You may know I have a person in my past who was, to put it tastefully, very bad.
If you didn't know that, you probably haven't been here before, and so you wouldn't know that I started this blog in order to give myself a creative outlet to help me recover from a long-term, ugly relationship with a person who is, I repeat, very bad.
(Welcome, by the way!)
I carelessly refer to him as Jerkface in conversation with those who know the backstory. But the truth is, he's more than just a jerk. He's dark. Twisted. Charming. Sneaky. Smart. Compelling. Abusive.
And the worst part is that you can add to the list:
Loved.
There it is. *ugh*
People usually just say, "Wow! What an awful guy. I'm sorry that happened to you" and I say, "I'm sorry it happened too" and it ends there.
But what I desperately want to add to the sentence is "I'm sorry it happened... I'm sorry I still care."
It's scary and upsetting and uncomfortable to care. But I do.
And you know... it's okay. Because that's love.
Despite the fact this is now my (however you slice it) abuse story, it was also my love story. I'm sorry if that makes you throw up (I'm talking to you, mom) or get mad. But it was love. It was loss. And I need to be sad about it sometimes.
So sometimes I'll admit it. And if you listen, thank you.
* * * * * *
He was punching holes in walls and I was making 911 calls.
(We were holding hands and making jokes and cooking casseroles.)
He swerved off the road screaming "I oughtta kill us both!"
(He massaged my aching neck when we got home.)
There was cursing.
(There was loving.)
There was abusing.
(There was loving.)
There was hurting.
(THERE WAS LOVING.)
There was choosing.
(And I know he chose wrong.)
But it's so confusing.
(My enemy held me all night long.)
And I'm still losing...
(I'm still fighting a war that can never be won.)
But I still love love.
And love is never done.
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