Things You Shouldn't Hate Yourself For Doing (But Probs Do)

1. Missing Someone Who Treated You Badly

Stockholm syndrome. IT IS TERRIBLE! Trust me. I sobbed my eyes out on my drive home tonight over this very thing. It hurts - badly - to miss someone who was never good for you in the first place. Because one, you just miss them. And two, you hate (despise, detest, abhor) that you miss them. It's one of the most confusing, disturbing emotions I've ever experienced. And it's EASY to beat yourself up over this. DON'T. Missing someone and having lingering feelings of need and attachment after the end of a relationship show that YOU ARE NORMAL and that you are experiencing loss in a healthy way. Your heart hurts; your heart works.

2. Feeling Like a Fraud

TBH, I'm starting to think that deep down, we all feel like a fraud. Maybe we are all just faking it til we make it, yeah? Who knows. I often look on at other people and assume they have some sort of simple, understandable coherency between the person they are in our interactions and who they are in the rest of their lives. NOT SO! We ALL have a face we present. If we're all frauds, are any of us frauds?! Wouldn't fraudy-ness just become a genuine part of our human lives? HMM? Feeling like a fraud is easy when you assume other people are as happy, organized, put together etc. as they present themselves to be. But remember: you probably seem that way to them too, and I like to think that when I leave my friends they say "Damn. Sarah's great. I wish I was as great as Sarah." (It could happen.)

3. Over-Investing In People

Is there a person you will drop everything for? Yes. Her/his face just instantly appeared in your mind with a halo over it, I bet. Well, I have a few of those people too. People I love sooooo much that I will sit by my phone, move other plans, blah blah blah just to see them. Would they do the same for me? HECK NO! Yet, I let them influence my plans and my hopes. But you know, screw it. I'm still gonna get excited when those people call me because I like those people, and I'll chock it up to a shopping spree of emotions spent on metaphorical shirts that will shrink in the wash and shoes I can't walk in. Sometimes you need to spend that love anyways even if the person sucks. (Convincing myself here. Reaaaalllly convincing myself.)

4. Being A Grumpy Old Cynic

I can be very, very cynical. People who are perpetually happy and contented SCARE me. They're nice to be around for a while, but then I'm like "ok real talk, we hate everyone, right? People are all out to get us, right? The system is rigged and everything is a conspiracy, right?" And I expect my true kindred spirits to agree with those statements. I've decided I need to just embrace this dark part of my personality and use it to my advantage! Assuming the worst doesn't necessarily mean EXPECTING the worst, it just means you're prepared for it. And being a grumpy old cynic doesn't mean you can't have a shiny little optimist side to you, too. Trust me. Those two things can, oddly enough, co-exist - which brings me to my final point.

5. Feeling Discontent

I beat myself up over having idealistic, unrealistic visions for my life. But I should cut myself a break. First of all, it's nice to have a mental escape from the harsh realities of life. We all have them. And second of all, the reason I tend to stop myself in the middle of a daydream about a better life is because, to be honest, I'm not sure I deserve that better life! BUT I DO! And it's OKAY to be discontent with your life, no matter how much people tell you to chill and be grateful. I'm not sure where I got this idea from that wanting more from life is somehow sinful and against what God wants for me. Personally, I think He made me with a deep desire for a lot of things that simply may never be filled on this earth. I'm no longer trying to force myself into a numb contentedness with life. I'm gonna feel those feels, and remember that I was, in fact, made for something better than all this! *gestures at all the madness around her* AND IT'S OK TO KNOW THAT.

THE END

Asheville, You're A Freak

Usually, when I roam the streets of downtown Asheville in the evening, it’s with friends. (And smartly so.) But tonight, I ambled down the sidewalks with only my computer bag in tow, and I was struck once again by how cliche, annoying, sickeningly trendy unique this town is. It’s almost as if when my guard is up, my eyes are more open, and I notice more interesting aspects of the town. I may let eye-contact with strangers linger a little less, but I’m doubly aware of their gaze when I’m on my own.

And when I’m by myself, my mind is in tune with my surroundings and I find myself asking Asheville: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS.

Asheville, why?! Why the hippie hub. Why the gypsy rest stop. Why so much body odor?! What IS it about this place. In other cities, I worry about being snatched by pimps but in Asheville, I worry about being kidnapped by witches! It’s true. Although realistically, I’m more likely to die from some sort of unique but deadly fungus transmitted to my coffee cup from my un-bathed barista.

Asheville, you’re that weird friend we are all fascinated by, yet always keep our distance from. You smell. You look funny. You sometimes seem a little bogus. But oh, how you interest us with your oddities. Other people talk about you, and we go “OH YEAH! Asheville! I know her! Yeah, she’s weeeeeeeird.”

I waited twenty minutes in a line on the sidewalk to get into The Chocolate Lounge. Then, I paid five dollars for a chai. It was an okay chai. But I’m sure the five-dollar bill, with a little cinnamon on top, would have tasted just as good. I’m not complaining! Really. I’m not.

I paid for more than a chai. I paid for a people watching venue, writing material, and a new perspective on hemp as a clothing medium. This town is crazy. And I won’t end by saying “but it’s my town and I love it.” Because…

I don’t. In fact, I’m a little wigged out by it. And that’s the end of this post because I have to hustle back to my parking garage before it gets dark and the woobly wibbies come out to get me.

MEET CUTE FOR THE AGES: Tushina and Asian-ish Guy

Tonight, on my drive home from my wonderful ladies' group that I go to on Tuesday nights, I was hit with a strange desire to take a detour to a nostalgic haunt on my way home. I went to said nostalgic haunt, parked the car, and cried for a little while with Jars of Clay crooning in the background. What's new. (I cry a lot these days.)

Then I continued on my merry way until, well, a beautiful honey colored dog ran into the road. I almost hit her. AHH DOG QUICK HELP AHH LOST DOG AHH PANIC. I pulled over into a Walgreens parking lot and opened my door. Before I could even whistle, the dog was scrambling into my lap and licking my face. She was a big, scared girl. I somehow finagled her into the back seat of my car and drove to Walmart to buy a collar and leash.

It was obvious she had owners - she was well-fed, her toenails were clipped, her fur was healthy. But with no collar or tags I didn't know where to begin finding her people. So, naturally, I called my mom at 10PM to ask her for help! (Like I always, always do.) She told me where to take the sweet pup to get scanned for a chip, and soon I had "Honey" in the lobby of Reach Animal Hospital in Asheville.

She was chipped! The lady who scanned her soon returned with a piece of paper. "There are six numbers of organizations that MIGHT know who to call to find out WHERE she got chipped at, then those places MIGHT have numbers that MIGHT belong to her owner!" So, lobby lady and I buckled down and started calling the numbers while "Honey" licked my legs and anxiously looked up every time someone came through a door.

Finally, FINALLY, I was on the phone with the owner! Turns out, our sweet pup's name is "Tushina". Hmm. Lobby lady and I questioned that name choice, but when we crooned it to our little rescue, the sweet girl wagged her tail with recognition and soon Tushina and I were back in the car driving to meet her owner.

I pulled into the empty parking lot where the guy on the phone and I had agreed to meet, and lo and behold what did I find parked there but a wee little Subaru, same model as mine, out of which jumped a cute, Asian-ish guy. "Nice car!" he said as I opened my door and let a shaking, excited Tushina out. Owner and dog were reunited with many kisses, while lonely single girl looked on discontentedly. *tear slides down cheek*

"Did you BUY this?" Asian-ish guy said in shock, holding up the Walmart leash. "Oh my! I will reimburse you!" *gleaming smile*

"No, no," lonely single girl said. "You can pay me back on our date later *hair toss* It's totally ok."

"Well, oh my gosh, I really can't thank you enough." Asian-ish guy said.

Lonely single girl just smiled. "You can thank me by taking me on a really fun date! You're welcome."

"Well..." Asian-ish guy awkwarly shuffled his feet.

"So, here's my number, call me sometime and we can take Tushina on a romantic picnic on top of a mountain where we will fall in love. Glad you got your dog back!"

Asian-ish guy reached out awkwardly for a passionate embrace handshake. "Thanks so much."

Lonely Girl shook his wimpy, wimpy hand and then got back in her car.

So, it all came to nothing. Sarah Kane just had the Meet Cute of the CENTURY and it was all for naught. Asian-ish guy returns home to whatever life he has there, and Sarah Kane returns to... well, how do we even sum up her current state of affairs. It is SAD to think of the silly reasons this Meet Cute amounted to nothing....

....Perhaps Asian-ish guy has a surplus of awkward but charming blond girls in his life? Hmm? Perhaps he only dates Asians. Maybe, by chance, he felt threatened by my beauty and class and didn't want to risk rejection. His insecurities must be holding him back. I guess the world will never know.

But, at the end of the day, Tushina is reunited with her man, and Sarah Kane has another Meet Cute to add to her ever growing collection. What more can I ask for?

Parts And Partings

Today was great. It was also bittersweet, because it was my last full day at Moody Air Force Base!

I've been waiting for fifteen years to go on a work trip with my dad, and it did NOT disappoint me. I had a great time with my dad AND his crazy crew. Not to mention the uniformed darlings at the Air Force base! Overall, it was a fantastic week for me. I soaked up new experiences and new environments and new ideas. And boy, it was also just plane fun! (HAH! SEE THAT!? Ouch. That was really terrible, Sarah. Future Sarah, slap me for that one.)

Today things got a little crazy down on the flight line - we removed the tail of the plane. It was entertaining, watching my dad operate various clunky vehicles and trying to coordinate different maneuvers, sometimes while talking on the phone and shouting at people, too! Quite the crowd gathered, and it was a nice time to meet more of the guys on the base.

I'll admit, I kind of had this idea that men and boys in the military were these straightforward, simple guys who were just like "I want to be in the military. So I am." Come to find out, they have lots of very complex stories and journeys that brought them to where they are! I have so enjoyed getting to know these boys. It's helped me get rid of a lot of stereotypes I had about the military (hey, movies are soooooooo inaccurate!) and really opened my eyes to whole new subculture that I think is really interesting and rich - it was so wonderful getting a small glimpse into it this week.

I've always viewed military establishments as a place where people have to sacrifice their individuality for the "common good". I heard more than one person say "the government owns me!" this week. Giving up your individuality is a surprising choice for a young person to make, especially considering our current culture, which I believe has almost an over-emphasis on "self" and "self-love" and "self-discovery". It's to the point where there's an immense pressure to completely understand, accept, and find fulfillment in yourself, and I don't think we can find lasting meaning in our lives merely from "self". We need purpose apart from ourselves to pursue.

But, likewise, I also find it hard to fathom giving up all my autonomy for an establishment. Sacrificing my comfort and well-being for the masses, that kind of thing. It's a foreign idea to me, as I've been so soaked in a culture of "self". That and, well, I don't believe it's human nature to be like "Oh! I'm gonna suffer for the sake of someone else, SOUNDS GREAT!"

But, after a mere week at a military base I'm obviously an expert (lol jk still know NOTHING, probably!) and I think there's a very complex balance going on. Yes, there's a large loss of individuality, but at the end of the day, the establishment is STILL made up of individuals, and the responsibility of these individuals is so huge. One person has the power to abuse their privileges and wreak havoc on the entire system. It's intense. And it should almost push the person more deeply into their sense of self because something so much bigger than themselves is depending on them. (Anyway - I'll keep formulating some deep thoughts on this that I'll probably never share due to my extreme inability to follow through with things.)

So, today we said our first round of goodbyes to our boys who worked in the afternoons, and oh, it was sad. TBH, I'm suppppperrrrr sad to be leaving Moody! It was a formative experience I'll never forget! But, I still have the first part of tomorrow to soak up the sounds, sights, and smells of this place that has been more educational than college and more fun than summer camp. It's pretty crazy.

*yawn*

Sleep tight, Valdosta.

MY FIRSTBORN AIRPLANE PART!

So, most things haven't changed since my last post - I'm still having a great time, still making friends, and still, well - single.

BUT, one thing HAS changed - I took my first part off the plane today.

What? Sarah freakin' Kane, you'e out there at the base doing a tear-down and you haven't yet taken a part off the plane?

Yeah. I hadn't. But then Joe (congrats on your first royalty, Joe) called me over to the side of the plane to help me take my very first part off. *tear slides down cheek* I held the screwdriver on the bolt on the outside of the plane, and then I... well I didn't do anything else. I just stood there holding it while Joe did something magical on the inside of the plane. Now don't think standing there holding a screwdriver is easy. Okay. It's sort of easy. But it still required muscle and oh boy, good thing I was wearing short sleeves today because those lil' biceps were out to play. *wiggles eyebrows*

So, after an agonizing minute of exerting what little arm strength I have, I heard a pop from the side of the plane and out from under that giant grey belly a beautiful little piece of metal fell into Joe's hands. Yes. He caught my first-born airplane part and handed it to me. I held that little slippery piece of... whatever it was... valves and such... and I think I finally understand how women feel when the doctor hands them their child. Ahh, it was def a precious moment.

So, I carried my labor of love back to the trailer where we do inventory, and I lovingly wrapped him in bubble wrap and put him in a box. It's hard knowing I have to give him up. Not gonna lie. I felt a pang of guilt leaving little buddy there when we left the base, all alone in the dark trailer with the other parts, who maybe weren't brought into the world in such a gentle manner and could be a bit rough around the edges.  I hope he doesn't get bullied by a malicious cooling pack! *sob* But, that's the nature of this field I suppose. You can't get too attached.

Here's a picture of little buddy. I would have gotten a picture of me holding him lovingly but sometimes it's better to just enjoy the moment.

THE RED LINE: Don't. Cross. It.

We arrived late last night in the quaint Georgian town of Valdosta. After nearly an hour of driving around hoping a hotel would make itself known, we finally found a Best Western and set up camp for night. The vittles of choice happened to be a Waffle House within walking distance. Dinner was, well, atrocious. My meal had to be re-cooked various times for some truly memorable errors, like raw egg chilling on top of my hash browns. YUM! But, finally, we were fed and settled in our rooms for the night, where I slept TERRIBLY due to my father's snoring.

REGARDLESS, I was as excited as a little kid on Christmas Eve, because it was "First Day Of Working With My Dad" Eve!

Finally, the great day dawned - well, technically it hadn't dawned yet since we woke up at an UNGODLY hour (5:30!) - but, for me, the day was as good as signed sealed and delivered, because I got to dress like a MAN! There's something exhilarating about wearing mens' pants. I'm still wearing them now actually, which as most of you know is quite a feat, considering most pants don't make it past the 7 hour mark before they're traded for pajamas, or even better, a bathrobe.

These cargo pants are truly fantastic. I went to put my phone in my pocket and was worried I would never find it again, because the pockets are THAT DEEP. I kept my keys, my phone, AND NOT ONE BUT TWO CHAPSTICKS... all in a single pocket. Later, I kept crackers, cookies, AND A WATER BOTTLE in another one! Life is good, people. Life is good!

So, the pants. Those were great. But let me tell you about my DAY. We got to the base bright and early at 8AM, where I was honestly quite surprised to see sprawling green lawns and cutesy brick buildings! I was expecting something very grey and dreary. But it's quite a cheerful place! I get good vibes here at Moody AFB. Good vibes.

So we went in through the fancy guarded gates and I got a visitor pass made. My picture was TERRIBLE. I look guilty. My smile is out of control. Help. I can never get a good insta photo of this pass, it's just not gonna happen.

But at least I get access to controlled areas on the base, if nothing else! Woot woot.

We headed down to the Flight Line, where I started to learn a LOT about the Air Force. Suddenly my dad bellowed "FAAAHDDD CHEEECCCKK!" and everyone jumped out of the trucks and started feeling up the tires. WELL THEN! I later learned this is a "Foreign Object Damage" check, which is important because those Airmen don't like foreign objects on their Flight Lines... which I was reminded of later as I chased a 100 foot spool of bubble wrap wildly across it (more on that later).

So, we went and checked out the plane. Ah, she's a beaut she is. A massive C-130 Hercules with a shark face painted on her. Poor bird had already had her wings taken, so she looked a little decrepit. Not to mention the innards of the beast were an absolute MESS! I'm no plane expert, but I know an absolute mess when I see one.

My dad and his cronies started wahh-ing about what they were going to do, meanwhile I started scoping out the Airmen for potential mates. Ooh la la! Our sponsor Ryan was charming and polite, but I later found out he was married. I HATE IT WHEN MARRIED GUYS DON'T WEAR THEIR RINGS! It's just not cool. It's like looking at pretzels in a store case and then realizing it's for display only and they're plastic. Ugh.

So, Ryan is off the table, but it's okay, because there are plenty more hunks! (I'm not worried.)

But, pshh, I didn't come here just for the cute men in uniform, right!? *wink* I came to work. And work I did! As greasy metal plane parts piled up around me, I wrote tags for them all, bubble wrapped them, and kept a detailed list on a notepad! So professional! We broke for lunch and went into this little "shopping center" place in the base (seriously this base has everything. EVEN A WATER PARK) and had veggie burgers. It was better than Waffle House, that's all I'm gonna say.

After lunch, I continued my tagging and bubble-wrapping, noting a delightful breeze in the air! Refreshing! Then I turned around for more bubble wrap after a period of distraction, and lo and behold, my gigantic spool of bubble wrap, the size of a semi-truck tire, was GONE. But obviously it's not hard to miss a gigantic spool of bubble wrap hurtling through the wind, and I soon located it, too far away - I mean MUCH too far away - for comfort. I called for my dad and fell witness to one of the more, well, serious facial expressions I've ever seen on him. "GO GET IT" were his exact words I believe, and I ran after the bubble wrap, trying to corral it in the most discreet way possible. I know people saw me. I know.

Later, I almost accidentally crossed a giant red line that said "WARNING! DO NOT CROSS!" and basically said weapons could be involved if I didn't listen?! What?! It's like the military here or something... anyway, I almost crossed the red line, but again, the seriousness of my father saved me from a sad fate of death.

Oh well. At least I know what line to cross if I just can't handle this job anymore.

Adventures in Valdosta: This Is Where I Am

I've been begging my dad to take me on a business trip with him since I was six or seven years old.

Here we are, a decade and a half later, and I'm finally going! Now, it's not to Indonesia or Tokyo or Spain (some of the places I've REALLY wanted to go with him!) but it's at least in a different state. Georgia, in fact. Right at the tippy lil edge of the Florida line.  It's supposed to be in the 80s and 90s while we are there - exotic in comparison to Asheville, for sure.

Currently, I'm sitting in one of the three gigantic trucks that make our convoy. I've got a mildly disgusting plastic cup of coffee beside me and I'm waiting, patiently, while the men walk around pointing at various obscure metal structures and debating their use on the expedition.

I'm excited to get "away" from home for a few days - and to have new experiences. We will be working on a military base (Moody AFB) tearing down a retired plane and using it to build an aircraft trainer. I've never been to an Air Force base before, so it will be really cool to see one (and get a clearance badge! Hehe).

This morning I was pondering on how funny life is, and how we don't always get what we want, but we end up getting things we really need from the situations that make us the most discontent and disappointed. This year, I've suffered a tremendous loss - pretty much my entire life - my relationship, my college, my friends, and other things... Yet, if I was still at Agnes Scott living that life I thought I wanted, I would have missed out on some amazing experiences this year. Reconnecting with some people that are now my best friends... Spending time with my parents... Watching my sister mature... Traveling with my dad... Even just taking the time to start this blog. There's no way I could have written like I have on here back when I was dealing so much internal gunk.

First, taking the bold step to come clean about my life, and second, taking the TIME I need to heal - both have proved to be the right choices for me, even though I've had to sacrifice a few things I thought I really truly needed. Turns out, I don't need those things. What I need is what I have. Thanks, Life. In a Ted Talk I was listening to yesterday, a speaker said "when you ask life for patience, you don't get patience. You get a line at the bank."

Life really does present us with the challenges we need to develop the qualities we want. It's hard work, but most of the time, our situations provide us with the perfect platform to start developing in a direction we want to.

This year off from school has taught me some things I never really HAD to learn before:
-how to have an identity solely in myself and not other people
-how to be quiet and still without work, friends, or even thoughts
-the importance of honesty
-how to be creative in filling your time
-perspective is reality
-how to see through fake people
-how to learn and grow in my interests WITHOUT school
-self-doubt is my personal demon and own worst enemy

All realizations that really, truly, have made me a better and neater person - and all things that I didn't realize feel confident in until this year off forced me to re-evaluate.

So, anyway, I sit here in the giant truck and wait on my dad to clamber into the driver's seat, turn on Madonna, and start driving me to Valdosta! And life is good.

My Week: Hour By Hour

This was a pretty terrifying little project I did.

I broke down my week by hours. You see, people are always saying "I don't have tiiiiiime" for this or that, but what they're really saying is "I have the time but I'd rather spend it on... something else".

Well, knowledge is power, and I want to know *exactly* where I'm spending my hours. So, I got out my calculator.

7 days x 24 hours = 168 hours per week. Sounds like a lot of hours, I guess. (?)

Now, I'm an "8 to 9 hours of sleep a night" person. So that takes away between 56 and 63 hours a week. We'll average at 60. (During the school year, this number WILL decrease!)

Work is about 50 hours, currently, between my various occupations. Including commute time, though, it goes up to about 54.

I kept track of meals, and I only spend about 1 hour a day eating! Shocking, I know.

Then there's the whole... "getting ready" thing. I spent about a half-hour to an hour getting ready in the morning, and it's about the same for my wind-down routine at night, which consists of brushing my teeth, scrubbing off mascara, and probably falling asleep in the bathtub. So, we'll just round up to about 2 hours a day for "essential routine activity".

There are a few other scheduled things that take time out of my week - a weekly ladies' group I have takes up about 3 hours including commute, writing on my blog each week is about two hours (on average), and... well... those are all I can think of right now.

SO. Eating, sleeping, driving, working, writing, and beautifying all take up about 122 hours!

That leaves me with the cracks - 46 hours!

I spent 46 hours this week on things that I can't even remember. A lot of Netflix, bumming around, walking through Target for the heck of it, maybe playing with my dog, but probably mostly scrolling through some internet world or another.

I HAVE A FULL TIME JOB (WITH. OVERTIME.) IN WASTING TIME!

Gap time, I've started to think of it as. It's as if I have 46 hours of "loose change" from the other ways I spend time, but UNLIKE money, loose time doesn't add up in a corner for you to combine and spend later. IT DISAPPEARS! Immediately! Unless you use it the moment it's presented to you.

So - gap time. Those 5 or 6 hours I have after work, those few hours in the morning, even those 20 minutes between jobs... what am I spending that precious currency on?

Sometimes, yes, I'll spend allllll the rest of my loose change from a day on an evening with friends. I'll use it to tidy up. To work on projects (like my wardrobe project, which, by the way, is going SO WELL!). Sometimes, it's very valuable to spend my time in conversation or just resting on my porch, depending on what I need that day for my own sanity.

But oftentimes, I'm wasting it. I did *NOT* break down the amount of time I spend on (cue horror movie soundtrack) SOCIAL MEDIA but GOLLY I bet it's a frightening amount.

See, folks, Sarah Kane has had a rude awakening that THIS (by this, I mean, THIS! *spreads arms to encompass her surroundings*) is my LIFE! THIS RIGHT NOW! ME RIGHT NOW!

When I was 14 I had these nice little images of myself when I was 21: a classy, energetic lady tearing through college and saving her money and reading a lot of good books and practicing piano daily and using a great vocabulary and probably finishing the next great American novel and also supporting 3 Compassion kids! All while looking incredible in a tailored jacket and balayage highlights. (Duh.)

Well. That girl... doesn't exist. YET. While I do think I'm well on my way to being someone my 14 year old self is proud of, I'm definitely not there yet. And the point of this post is not to complain, whine, or be derogatory towards myself - of course I'm never going to look, act, or be as "perfect" in reality as I fantasize. And this isn't a post that says "I suck and need to change!" because self-loathing is definitely not in season.

But.

Friendly reminder to self: the person I am is a product of how I spend my time - and I want to keep growing into this lovely person I think I can be! That means I have to be a bit of a tight-spender when it comes to my time, because the older I get, the easier it is for me to get lost in a "life routine" and lose track of that loose change, and that loose change can prove to be the most valuable when it comes to investing in my future self.

This coming week, I'm going to be a more conscious time-spender. I've started carrying a book in my purse, and reaching for that instead of social media as a way to fill those little loose dimes of time. I've started calling friends in the evenings instead of watching their lives through a screen. Because really, ultimately, those 60 hours I spend sleeping and 40 hours I spend working AREN'T what make my life my life. Everyone does "life": working, sleeping, eating... It's what I do in my unstructured time that determines how I choose to live.

Capsule Wardrobe Part 2: The Purge

Well, so far this whole "cleaning out my closet and switching to a minimalist wardrobe in order to simplify my life and improve my mental health" thing is going, hmm, OKAY!

I haven't cried... not over the clothes, anyway. If you saw me sobbing in the middle of a pile of shirts it's probably because I was listening to Carly Simon sing about Jesse, not because I had to get rid of the shirts.

Honestly, it's felt SO good letting go of these clothes. I'm gonna be honest... what I have left in my closet right now is *SHOCKING*. There's hardly anything there. And it's because I'm still in the purge phase, and I have *barely* started to buy my "staple" items for the closet. So right now, I've got a nearly empty closet, and a HUGE list of items I want to get.

Does it make no sense to you that I'm getting rid of a bunch of clothes, yet I'm still going out and buying more? The process can be a little backwards at first. I often buy impulsively, and so my closet has not been filled with a coherent mind considering new purchases in the context of my other clothes - now I'm going to go out and shop for my ENTIRE WARDROBE with the intention that MOST of my pieces will work together.

Neutral pants that fit like a dream, a dark pair, a light pair, a cropped pair - and then a few neutral shirts of various cuts, a few jackets, and some solid, classy shoes - what more does a girl need? If they all go together, it's likely I'll end up with more possible (and good-looking!) outfit combinations than I had when my closet was filled with the thoughtless offspring of many outlet stores.

So, voila, here's what the purge process looked like for me... it took many, many hours, and lots of input from my mom on those "I can't deciiiiiide" pieces. Honestly, though, it felt SO GOOD to chuck most of this stuff!

From the monstrous clothes monster to a nice little farm of fabric piles.

I piled all clothes by type ("shirt" "skirts" etc.) and then pared down to my favorite few of each!

I later decided to part with this delightful pink purse... 

Slowly my "get rid of" pile grew....

.....and grew.....

And then finally, I put back in the close my few staple pieces that I wanted to keep.

I wasn't left with much, but it's all the cream of the crop!

My next step is to start the process of hunting for those classic items I still need - youuu know, like pants (literally only kept two pairs of pants and one of them I got chocolate on tonight. Grr!) Stay tuned for my next installment, hopefully I find some cute stuff to help beef my closet back up after this little crash diet! 

Capsule Wardrobe Part 1: Getting Started

Let me just say - I've never been "super into" clothes. I've always enjoyed finding cute stuff that makes me feel like a hottie, but I've never really followed trends or had a certain fetish for any kind of clothing (hats, shoes, etc). So I never really thought of myself as having a "clothes problem".

HOWEVER.

What I DO have is an uncanny ability to hold onto clothing for years, and I'm quickly approaching the age where I can even say decades.

I... may.... be a bit... of a hoarder. And while every few months I think "WOW! I have too many clothes!" and do a major clear-out, the hefty pile I get rid of always seems to come back rearing a reincarnated head in new Target bags filled with stuff that's "cute" and "on sale".

"CUTE" AND "ON SALE" ARE NO LONGER ADJECTIVES I WANT TO DESCRIBE MY NEW PURCHASES!

The only adjectives that will do, I have decided, are: "classy" "staple item" and "needed for my new capsule wardrobe project"!

For those of you who read my blog and don't know what a capsule wardrobe is, it's a rough guide to having a very basic, pared down closet, with LESS items, but all pieces that work well together and are very wearable and suited to your lifestyle. Really, there's no reason I need more than 8 or 9 outfits - after all, I have a washer and dryer 30 feet away from me as I speak, and really - what am I doing in my life that requires 18 tank tops, 21 tees, 34 different colored cardigans, and 6 dozen different kinds of patterned socks? I need LESS items, but items that work together EASILY!

While I love clothes, and have many cute pieces, I end up wearing the same thing most days! I'm so overwhelmed by the amount of items in my closet that I usually don't even TRY to put together cute, classy outfits. This project of transitioning to a classy, simple, practical closet is one of ways I'm trying to get my act together this year - and I'm hoping that writing about the process on my blog will give me some accountability to follow through!

Here are some before pictures of my closet as I started pulling everything out. In my next post on this topic I'll hopefully share the details of how I sorted everything! That is... IF I get everything sorted! Because right now I'm very overwhelmed. *stares at the piles of clothes on the floor and cries*

I know... it's a wreck. I've got clothes from middle school in there. NO! IT MUST END!

I felt like I was slowly being eaten by a giant clothing monster... *shudder*

Ahhh! A clean canvas for part 2! Stay tuned to see how many tears I cry throughout this process.

Vocabulary: How To Be a Jerk But Sound Classy

Word choice is EVERYTHING when it comes to expressing your ugly opinions while STILL maintaining the impression that you are an intelligent, thoughtful person. I've really enjoyed expanding my vocabulary lately through my reading and writing pursuits, and I've got some real kickers I'd like to share with you.

Here are Sarah Kane's "Classy Alternatives" for derogatory slights.

"You're being dumb fatuous in your decision-making lately."
Additional: obtuse, imbecilic

"He's obviously two timed beguiled you, girl!"
Additional: finessed, bedeviled 

"Why must you be so annoying vexatious?!"
Additional: repugnant, nettlesome

"He's been a total jerk brute to me!"
Additional: oaf, numbskull

"I dated a loser cretin."
Additional: schlemiel, ignoramus

"I'm done with all your BS palaver!"
Additional: puerility, incongruity, flummery

"I'm dealing with some bitterness, hatred and spitefulness rancor."
Additional: enmity, malignancy

"I freakin' hate your guts abhor you."
Additional: abominate, loathe

"That child is a brat minx."
Additional: urchin, hellion, imp

"Why do I always fall for the player rogue?"
Additional: knave, rapscallion, jockey

"That girl! What a b$#@% vamp!"
Additional: termagant, vixen, hell-cat, harpy

"To be honest, my conversations with him are so... boring banal."
Additional: pedestrian, vapid, trite, bromidic

I hope you find a few lackluster places in your conversations to include these updated derogatory descriptions! I assure you, a good vocabulary is a staple in being classy, and of course, being classy is what we strive for here on Blahg. Don't settle for banal interactions when you can create enmity by being a total harpy hell-cat.

The Day I Had An Unstoppably Good Mood!

Yesterday.

That was the day.

Nothing could keep me down!

Despite a late bedtime the night before, I woke bright and early, brushed my hair, and drove (singing all the way) to Starbucks, where I was charged NINE DOLLARS AND TEN CENTS for my coffee and pastry. Even that putrid price could not destroy my good mood. I threw a 20 gleefully at the barista and flirted voraciously for the duration of our interaction.

Then, it was off to the Y, where I sat in the sunny lobby sipping on the most delicious nine dollars of my life and reading a book. HEE HEE! Then, at 8:30, it was into the Y daycare to wrestle with crying children. Even spit-up, snot, and being clobbered with a plastic dump truck didn't get me down!

My shift flew by, and then I went outside and sat in the grass making a flower crown. It was only 40 degrees and my fingers nearly froze off, but who cares! Sarah Kane is in a good mood.

THEN, I went to Target! I bought earrings, throwing more cash gleefully at my cashier and flirting (again!). I got a pastry for a dollar using my receipt from the overpriced purchase of that morning!

NOTHING CAN GET ME DOWN!

In Marshalls, I found an exquisite Estee Lauder travel compact with a million glittery powders in it and my life nearly felt complete! OH FOR THE LOVE OF OUTLET STORES!

Now - the perfection of the day was momentarily threatened when I realized my debit card was missing from my purse and I was, whoops! Out of cash.

BUT THAT'S OKAY!

I merely returned my earrings from Target (and a few other things I'd bought previously, like my new swimsuit) and then that little Estee Lauder jewel was MINE!

THEN, I came home, took a delightfully boiling hot salt bath, and fell asleep. I woke up to Indian food sitting on the kitchen counter. DELICIOUS!

Gosh, my day was so stinkin' good.

I woke up today with a mood hangover. That's what happens to me, when I have too good of a mood one day. The next day, I'm morose and languid. I've texted a million friends with demanding propositions that would make my day better. I made two eggs instead of one. I have a headache.

But it was worth it. Yesterday was a beautiful day in the life of Sarah Kane. Mood swings! The good thing about mood swings is there's always that great high before you crash back down.

"Sarah's Lost In Her Own World Again..." OR My Inadequacy In Pop Culture

An ex boyfriend once said, "Sarah, you're so lost in your own world. I wish we had more interests in common."

You see, it's a big old world up in that brain of mine. It's been a big old world since I was a tiny little human. As a child, I remember spending hours lost in thought. Up in a tree. On a swing. Laying in the pine needles. My brain kept my busy.

I took things into my brain that many of peers at the time were not experiencing in the traditional school system - hours upon hours of classical music, books and books and books all tailored to my interests, and so, so importantly - nature every day. The world that was evolving itself in my mind was so rich and full. I had, I suppose, a very "classical" education filled with assignments like keeping notebooks on various wildlife, memorizing a lot of poetry, learning latin, copying famous artwork, and putting into practice lots of critical thinking! (That was the kicker.) A variety of different authors, artists, historians, and philosophers' ideas swirled around my head at a young age.

It was also just a beautiful world of thrilling stories and moving music and PLAY! I spent hours playing "imagine" with my best friend my little sister. And even on my own I was entertained through my own musical and artistic pursuits. Like I said - my brain kept my busy.

When I went off to college, I realized what a gift this upbringing was to me. I am truly creative, and also perceptive, when a lot of my peers aren't! I can see a huge disparity between me and many college-aged people when it comes to creative thought and creative action! And to have a basic education on the history of the WORLD even seems rare - the ignorance of the students around me astounds me, and upsets me, when I want to share this world of knowledge and idea with someone.

So, yes - I feel blessed to have this rich world in my head filled with stories and history and art and music, but it's also been something that's isolated me. Very few people hear a line of classical music in a commercial and go "VIVALDI! Gosh I just love Vivaldi" or burst into reciting 15 lines of Tennyson because the way the French Broad looked today conjured up The Lady of Shallot. And I miss being able to do that and not get looked at like I'm crazy and detached from reality. I feel very distant from the bubbling pop culture that many of my friends, classmates, and coworkers are a part of, that they all relate to so well with each other. I've been told by multiple boyfriends and friends that I haven't seen enough good movies or read the best book series or listened to the latest and greatest album and that before we can really nerd out together, I need to catch up!

But, at the end of the day, there's nothing more peaceful to me than driving home with Mozart, even if I'm alone in my outdated interests. I have a world of splendors in my heart and mind, and if I'm "lost in my own world", well, it's a pretty good world. I like it here.

How to Have Fun BY YOURSELF!

Today marks the sad anniversary of yet another fun trip with friends I had planned for 2016 that is now dead. #kentuckytrip2016 rests sadly with #eastontrip2016 and #floridatrip2016. In honor of this trip dying, I decided to write this list of fun things to do on your own! By yourself. For your own sake. Alone. No friends necessary.

1. Go to a movie by yourself. Cry loudly.

2. Try frying an egg on the hood of your car. Heck, try toast if you're feeling frisky!

3. Write a vaguely worded confession/apology letter. Go up to someone in public and hand it to them. Walk away somberly.

4. Make a list of your friends and stare at it, remembering fond times when you used to see them before you become a bitter old hermit.

5. Create a subtle a trail of pennies somewhere and then watch excited people find them. Vicariously feel their joy and wonder at having found a tiny piece of metal that is worth practically nothing.

6. Wear a blue polo and pretend to work in Walmart. Go up to every employee you can find and say "John needs you up front right now and it's NOT pretty!" And then leave.

7. Find a really nice blog to read. Reading is so good for you. You can read mine if you want.

8. Do naked yoga in your room and see yourself from a new perspective.

9. Calculate the percentage of your life that is over based on national averages. Be sure to account for variables like smoking, lack of exercise, etc. Fun AND educational! 

10. Write some heartfelt obituaries for your friends because, well, they're dead to you now.

Family: Blood, Water, Wine.

Family is a bigger, more complex concept than I've given it credit for. 

Not so long ago, I looked into the eyes of a person and heard the words "you're my family" echo from his mouth. Well. We all know how that ended. When things DID end, I found out just how thin that water ran, and I had my blood - my parents - to come back to.

But this year, I've seen blood tested as well. I walked with my dad into a house in New Jersey filled with people that supposedly, I am related to. But it's strange to look at cousins that you've barely spoken to and know nothing about and think - we are family. To hold a new baby that shares so many things with me - grandparents, aunts and uncles, a heritage - and feel so oddly disconnected from her life. 

I've been reading a book that, in one of the chapters, has questions to delve into to get you thinking about your life in the context of your family. It asks questions like "what are some of the stories your family tells at reunions?" 

We don't have reunions. In fact, my own immediate family is quite distant from both clusters of relatives. My mother's family lives across an ocean, and there are conflicts and rifts that keep us all from gathering in one room even when we are there. My father's family live on the same side of the pond us as, but there's a deep history of rivalry and distrust that keeps, at least for me, a sizable emotional distance between most of those relatives and myself. 

I think it is very, very odd the amount of weight we give "family". As if it's some redeeming concept that overlooks all issues and keeps people together, somehow, no matter what. But that's obviously not how I've seen it work! Perhaps I'm just disappointed in the amount of brokenness I've watched within every household I've observed. It seems that the concept of "blood" has very little meaning as I watch rivalries between brothers, bitterness between mother and daughter, siblings who don't know each other at all. 

As I'm finding my place in the world, I'm wrestling extremely deeply with the idea of which people I can truly trust...

There's blood, water, and then - there are those people in my life who are like wine. People who bring richness in their friendships, comfort to me in my hard times, and something exciting and filling just by their company. They've proven themselves over time - relationships aging into something even stronger. Water, over time, may sour. Even blood, it seems, may dry up and disappear like dust. I'm searching for people in my life who, by the miracle of Christ's love, are people that, YES - are broken and have the capacity to hurt me - but, when Christ is present, are people I can share my heart and trust with in the knowledge that we, together, are becoming something thicker, richer, and lasting.

But these are all thoughts, which we all know are fickle and untrustworthy. I can think one thing one minute and one thing the next. Intellectual blog posts are all well and good, but this is something I will continue to wrestle with and wonder about long after I've hit the "post" button. 

Courses You REALLY Take in College

Now, school may feel like one big redundant joke all the time sometimes, but there's no denying the fact that there ARE valuable things we learn during our formative college years. I've put together a selection of classes that were a crucial part of my education. If you get a chance to take these classes don't miss out! You will never again have the chance to learn these life lessons for a small fee of several hundreds of tens of thousands of dollars!

First Semester:
ECON 101: Your Debt, Explained!
BIO 210: Nachos, Bloating, Weight Gain
PHIL 134: Mumbo Jumbo Topics for Your Next Family Dinner
GEOM 115: The Spatial Wonders of Cramming All Your Crap in a Dorm Room

Second Semester:
PSYC 200: You Are Depressed 
STATS 111: Graduating in Four Years-- Truth or Myth?
ECON 102: Did You Know It Was Possible To Get Even More Broke
LANG 130: Interpreting Drunk People
HEALTH 101: Lifting Weights Using Mason Jars Filled With Your Tears

Third Semester: 
SOC 315: Sexism and Male Professors
LANG 230: The Art of 'Group Texting' With People Your Grade Depends On
PSYC 300: Coercion Via Free Food and Free T-shirts
STATS 215: Calculating Your Crush's Level of Interest Using Time Gaps Between Texts

Fourth Semester:
SOC 375: Give Up On Your Dreams Because The World Sucks
PSYC 400: Stockholm Syndrome- Why We Stay In College
HEALTH 201: Bloodshot Eyes And Other Fun Things
STATS 300: Hypothesizing Which Friend Will Be The Richest One Day So You Can Marry Him

And well, those are just some of the main courses I've really gotten a lot out of! Gosh, the level of meaningful, enriching academic substance I've gotten in the last two years is so great. I'm so glad I haven't wasted my time, energy, or tears in these classes since they obviously are important to who I am as a pawn of society person. Next semester, I'm looking forward to taking LANG 301: How to Tastefully Tell People They Are Idiots and PSYC 450: Mind Games And the College Male. It's gonna be a great semester!