Yesterday, at the end of another hectic week, I started off my morning with a glass of ice water and was transported back to a poignant memory from this summer.
It was the second to last week of camp (or somewhere around there!) and I had just been moved from the 12-year-old cabin to the youngest age group. I had an amazing co-counselor and a very robust group of 8-year-old girls to spend my week with.
One of them, whom I call Elizabeth (I'm not allowed to reveal her real name or too many obvious details about her life as a foster child here on the web!), has made a few other appearances on this blog. Her heart-winning transition from an uncontrollable "Jungle Girl" to my favorite camper of the summer was not without moments of insanity, much like the day I was reminded of yesterday.
After swim time, when the campers were hot, sweaty, sticky, and tired, we had one last activity before dinner. This day, that activity was Capture the Flag (one of my favorites!) and I was so absorbed in the game that I didn't notice Elizabeth and her "best friend" (let's call her Allie) had snuck off, like they often did, to the far edge of unused part of the field to do gymnastics. They frequently wandered off from the rest of our cabin during group activities, and it was a constant juggling session trying to keep them entertained and engaged, while still allowing them to have their own idea of "fun". (Which was, usually, gymnastics.)
I jogged over to check on them, and plopped myself down in the grass. "You guys need to ask me before you go anywhere!" I started.
But quickly it was obvious I was interrupting them.
"We're having a *private conversation* if that's okay," Allie said sweetly.
"Oh PLEASE," Elizabeth retorted bitterly. "Is that what you called it when you were BEST-FRIEND-CHEATING ON ME EARLIER WITH KATHERINE?!"
"Elizabeth, I wasn't best-friend-cheating on you!!!"
Elizabeth transitioned suddenly into a non-verbal little beast (like she often did) and threw herself flat on the ground and started screaming, pounding her fists into the grass.
Allie, who probably had never had a friend behave like this before, started pummelling her friend in the leg with her palm, "SIT UP! STOP IT! STOP! ELIZABETHHHHHHHHHHH!"
I dragged Allie off of Elizabeth and then scooped Elizabeth into my lap. She stayed limp like a noodle. "I should just die..." she said, "would serve you right, best-friend-cheater!" and with that she flopped completely motionless across my lap and even let her tongue hang out of her mouth dramatically (get this kid into acting class, ASAP!).
"Girls," I began, after collecting myself for a moment, "Can someone tell me why you guys are fighting? You're best friends!"
Allie, through her sobs, started off with "She says I'm best-friend-cheating on her with Katherine, but it's not true--"
And with a miracle from heaven, Elizabeth resurrected from the dead and shouted back, "You WERE TOO! You don't even like me! NOBODY LIKES ME!"
"No, no, no!" Allie shrieked. "I'M the one nobody likes! Everyone hates me!"
"NO EVERYONE HATES ME! You're my only friend and now even YOU'VE left me!" Elizabeth cried.
"NOT TRUE! YOU'RE THE ONE LEAVING ME!" Allie uttered in despair, breaking down in more sobs.
"Girls!" I finally shouted over them. "GIRLS!"
They both turned and looked at me, waiting for the inevitable threat of some kind.
I had no threats. I was exhausted, worn-out, hot and sweaty and irritated from itchy grass and screaming children and the inevitable looming failure of another long day. Nobody likes me either! I thought. Get used to it!
The girls continued to wait for my response, which came after a moment or two:
"Do you guys want to ditch this game and go on a walk?"
"Not with HER," Elizabeth growled.
"Oh come on, we're going together, and we're going to get you guys sorted out," I said. After leaving the rest of my campers in the care of other staff (God bless you, Shannon and Poppy) I took the two quarreling best friends each by the hand, and we started to walk to the dining hall.
"Here's the deal," I said. "This process will fix your angriness and your fight with each other. But it will ONLY work if you both remain totally quiet from this point on."
(I was completely making this up, and partly because I had a raging headache, but that's one of the perks of being in charge.)
The girls followed me into the dining hall, out of the disgusting July heat (ugh!). We went back to the kitchen and asked Darcy (our amazing "do it all" camp-mom) for three glasses of ice water. We carried them to a nearby table, and I made the girls sit opposite me so I could look at their sweaty little faces and try to talk some sense into them.
"Girls, when your tempers flare up, it's like a fire starts in your body. One little spark of anger can grow and grow and grow until it takes over your brain." (Again, making this up as I go.) "And it's just like a forest fire! It feeds on lots of things, especially angry words. Angry words make the fire much worse. Do you understand?"
Allie, now completely solemn and remorseful, nodded. Elizabeth, a little skeptical, shrugged.
"So, when you get angry like you both just did, you have to very carefully try and put out the fire your temper started. First, you have stop feeding the fire with angry words. Being quiet is very important when you're angry, and it might stop that fire from getting bigger. Then, you have to try and cool yourself off so that fire goes away completely. Ice water works wonders," I pushed them their glasses. "So drink this whole glass, and see if it helps."
The girls intantly guzzled their glasses. "Wow!" Allie exclaimed. "I'm not even angry anymore!"
Elizabeth shoved her glass back at me. "MORE! MORE! I'm still on fire! HELP!"
After her second glass of water was downed, she turned to Allie and they both started laughing. And then I started laughing.
"Miss Sarah," Elizabeth began, "Your face looks so red! Is that because your temper is burning you up right now?"
"Maybe," I said, "you never know..."
"QUICK!" the girls both grabbed my glass and ran to the sink to fill it up for me. "YOU GOTTA PUT THAT FIRE OUT!"
The antics continued for a few minutes, but I eventually reigned the girls back in to get some kind of, you know, "lesson" out of the whole thing.
"So, girls, you were both mad at each other because you felt like the other person didn't like you, understand you, or listen to you. But really, I think you're both very good friends to each other. When you feel like someone doesn't like you, sometimes it isn't because they don't like you. Sometimes it's because you feel insecure and don't understand how someone could possibly like you! Do you ever feel unlikeable?"
Both girls nodded seriously.
"Me too," I said. "And sometimes, when I feel like I'm not likable, I blame my friends for not liking me. But that's not fair, is it?"
The girls shook their heads.
"So," I began. "Do you think, Elizabeth, that Allie REALLY doesn't you like you? Or maybe you were just feeling a little insecure?"
Elizabeth, through her mouthful of ice, muttered, "I gueth maybeh I wath juth inthecure."
(Good answer, camper!)
"See?!" I said excitedly. "That explains your whole fight! It was silly, and when you get insecure like that, you need to remind yourself that you ARE liked, and that your friends are on your side!"
"Thure, Mith Tharah," Elizabeth chuckled, and then sneezed, accidentally shooting an ice cube out of her mouth.
It hit me, of course.
Both girls laughed and laughed and laughed, and so did I.
From that point on in the week, there a few more issues between the two friends, but they were always easily resolved, and there were a few times when even Miss Sarah herself lost her temper a little bit, and there was one such occasion where Elizabeth crossed her arms, stared me down intensely, and muttered, "Geez, Miss Sarah, have a glass of water already!"
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