Make America Fabulous Again!

So Donald Trump is president now and most of you are upset about it. Sorry.

But please stop crying!!!! THERE IS HOPE!!! I called Donald last night and you'll be relieved to hear he has tweaked a lot of stances on things. I've compiled them all for you, along with his quotes on these pressing issues. Here are Donald's 5 Ways To Make America Fabulous Again.

1. Deport Grumpy People

"They're bringing sadness, they're bringing bad attitudes. They're grumpy. They have to go. Send them back to grumpy-town. They're stealing our happiness, they're making us mad, they're all going back to grumpy-town and they can come back when they are ready to put aside their grumpiness and make this country Cheerful Again."

2. Build a Wall . . . OF CHEESE

"And I always say the wall, we’re going to build the wall. It’s going to be a real deal. It’s going to be a real wall. A wall of REAL cheese. None of this fake cheese like in the Lunchables. Real cheese. Cheddar. Provolone. Havarti. All kinds of cheese in this wall, this wall will make America great, because people love cheese. They love it."

3. Replace Welfare Checks with Free Craft Supplies

"They don't need help. They need CRAFTS. Crafts make people happy. They love crafts. They can make crafts, they can sell their crafts, they can eat their crafts. It's a win-win for the American people. Crafts are fabulous."

4. Replace Guns with Marshmallow Shooters

"Frankly everybody should be allowed to use marshmallows, in self-defense of course. Frankly, things in Paris would have been different if they had marshmallows flying in the opposite direction, get me? Guns kill people, and that's a shame. But marshmallows don't kill people. Marshmallows are soft and squishy. Marshmallows are better, much better, and I think everyone should be allowed to use them."

5. Tax Cuts for Beautiful People

"Beautiful people don't get a break in this country. There's women walking around who are absolutely a ten, absolutely, and they're paying more in taxes than someone who's a four. I think that's ridiculous. Beautiful people need money to maintain themselves. Plastic surgery, extensions, implants, all very important and these poor beautiful people deserve to use their hard-earned money to help better themselves. I will cut taxes for the beautiful people. The beautiful people deserve nothing less."

And so, I think you'll see that Donald's UPDATED plan is actually... kind of pretty okay! AMERICA IS GOING TO BE FINE! Calm down and let this man do his work! We will have cheese walls, crafts, more beautiful people, less gun violence, no more grumpy people.... and that's the America *I* want to be part of. 

DISCLAIMERTHISISNOTMEANTOINANYWAYSUPPORTANYPOLITICALSTANCEWHATSOEVER. THANKYOUANDGOODNIGHT.