!
The girls continued to wait for my response, which came after a moment or two:
"Do you guys want to ditch this game and go on a walk?"
"Not with HER," Elizabeth growled.
"Oh come on, we're going together, and we're going to get you guys sorted out," I said. After leaving the rest of my campers in the care of other staff (God bless you, Shannon and Poppy) I took the two quarreling best friends each by the hand, and we started to walk to the dining hall.
"Here's the deal," I said. "This process will fix your angriness and your fight with each other. But it will ONLY work if you both remain totally quiet from this point on."
(I was completely making this up, and partly because I had a raging headache, but that's one of the perks of being in charge.)
The girls followed me into the dining hall, out of the disgusting July heat (ugh!). We went back to the kitchen and asked Darcy (our amazing "do it all" camp-mom) for three glasses of ice water. We carried them to a nearby table, and I made the girls sit opposite me so I could look at their sweaty little faces and try to talk some sense into them.
"Girls, when your tempers flare up, it's like a fire starts in your body. One little spark of anger can grow and grow and grow until it takes over your brain." (Again, making this up as I go.) "And it's just like a forest fire! It feeds on lots of things, especially angry words. Angry words make the fire much worse. Do you understand?"
Allie, now completely solemn and remorseful, nodded. Elizabeth, a little skeptical, shrugged.
"So, when you get angry like you both just did, you have to very carefully try and put out the fire your temper started. First, you have stop feeding the fire with angry words. Being quiet is very important when you're angry, and it might stop that fire from getting bigger. Then, you have to try and cool yourself off so that fire goes away completely. Ice water works wonders," I pushed them their glasses. "So drink this whole glass, and see if it helps."
The girls intantly guzzled their glasses. "Wow!" Allie exclaimed. "I'm not even angry anymore!"
Elizabeth shoved her glass back at me. "MORE! MORE! I'm still on fire! HELP!"
After her second glass of water was downed, she turned to Allie and they both started laughing. And then I started laughing.
"Miss Sarah," Elizabeth began, "Your face looks so red! Is that because your temper is burning you up right now?"
"Maybe," I said, "you never know..."
"QUICK!" the girls both grabbed my glass and ran to the sink to fill it up for me. "YOU GOTTA PUT THAT FIRE OUT!"
The antics continued for a few minutes, but I eventually reigned the girls back in to get some kind of, you know, "lesson" out of the whole thing.
"So, girls, you were both mad at each other because you felt like the other person didn't like you, understand you, or listen to you. But really, I think you're both very good friends to each other. When you feel like someone doesn't like you, sometimes it isn't because they don't like you. Sometimes it's because you feel insecure and don't understand how someone could possibly like you! Do you ever feel unlikeable?"
Both girls nodded seriously.
"Me too," I said. "And sometimes, when I feel like I'm not likable, I blame my friends for not liking me. But that's not fair, is it?"
The girls shook their heads.
"So," I began. "Do you think, Elizabeth, that Allie REALLY doesn't you like you? Or maybe you were just feeling a little insecure?"
Elizabeth, through her mouthful of ice, muttered, "I gueth maybeh I wath juth inthecure."
(Good answer, camper!)
"See?!" I said excitedly. "That explains your whole fight! It was silly, and when you get insecure like that, you need to remind yourself that you ARE liked, and that your friends are on your side!"
"Thure, Mith Tharah," Elizabeth chuckled, and then sneezed, accidentally shooting an ice cube out of her mouth.
It hit me, of course.
Both girls laughed and laughed and laughed, and so did I.
From that point on in the week, there a few more issues between the two friends, but they were always easily resolved, and there were a few times when even Miss Sarah herself lost her temper a little bit, and there was one such occasion where Elizabeth crossed her arms, stared me down intensely, and muttered, "Geez, Miss Sarah, have a glass of water already!"
Thursday, September 8, 2016
HAPPY ONE YEAR, ME.
Trauma almost hits "reset" in your brain. Leaving an abusive person can make you leave behind parts of yourself as well. Deep loss changes people. Having experienced all three in the past year, well... let's just say happy birthday to a New Sarah that was born a year ago.
Dear Me,
Congratulations on one year of being Really Yourself.
It's been 12 months since you sat in the police department shivering in your pajamas while various uniformed figures walked in and out the room handing you pens and paperwork and sympathetic looks.
It's been 12 months since you packed your brand new apartment into your dad's car and came HOME.
And most importantly, it's been 12 months you've been you. (And I mean really you.)
It's been a hard year.
It's been a year of "separating fact from fiction" when it comes to what you are - what you love -what you believe - what you feel. And throughout that process, there have been many tears, nightmares, and Bad Days.
But one Bad Day (and one Good Day, and one Okay-ish Day) at a time - you made it to here.
There were times you weren't sure you'd get here. There were things you did in desperation to try and get here. (Therapy. Summer Camp. THIS BLOG.)
...and those things, it seems... worked.
Here you are.
Congrats, me, on one year of being free. One year of falling asleep and waking up all by yourself. One year of ordering your own meals. One year of cutting your hair whenever you like. One year of your own music. Your own books. Your own friends. Your own mistakes. Your own victories.
And may I remind you, me:
You're very young right now. It's only been a year. One-year-olds need help. It's okay to need help.
And so:
Happy Escapiversary.
Merry You-mas.
Congrats on your little bundle of you.
Dear Me,
Congratulations on one year of being Really Yourself.
It's been 12 months since you sat in the police department shivering in your pajamas while various uniformed figures walked in and out the room handing you pens and paperwork and sympathetic looks.
It's been 12 months since you packed your brand new apartment into your dad's car and came HOME.
And most importantly, it's been 12 months you've been you. (And I mean really you.)
It's been a hard year.
It's been a year of "separating fact from fiction" when it comes to what you are - what you love -what you believe - what you feel. And throughout that process, there have been many tears, nightmares, and Bad Days.
But one Bad Day (and one Good Day, and one Okay-ish Day) at a time - you made it to here.
There were times you weren't sure you'd get here. There were things you did in desperation to try and get here. (Therapy. Summer Camp. THIS BLOG.)
...and those things, it seems... worked.
Here you are.
Congrats, me, on one year of being free. One year of falling asleep and waking up all by yourself. One year of ordering your own meals. One year of cutting your hair whenever you like. One year of your own music. Your own books. Your own friends. Your own mistakes. Your own victories.
And may I remind you, me:
You're very young right now. It's only been a year. One-year-olds need help. It's okay to need help.
And so:
Happy Escapiversary.
Merry You-mas.
Congrats on your little bundle of you.
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Five Things I Forgot About College
So, I'm back in the game after a year on the bench, and there are some things I'd forgotten about... Here they are.
1. Professors are (still) smarter than me.
Yes. Apparently, while I was gone from college, I did NOT discover all the secrets to life and I still have some things to learn.
2. Homework isn't that bad...
For some reason, I thought that coming back into school, I'd be drowning in assignments, but I wasn't before and I'm not now. (It's the exams that are the scary part...)
3. AVOID THE FOOD AT ALL COSTS.
There's not much to say about this, but the fact that my very first cafeteria meal of the semester found me laying in my car sweating and crying an hour later... that says it all.
4. Routines are pleasant.
I've quite enjoyed knowing EXACTLY how every day of the week is going to go. I can fill in the gaps between class confidently, unlike my schedule when I was out of school, which was chaotic and fun, but not conducive to important things like sleep and eating regularly.
5. School is really not that big of a deal.
At the end of the day, I'm the same person in or out of class; my identity isn't based on papers, grades, or anything else school-related. Good grades are just a perk of being great, not a deciding factor. ;)
THE END
STAY TUNED
HAHA BYYYEE
1. Professors are (still) smarter than me.
Yes. Apparently, while I was gone from college, I did NOT discover all the secrets to life and I still have some things to learn.
2. Homework isn't that bad...
For some reason, I thought that coming back into school, I'd be drowning in assignments, but I wasn't before and I'm not now. (It's the exams that are the scary part...)
3. AVOID THE FOOD AT ALL COSTS.
There's not much to say about this, but the fact that my very first cafeteria meal of the semester found me laying in my car sweating and crying an hour later... that says it all.
4. Routines are pleasant.
I've quite enjoyed knowing EXACTLY how every day of the week is going to go. I can fill in the gaps between class confidently, unlike my schedule when I was out of school, which was chaotic and fun, but not conducive to important things like sleep and eating regularly.
5. School is really not that big of a deal.
At the end of the day, I'm the same person in or out of class; my identity isn't based on papers, grades, or anything else school-related. Good grades are just a perk of being great, not a deciding factor. ;)
THE END
STAY TUNED
HAHA BYYYEE
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)