Choose Your Pain

Yesterday, whilst seated upon the familiar blue couch of my counselor's office, I had what you might call an epiphany.

While I was whining about problems I'd created for myself on the battlefield of love, life, and academics (*terrified gasp*) my counselor said something VERY counselor-y.

"You know, Sarah..." He shifted tentatively in his squeaky-springed chair. "I think, maybe, you're bad at choosing your pain."

"Whaddaya mean?!" I eyed him begrudgingly.

"Pain is, well, inevitable."

I blinked. "Great. Thanks."

"No, really, it is..." He adjusted his wire rimmed glasses and observed me, surely his favorite hot-mess-Monday client, and smiled. "You're often forced in life to choose between two kinds of pain. Some pains are better than others. Think about."

Okay, so, that's true. We pay with pain to avoid greater pain--

We go to our job every day even when we don't want to (PAIN) to avoid being unemployed and potentially homeless and destitute (WORSE PAIN).

We pay hard work (PAIN) to avoid failing all our classes (WORSE PAIN).

We are honest with those we love (PAIN PAIN PAIN!) to avoid heart-wrenching situations down the road (WORSERERER PAIN).

So, really-

It's all a great trade-off of pain.

"So, with your friends," my counselor continued. "With this guy, with your parents, with your schoolwork, with YOURSELF..."

"I need to choose my pain wisely," I finished.

I do.

We all do!

We need to have a healthy perspective on the kinds of pain that we need, and the kinds that are worth paying off in advance.

Here is a handy list I've made for you of things that may cause a kind of pain that is WORTHWHILE:

-Being HONEST
-Writing that paper that will help you pass that class
-Listening to your parents' advice
-Reading my blog
-cooking healthy balanced meals
-Exercising every now and then
-Not screwing around with people who won't be there a year from now
-finishing college
-going to work
-washing your pillowcases more often
-being real with yourself

And, likewise, here is a handy list of things that cause a kind of pain that SUCKS (SO DON'T DO THESE THINGS):

-Being fake
-Dating someone just because you're lonely and needy (*laughs nervously*)
-Forcing yourself to stay in a major/career/situation you detest because of fear
-Letting people walk all over you
-Not reading my blog
-LYING TO YOURSELF
-LYING TO OTHERS
-DON'T LIE

So, yeah...

Guys, there are things that are hard. Honesty. Schoolwork. Being genuine. Doing what's right. Staying strong in the face of adversity. Being the bigger person.

Those things may hurt.

But really... not doing them? Well. That'll hurt more, and maybe we should all stop lying to ourselves about that fact and just buckle down and choose our pain WISELY! Or pain will choose YOU.

Be careful out there, folks... *closes door slowly* until next time.

this is the part that is up to you.

     People have stories,
     people are stories.

We don't create (all of) our stories,
and they don't create (all of) us.

Our stories exist in us
and we exist in them

     Which means there are no horrible people,
just horrible stories that people are trapped in.

     So don't hate anybody.

Because our stories all start the same way
     (We are born)
And our stories all end the same way
     (We die)
And that is the best, worst, and truest part of us all.
     that we are all the same.

     we are all the same.
     but we are not all the same way.
                   some of us are tragedies
                   some of us are mysteries
                   some of us are love stories

this is the part that is up to you.
       
We are beautiful not because of
     But despite our stories.

     What happens to you is just what happens to you.

     What happens to you is not your story,
          you are your story.

this is the part that is up to you,
     this the part that is you.
       

The Concert I Barely Remember

Last week I had the honor and privilege of joining three sweet friends (one old but rekindled, one new-ish but supah tight, and one super-new and absolutely delightful) for the trip of a lifetime....TO, DRUM ROLL PLEASE:

Charlotte. *woo hoo* *blows party horn*

Now, we've had this little excursion planned for a while, so when I awoke the morning of the concert with a headache, sore throat, and very distressed sinus system, I did what any normal, smart person would do. 

I WENT ANYWAY!

We embarked early evening and arrived at dinner time. Charlotte is beautiful, and I'd forgotten what a sucker I am for tall buildings. (Gosh, I just love tall buildings! *squeal*)

Our dinner was lovely, simple, and for me, very painful to swallow. But you know, concerts man. I paid too much to miss this. I thought, "pop some pills and deal with it, Sarah." So I did. 

The show began with not one but two pat downs (great) and some contraband water that I had to pretend was vodka (the bartender stuck a lime on it and literally said "shhhh") since the bars aren't allowed to give out free water. Just another sign our country is headed downhill. *shakes head*

So, we established ourselves in the middle of the floor and set up camp for the night. And by set up camp I mean we looked at each other awkwardly for about an hour. 

Finally, the show began, and well, it was great. The parts I can remember. The darkness, the flashing lights, and the ukelele all mixed very well with my Sudafed, and I found myself zoning out in trances only to come back to reality to realize EVERYTHING HAD CHANGED. (songs, outfits, my pain level... you know.)

I slowly descended into "the beginning of the end" which for me is being freezing cold in a crowd of 200 tightly packed sweaty people. Then, the short term memory loss. Then, the bad mood. Eventually, total apathy to anything ever. 

I ended up bailing from our six-square inches early and went and sat in a corner. One of my friends came with me, god bless him. I may have taken a 30 second nap.... over and over again. And then I had to pee in the mens room because the ladies' was just too far away*, gosh dang it. (I asked a nice security guard to keep watch for me, and then I asked her if my nose looked really red. She said it looked "um, fine" then looked suspiciously at the black "X" on my hand.)

Eventually, we wandered outside for fresh air (my friend and I, not the security guard, though she was an absolute gem) and I enjoyed conversation and clarity of mind that only Sudafed can provide.

In the blink of an eye we were headed home, all bundled up in the car, the people in the backseat contorting their bodies in impossible ways so I could roll my seat back and feel utterly pathetic.

It was miserable really fun.

Throughout the ride, I zoned in and out of medicated reality, but through the strange state of mind that I later discovered was from a 102 degree fever, one thought was clear: I have a great life.

I have loving friends**, I have a lot of fun. I have music. Laughter. Tall buildings. A bad-ass leather jacket***.

Life is, well, pretty plummy.

*coughs up a lung*

Just thought I'd let you all know, I'm having a good time, and it's a great day to be Sarah Kane.

           ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

footnotes:

*about twelve feet away. Yeah. It was rough.
**I lovveee youuuu, friends.... I really love you... (*cries a little*)
***but seriously the leather jacket will get its own post soon.

The Single Girl Ain't Sad

The single girl. 

We all know her.

We all love her.

We sometimes might even be her. *cough*

But do we UNDERSTAND HER???

HONEYYYYY NO! No we don't! The single girl is freakin' marginalized, man. It's a cryin' shame. The Utterly Misunderstood Single Girl is a book we ALL need to read, once I've written it, which won't take very long, because I'm SINGLE and therefore I have TIME to throw myself into my creative pursuits! *bursts into tears*

Which brings us to Reasons Single Girls Ain't Sad NUMBER ONE....homegirls got TIME!!!

     TIME.

     Dear family, friends, and homies: I'd like to start off by saying we do *not* have MORE time than anybody else, we just have more OPTIONS for what to do with those precious minutes. Boyfriends are an investment with very pleasing dividends (you give them your time, they buy you food** and sparkly things***), but honestly there are better things you could be working on, like maybe a novel, a pretty painting, a BACHELOR'S DEGREE, even a giant paper-mache man that you can bring with you to social events.

     MONEY.

     Beloved Readers, the amount of money I spent driving to and from A FREAKIN' MAN in my earlier years appalls me now. You know what those dimes could have bought me? Probably a coffee. Maybe a pack of gum. Honestly, my 401K has really suffered... BUT NOT ANYMORE! I now choose to squander my precious dollah signs on, well, whatever I want. Simon and Garfunkel Posters, copies of Good Housekeeping from 1978... you know. The important stuff.

     FREEDOM OF SPEECH, AND WELL, EVERYTHING ELSE.

     I used to have to, you know, "watch my mouth" around my ex-boyfriend. He got so irritated when all I ever did was complain and be utterly negative about my life! I have no idea why he was so freakin' sensitive... anyway, now I can rant, rave, ramble, and even swear. Because there ain't NOBODY listening, honey boo boo, nobody. *glances around empty room* And yeah I can also eat what I want, sleep how I want, do what I want, sob hysterically from loneliness whenever I want... it's great. Yeah. Super great.

     FRIENDSHIP.

     Before you jump to any conclusions that all my friends are single people too, let me just tell you: THEY ARE. Because we are all just really good at being friends. *tear slides down cheek* Honestly, I'm friends with single people because people in relationships always say annoying things like "sorry I can't hang out with you four days in a row, I need to spend time with SO-AND-SO." Pshhh. PSHH. Come on. I can't emotionally over-invest in people that have committed relationships because they have boundaries. HEH! Laaaaaame. They're missing out on this hot mess of emotional co-dependency! YOUR LOSS NOT-SINGLE PEOPLE, your loss****.

     YOUR ENTIRE SELF.

     Homegirl, you know what's better and/or more precious than all those things listed up yonder?

     Youuuu.

     And when you're single, you get to spend a lot of time with you yourself and you. It can lead to a lot. Epiphanies. Crises. Breakthroughs. Breakdowns. Meltdowns. Upswings. New starts.

     And it's okay. Because you can't break up with yourself, and if there's anyone who knows you well enough to carry you through the journey of being you, it's... you. *sniff*
 
     So please. Enjoy yourself. The day will come when you have to share yourself with another person, probably for the rest of your life, and probably when you don't always want to. So while you have this precious alone-time, make the most of it. Treat yourself. Challenge yourself. Humble yourself. AND PUMP YO-SELF UP BECAUSE GIIIIRRRRRRRLLLL, you are fiiine!


footnotes:

**If he doesn't buy you food, well. BREAK UP WITH HIM. BE SINGLE.

***If he doesn't buy you sparkly things, well. BREAK UP WITH HIM. BE SINGLE.

****Just do it already... *whispers maniacally* Breaaakkk uppp withhh himmmm

Make America Fabulous Again!

So Donald Trump is president now and most of you are upset about it. Sorry.

But please stop crying!!!! THERE IS HOPE!!! I called Donald last night and you'll be relieved to hear he has tweaked a lot of stances on things. I've compiled them all for you, along with his quotes on these pressing issues. Here are Donald's 5 Ways To Make America Fabulous Again.

1. Deport Grumpy People

"They're bringing sadness, they're bringing bad attitudes. They're grumpy. They have to go. Send them back to grumpy-town. They're stealing our happiness, they're making us mad, they're all going back to grumpy-town and they can come back when they are ready to put aside their grumpiness and make this country Cheerful Again."

2. Build a Wall . . . OF CHEESE

"And I always say the wall, we’re going to build the wall. It’s going to be a real deal. It’s going to be a real wall. A wall of REAL cheese. None of this fake cheese like in the Lunchables. Real cheese. Cheddar. Provolone. Havarti. All kinds of cheese in this wall, this wall will make America great, because people love cheese. They love it."

3. Replace Welfare Checks with Free Craft Supplies

"They don't need help. They need CRAFTS. Crafts make people happy. They love crafts. They can make crafts, they can sell their crafts, they can eat their crafts. It's a win-win for the American people. Crafts are fabulous."

4. Replace Guns with Marshmallow Shooters

"Frankly everybody should be allowed to use marshmallows, in self-defense of course. Frankly, things in Paris would have been different if they had marshmallows flying in the opposite direction, get me? Guns kill people, and that's a shame. But marshmallows don't kill people. Marshmallows are soft and squishy. Marshmallows are better, much better, and I think everyone should be allowed to use them."

5. Tax Cuts for Beautiful People

"Beautiful people don't get a break in this country. There's women walking around who are absolutely a ten, absolutely, and they're paying more in taxes than someone who's a four. I think that's ridiculous. Beautiful people need money to maintain themselves. Plastic surgery, extensions, implants, all very important and these poor beautiful people deserve to use their hard-earned money to help better themselves. I will cut taxes for the beautiful people. The beautiful people deserve nothing less."

And so, I think you'll see that Donald's UPDATED plan is actually... kind of pretty okay! AMERICA IS GOING TO BE FINE! Calm down and let this man do his work! We will have cheese walls, crafts, more beautiful people, less gun violence, no more grumpy people.... and that's the America *I* want to be part of. 

DISCLAIMERTHISISNOTMEANTOINANYWAYSUPPORTANYPOLITICALSTANCEWHATSOEVER. THANKYOUANDGOODNIGHT.

Let's Get Intimate, Woo Hoo

Google "intimacy".

But don't actually, because I'm going to tell you everything you need to know. *wiggles eyebrows*

When you look up intimacy, you'll get 28361280196318097 results that are all about intimacy... with people. Usually romantic partners. Go figure. *throws papers everywhere* We get it, we get it, relationships are great. #singleandbitter

But however you describe the term, whether it's as "close familiarity or friendship"" or "closeness of observation; familiarity with a subject" I think it's something we alllll neeeeeeed. Because we were made for it, we are GOOD at it. And we SHOULD do it/get it/feel it.

But where we find it varies.

Sometimes you find it with people, but I don't think you always have to. It feels great to know someone closely; bonding is nice. But. People also kinda suck a little bit! *shrugs* So like... can we not?!?!?

How about that second definition. You know, "closeness of observation"? Woah yeah woah what about that?! You know what THAT sounds like?

The Scientific Method?! Stalking? 

No and NO.

PAUSE!

I have a theory I'd like to share. Now don't get me wrong. I ain't no professional. I don't even have a bachelor's degree. *laughs nervously* But what I do have is this THEORY, this theory that we are naturally built to be creatures who show intimacy in a variety of areas. In our relationships, in our connection to nature, in our ART and WORK and PASSIONS!

Think about it... all the best things in life are somehow fostered into a good thing by intimacy.

People use intimacy with each other to grow loving relationships.

An artist uses intimacy with his craft to make it more beautiful. 

A scientist uses intimate observations to learn and discover.

All these things are structured around an idea of intentional, valuable intimacy experience of some kind. Whether it's sex in a relationship or hard work in research or even just repetitive practice at an art form, intimacy makes things better.

So.

I'd argue that where you pursue intimacy (with a person, place, or thing) is where your life is the best.

So, yeah, now that that's out there. Back to my question about what "closeness of observation" sounds like to me. (Cuz it's all about me right?!)

It sounds like... mindfulness. *birds chirping in the background*

Yeah... mindfulness.

That thing I do in therapy where I clear my brain of chaos and strife and become one with my surroundings?! YES SARAH, YES!

We expect artists and scientists and lovers to all practice intimacy in order to succeed at whatever they're up to. But when do we ever take the time to foster intimacy with something much more BASIC and also more CRUCIAL than any of those things? Do we EVER?!

Nah bitch! WE DON'T!

We are carried through life by a whirlwind of external forces, emotions, words, events, and messages. And we experience it all at a surface level. Is it possible we are always "just skating by" in work and school and maybe even relationships?

I think we have lost the art of intimacy. We have lost the art of throwing our consciousness into a practiced, intentional awareness of OUR OWN LIFE. Our own being. Our own breathing. Our own mental patterns. So, how can we expect that part of our life to show the beautiful fruits we see from art and science and love?

We can't. Not until we take the time to re-learn intimacy, and specifically, intimacy with our own being, and the environment around us. And to do this takes a LOT of work. I've been practicing for weeks and I'm just now starting to see the WONDROUS BENEFITS. *ooooohhh ahhhhh*

All this to say, guys.... gosh, what even am I trying to say.... HERE'S SOME BULLET POINTS

-intimacy makes us feel good
-we were made to do it
-it's not just sex ok
-mindfulness is good
-maybe get therapy?!
-again intimacy is a good practice
-so yeah mindfulness
-mindfulness

So try it. Do it. Get it. Feel it. Practice it.

Mindfulness guys, it's great.

Intimacy, man, I'm learning how to do it.

I Can Survive a Bad Week, Canoe? (HAAAAAAA)

Well guys,

LIFE GOT CRAZY FOR A WHILE THERE. Last week was a low point. *laughs nervously*

Some changes were made in my life, changes that have been a long time coming and were so nervewracking they sent me into an emotional frenzy that hijacked any chance of having a normal week despite the chaos.

But I would like to point out that despite the fact that last week I spent three hours in crisis counseling, slept a night in my car, and burst into tears in my accounting class...

I'm still smiling. (Except when I'm not.)

Crisis mode can actually carry us. I picture myself in a little canoe in the middle of dark, frenzied ocean. During crisis mode, I don't even try to paddle anywhere. I hang tight, maybe curl up in the fetal position, and wait it out.

It was a rough storm, and I'm relieved it's over because being stuck in a canoe in the middle of the ocean sucks (what is Sarah talking about??).

But now the gusts have settled, and the water is still. It's time to move this little boat. And that's gonna be work. Because that storm moved me off track. And this damn paddle isn't very good. But, we're moving, rolling, rolling on the riiiiiivvvvEEEeeeeerrrrr.

Sorry.

Anyway,

HERE WE GO! Onward, back into normalcy, back into calm quiet days spent working towards the important things (school, friends, not-getting-fired...).

I'll see ya guys on the other side. *starts paddling fervently*