The Practical Girl's Guide to Creeps

*sips mimosa* Oh - hello there, Reader. *rises from lounge chair and strolls towards you in a floor length white gown* 

Today, we're going to talk about the unwanted attentions of attractive, classy men. Something I know ALL about. *flips hair, lighthearted laughter*

Well, actually, no... I don't know about that. But what I do know about is what EVERY woman knows about.

CREEPS.

This post is not a serious one on the nature of horrible, evil men. No. I've written other posts on that topic *laughs bitterly*. Rather, I'd like to offer a few casual ideas to implement into your "you're creepy, stop it" arsenal. That's why today I'm here to give you:

THE PRACTICAL WOMAN'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH BUMPTIOUS MALES

*applause*

And, I'd like you to notice how this article is not just about creepy people, but rather - bumptious creepy people. It's one thing to deal with slightly unnervingly weird people, but those suitors who may also be "self-assertive or proud to an irritating degree; pushy, pompous, overbearing, cocky, swaggering" are an entirely different matter, and these tips are tailored specifically for these kinds of people.

TIP #0: Avoid people!

This is a guaranteed way to get creepy people to leave you alone, butttttttt granted, it's probably not what you came here to hear, thus the designation as tip #0. But really, I recommend avoiding people whenever possible! It works.


TIP #1: Make use of less creepy people in order to combat the creepier ones.

For example - if a super creepy guy is trying to talk to you at a party (I wouldn't know, I don't go to parties...) you just need to find someone slightly less creepy who is willing to provide an escape from the creepiest person. So, the situation would look something like this...

Creepiest Person: Hey baaaaabe, you want to dance?
You: Oh, wow... I'd love to, but... *sights only moderately creepy person* Gotta go! *runs to creepy person*
Creepy Person: Hey!
You: HEYYY BEST FRIEND
Creepiest Person: Well, time to move on...

And then, once Creepiest Person is eliminated from the situation, all you need to do is ditch Creepy Person and, well, you're done! No more Creeps!

Capiche? Capiche. 


TIP #2: Let your friends handle it.

This means, upon receipt of an unwanted advance whether over phone call or text, handing the mobile device to a well-trusted friend. (Preferably one with a sense of humor.) Friends LOVE handling other people's bumptious males. It gives them a sense of fulfillment and also makes them feel trusted and included in your problems. It's a win-win!


TIP #3: Employ the "Mall Kiosk" principle. (AKA "Be Rude")

This isn't going to be easy for you pushovers well-mannered ladies, but I can assure you with practice you will get better. I want you to imagine that every creepy person who approaches you in a social setting is actually a man at a mall kiosk. Guy says, "hey can I get yo numbah?" and you might feel a sense of - well - pity, and... obligation. You might start to ramble about how you're sort of single but blah blah blah, and before you know it, Creepo has moved in for the kill. FAIL!

However. If a guy says, "hey can I sell you this overpriced flat-iron?", you KNOW your money is in grave danger and you put your shades over your eyes and speed-walk away. So just remember: if it works at the mall, it'll work anywhere. USE THE MALL-KIOSK PRINCIPLE WHENEVER POSSIBLE! Especially when there's more at stake than a flat-iron, ladies. THIS IS YOUR REPUTATION!


TIP #4: Give them your father's phone number.

This one is just for your own amusement.


TIP #5: Lie.

Do I need to explain this? Tell him you're engaged. MARRIED. Have herpes. No speak English. WHATEVER IT TAKES. Girl, I want your creative writing skills to SHINE. Trust me, I've seen my blogging greatly benefit from situations where I've had to employ falsehood. Some helpful examples of how to lie your way out of creeps are as follows:

Question: "Hey girl, you single?"
LIE: "No, well kinda, well - he gets of prison really soon - so I'm gonna go with no!"

Question: "Hey girl, wanna come over?"
LIE: "Yeah! Let me ask my dad if he'll bring me since I don't have my after-nines yet!"

Question: "Hey girl, can I take you to dinner?"
LIE: "Sorry, I'm not allowed to eat dinner! It's part of my religion. We have lotsssss of rules. I can't use utensils orhavesexbeforemarriagehahaha... But maybe we can get breakfast sometime!"

Question: "Hey girl, you looking for a good time?"
LIE: "Yeah, I need a distraction. Living with a highly contagious and crippling disease is really getting me down!"

Feel free to use these! I won't even ask for royalties.



*scene shimmers back into introductory setting*

*Sarah strolls toward you sipping on a mimosa*

And so, this brings us to the end of the Practical Girl's Guide to Creeps. I hope this helps. Just remember, for every good-looking, classy, well-mannered man, there's approximately 3874926862937281953 creeps out there.

Be careful ladies.

AND GOOD LUCK