AULD LANG SYNE

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

We'll take a cup o' kindness yet, 

For auld lang syne."

Sit down, Robert Burns. It's my turn to talk.

The "New Year" has long been one of my favorite celebrations. The acknowledgment of the ever speedy passage of time -- the countdown to something "new" -- the stopping to assess our lives and think about where we are, where we want to be. 

All good things.

When 2016 was born in a flood of underage champagne consumption and some tears of hopefulness, it truly marked the start of something "new" for me. 2015 had been a year of horrors, despair, pain, and chaos. 2016, despite the world's disdain for it, was truly an AMAZING year for me, and by no fault of my own. Despite the fact I made leaps and bounds of growth and change over the course of twelve months, I actually started the year with only three resolutions: to blog throughout the year, to keep my closet more organized, and to not do anything drastic and regrettable to my hair. 

Well, I blogged (and people READ it)! And my hair survived a hectic year in a mostly virgin state (barely). And my closet is clean (at this exact moment in time)!

But those resolutions ('cept for blogging of course) are KIND OF LAME if you really think about them! My ability to analyze my life, critically evaluate my feelings on it, and to then wisely compile a list of concrete, achievable goals is, well, lacking. Do I only really care about a clean closet and a great haircut?! Oh, god, no. That's just the tip of the iceberg!

This New Year's, I'm struggling even more than usual with my resolutions. It's not that I can't SEE areas I should improve on -- of course, there is a plethora of things I don't like about myself -- I could be way cooler with a few modifications, don'tcha think?!?

But how to express these areas I wish to change... 

My 2017 Resolutions (at least the ones I have so far) are as vague as heck -

Keep Up the Good Work!
Don't Cry Over Boys!
Stay Positive!
Go to Therapy A Lot!

Okay, the last one is specific, but... I'm struggling with how to convert vague, intangible desires into concrete, achievable goals! I want to change myself in areas of mindsets, desires, and emotions... I want SO MANY FREAKING THINGS!

healthy relationships
an unclouded mind
a robust and secure self-esteem
a deep and understanding sympathy for the world 
a guarded heart
a simple and peaceful faith.
a graceful body and spirit
patience and gentleness
freedom and fearlessness.

How does a girl start off her year with all that penned into a handy list to follow?!

Maybe, she doesn't.

Maybe, she just keeps going. 

Maybe, she takes a breath at the start of the new year and just dives in. 

Because, the passage of time doesn't care about my lists, my plans, my hopes, my fears... time takes me every day just the same. A little bit of life is gone in exchange for a little bit of whatever I plant down in place of it. 

2017 is going to be good, EVEN IF IT SUCKS. 

Because every year is good. Every day is good. And I have to remind myself of this in order to deal with school, break-ups, the world news... 

Whatever happens to you is just what happens to you. 

Perhaps one of my resolutions for myself is to let go of some of my resolutions...

To kick back a little, while simultaneously buckling down a little.

Maybe if I laugh a little more, care a little less, and always push forward just the same... my year will rock. Just like it did this year, in beautiful 2016, and in last year, horrendous 2015, and every other year that's pushed me into the place I am now.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS!

To those of you that have made me laugh, cry, rejoice, think more, think less, kiss a lot, walk barefoot, rediscover email, read poetry, be strong, "be cool", and maybe even hurt a little... 

Thank you for helping me reach my unspoken and my UTMOST resolutions. To love, and to be loved.

Because without love, none of those other resolutions matter a bit.

so thank you.

friends,

i love you,

happy new year.

The Great Spin Cycle of Life

**Introduction**

I wrote this a while ago but have debated posting it for a while because I don't like showing this vulnerable side of myself, and I just really wanted to do this post justice because my best friend's engagement is SUPER special to me. And I'll admit I'm wary of posting this bundle of emotions! However, it's these parts of myself that are worth sharing, so I'm sharing this today.


Today, I got a phone call from my best friend in the whole world - she's engaged! 

ENGAGED!

And would I be her bridesmaid?! Well of COURSE! That's been the plan since, well, forever! This is the time of our lives we've been rehearsing in my backyard's playground-wedding-venue since young childhood. Happiness brimmed over in our conversation. Plans for the future, disbelief, excitement and nostalgia and LOTS of questions for her... AHHHH! AHHHHHHH!!!! 

Plain and simple, it's overwhelming as HECK! It's amazing and wonderful and happy... and tears of happiness welled up in my eyes as I congratulated my best friend.

But, upon hanging up with her, I promptly burst into tears. Nostalgic memories of the little eight-year-old girl that brought whoopie pies to my house as a "welcome to the neighborhood" offering flooded my mind.

A decade ago, we were nursing baby dolls and daring each other to pee in the woods. We had yet to experience a world of flat-irons, text messages, dating, depression, romance, disappointment, late night news channels, insomnia, anxiety, politics, career paths, diplomas, dieting, break-ups... and the list goes on. These were all mythical, distant concepts that we saw snippets of through older sisters and parents and books we were too young to read.

It's a dark, utterly terrifying world out here, one that we knew very little about from our "secret garden" of our backyards. To me, the extent of the world that I desired to know was the end of a short path through the woods leading to her house.

Our sweet friendship sustained my happy childhood days, grew me emotionally into someone who could connect with others, taught me many basic social skills (like calling people before showing up at their house) and was, in fact, a crucial aspect in developing the woman I am today.

I owe much to this best friend! And it's been an exercise in "letting go" watching her branch out into a successful, accomplished, lovely woman - whom I rarely see these days except through sound bites of voicemails, skype calls... and that thing we both used to think was so uncool and conforming, texting.

This post does not have a clear beginning and end - there's really not a point that I'm trying to get at it. Today is a day for lots of feelings. Feelings. Those vague, wishy-washy things that can be so flighty and fleeting and yet run deeper and stronger than words can express. There are many feelings that cross my path during the day, feelings that blow like a breeze over my mind. And then, there are feelings that are a deep current swaying my heart back and forth in painful, sweet, rich motion of memory.

And today, it's that. Within my chest, I feel emotions that span across thirteen years. They catapult me back to age 8, back into a wild child with her hair hanging wispily out of a messy pony-tail, thighs orange and dusty from shimmying up a "tiger tree", hands covered in clay and cuts and crudely made wire-and-bead "best friend" rings.

The Great Spin Cycle of Life has me caught in a current - all at once seeing my childhood in colorful, vibrant flashes behind me and simultaneously, a rich, busy future speeding towards me. I'm vacillating back and forth between the two, with one foot planted tentatively in each. While my life is moving more and more into grown-up-land, there are times when I am transported back, and Kara, as my soul-sister, baby-best-friend, and long-past playmate will ALWAYS remind me of the early days that we shared.

As Kara gets engaged and prepares for this future, with her mind and heart set on a NEW life, I'm rushed in a wave of emotion back to an old life. I can't help but watch my best friend get engaged not through the eyes of the woman I am today (who is, I'll admit, slightly jaded and stubborn and NOT taken aback by things) but through the eyes of that child, who watches with disbelief, joy, amazement, pride, and a little bit of sadness.

Every day that we played together as children, I watched her skip joyfully back through the woods to her house, waving emphatically, whistling, yelling, "SEE YOU LATER!"

And today, I watch her walking into marriage, hand-in-hand with a great man, and it's a similar feeling. I feel love. I feel sadness. I feel care and concern. I feel admiration. I feel pride. And most of all, I feel so incredibly lucky to know her.

I love you forever, Kar! Backwards forever and forwards forever. And as we continue our lives, feeling constantly propelled closer to eternity, I will ALWAYS think of you as a best friend - a faithful, beautiful glimpse to me of the God who made us both. Friend, you are beautiful, lovely, and true. Miguel is lucky to have you for a best friend, THIS I know.

Sarah Kane's Year In Review

Well, it's been quite a number of days since I sat down here to write, and that's not a bad thing - I've been a busy woman!

However, I don't want to let this blahg slip since it was, after all, my 2016 New Year's Resolution. I wanted to consistently write, no matter who read it or what they thought of it. And I've reached that goal, with over 100 blahg posts. The best part is that many of you have become my consistent readers, and I've truly enjoyed the feedback and support I've received.

This little corner of the internet has made me very happy, and I can't believe the year is already drawing to a close! So much has happened! Since January 1st, the day I began this blog, I have...

...Experienced death of someone far too young. Watched my Aunts and Uncles cry, stood in a silent, empty hospital room tucked quietly in the bustling streets of a city that holds a heritage I have yet to experience...

...Traveled to military bases, turned wrenches, worked with my hands, made the most of my semester off from school by building physical and mental muscle with my dad and his crew...

...Joined a wonderful group of women to explore our stories, to write and share and journey together for a number of precious, soul-nourishing Tuesday nights...

...Left Asheville to spend my summer in the mountains of Cherokee with hundreds of children, teaching and singing and crafting and growing and smiling more than I ever have before...

...Returned home to embrace education, studies, and books...

...Spent many nights in the wild and honest company of friends, playing cards and dice, driving to starry lookouts, lying in my bed and whispering our hearts out...

...Made a bold leap of faith into a world of brutal honesty, came forward into the light with my story of abuse and heartbreak. I ended up recieving affirmation in the most unexpected ways possible, by being believed, by having action taken on my part, by being flanked on both sides by powerful people who chose to take my word over the word of a 35 year old man...

...Found a family through my job at the Y...

...Discovered my heart is perhaps ready to move on, as it tredpidly tests the waters of a new relationship with hope and anticipation...

...Brought the semester to a strong close, fueling myself for another upcoming year of Hard Work and Much Learning...

...Turned 21, breaching a "Change Year" in my life, marking the start of a new leaf in the book of myself, a book I'm constanty writing, reading, and re-writing as I go...


All these things and many more have made my year a vibrant, active one. There are hundreds of people who have crossed my path. Friends old and new. There are books I read, songs I cried to, hard things I am proud to say I accomplished (from a Vivaldi Concerto to my "B" in Accounting).

And, I've written about most of it.

Of course, no one can see my year in reverse in as bright colors as I can, but I've enjoyed giving you a glimpse into this little life. It's been a wonderful year! And 2017 already holds the promise of life, love, hard work, many words, travels, newness... and I hope very much to write about it in an even better, more honest way.

*Cheers*