Women.

Girls. Ladies. Women.

I haven't called you here today to point out another thing that's wrong with you. Or to inspire you with cheerful, admirable self-improvement. Or to complain about all the cliche problems that we, as woman, are unfortunately plagued with. *throws back a half-bottle of Midol*

No.

I am here, actually, to... *squirms uncomfortably* to apologize.

So often, I catch myself watching all of you lovely things through a lens of cynical suspicion. I analyze you. I observe you. And I ASSUME things about you. TBH, I JUDGE YOU. All of you!

Yes, there, I've said it. I, in fact, judge you. And not for the reasons you might think. I don't hate you because you're beautiful (Girl, I love you in a Valencia Filter!) or because you're successful (GET IT GIRL! TELL ME BOUT DAT JOB) or because you have a man (I mean sometimes I hate you for that, but mostly I just hate myself hahahahaha).

WHY DO I JUDGE YOU?

Because, I think you're judging me.

*slams head into desk* I'm paranoid about it!!!

And it sucks, yes - I SUCK - because I've learned this lesson time and time again. I am most likely to give girls that suspicious side-eye of disapproval when I myself feel that I have fallen short (which is, quite frankly, a lot of my life LOL *sobs*). I've learned that when I can wake up, look in the mirror, and say "damn it's a good day to be Sarah Kane" I rarely feel the need to harp on about how pretentious, insecure, immature, ignorant, and (this is my least favorite/meanest adjective...) "FAKE" all dem other hoes are!! You feel me?!?!

*Aggravated sigh*

And, I've ALSO come to recognize that the people who I JUDGE are the people who I'm most afraid of. I'm scared of them. I'm not confident enough to stand under the fiery gaze of The Cool Girl. I want The Cool Girl to like me, and I'm gonna be a whiny little turd until I feel confident enough that she's equally afraid/aloof when it comes to me.

LOL

So... this post is not calling out any of you. I'm not here to be all "Yo homie don't judge me"

Nah... go for it... LAWD KNOWS I'm doing it to you!

But like... right now, in this moment, I think you're all FANTASTIC. No matter how irritated I've been by you in the past. No matter how awkward we are when we see each other because we're both trying to keep a front up, no matter how many times I've scrolled by your posts like "Oh HAIL nah I'm not liking her stuff pshhh she mean, she nasty".

I'm sorry, I really am.

Tonight, I posted something real, honest, and vulnerable on social media. And someone that I, wellllll.... that I had always mentioned with a lovely pairing of EYE-ROLL... she liked my post. And I saw it and immediately recoiled in disgust. How dare The Cool Girl like my post! She doesn't know me! Why, just the other day so-and-so told me something SNARKY that The Cool Girl said about me! *offended gasp* And now she has the AUDACITY to like my post. *shakes head*

And then, it hit me. The Cool Girl *doesn't* know me. And you know what?

I don't know her.

I've assumed, by her strut, her style, her tone of voice, that she is, well, COOL. And that of course, naturally, she hates me. *cheerful laugh*

But I simply don't know... and when The Cool Girl liked my post, maybe she was just bein' real. Taking a minute to support a sistah. Helping me with those likes. Maybe she felt a genuine connection. Maybe she never hated me in the first place. Maybe, she's just a girl. Like me. Judging everyone, but mostly - herself.

And I no longer hold that against her.