Yesterday was, of course, a Monday. And I'm not one to read into the whole "certain days of the week are inherently worse than others" myth, but... Mondays are the worst.
This Monday began like all Mondays, with my most "interesting" class: a general humanities course in which I am consistently pelted with emotional shrapnel.
"You're going to die." My professor stalks back and forth among the rows. "DID YOU HEAR ME? You're going to die. Enkidu did. Gilgamesh did. MY PARENTS DID. And... you will. I will." This professor, God bless him, frequently cries in class.
I'm still dwelling on "YOU WILL DIE" when he throws another one out:
"Are love and war one and the same?"
I'm side-eyeing the people next to me to see their reactions, and what do I percieve but utter awe radiating from them towards our instructor. There's one particular student who was created to irritate me - we'll call him Sherlock.
Sherlock: Professor! Yes. Love and war are, in fact, the same thing.
Professor: Ahh, Sherlock. Enlighten us.
Sherlock: Love.... is a battle.
Professor: mmm, yes.
Sherlock: And what is war if not a battle for love?!
Professor: *claps hands* YES! YES!
Other students: *nodding approval* mmh, yes, yes
Me: *side eyeing everyone*
My professor clasps his hands together, staring intently out at all of us mere mortals. "Here's something. What is true?"
Me: (internally) CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT THE BOOK
The professor turns to the board, stares at the chemistry notes left over from the class before, and spins around dramatically. "Here's something. All stories... ARE LIES."
I turn again to see the reactions of SHOCK, except - nobody's shocked. Everyone’s nodding again, taking fervent, life-changing notes they’ll throw away after the test to never think about again. Mmmhmm-ing. Agreeing.
They... AGREE!
From there I slowly spiral into confusion as I try to decode the meaning behind the small but weighty phrase "all stories are lies." I used to be able to join in the shallow, careless banter of these philosophical questions, throwing out possibilities and options and questions on top of the questions - but not anymore. I'm too conscientious with my thoughts and words now. I sit and dwell. I stew. I don’t share my infant thoughts as they materialize – that seems brash, yes? Yet it’s a requirement when you are in HUMANITIES.
Later, I find myself seated at the front of a large lecture room, staring at a timeline of THE ORIGINS OF THE UNIVERSE.
Again, we have some moral conflict here, as I’m being taught evolution, which, for about 17 years of my life, was usually referred to with a different name: LIES FROM SATAN! Yes. In Sunday school, I distinctly remember a list on the board including things like “lying” “cheating” “believing in evolution” and “killing people”. The list was titled: SIN. I used to pity people who were taught evolutionary theory. Poor things. Forced to consume lies and blasphemies. What a shame.
Soooooo what now Sunday school teachers, WHAT NOW. I find myself staring at a timeline of explosions, metamorphoses, and randomness. And, well, I believe it (?). I think. Yeah. No. Yeah. *Note to self: wrestle with childhood indoctrinations about the creation of the universe.
But hey, none of that really matters, because Monday night is ASTRONOMY LAB night, and that means I get to look through a telescope at the glory of the universe as it existed…. Billions of years ago. CRAP! There’s that lie from Satan again that I believe in now… crap!
Okay, okay - shove it deep down inside of you Sarah, you can deal with all that repressed, doubt-y stuff later! But for now… It’s lab time! YAY! Time to “observe Saturn” and boy doesn’t that sound fun!
We are put into our lab groups, and I’m with some very nice freshmen (greeeeeat).
We gather our materials, read the pre-lab, and head outside with our 5 feet of telescope nestled in our arms. We set up on the quad, and quickly began to bring to reality the most disastrous 45 minutes of my life thus far.
Lab Partner Boy begins by losing a crucial, yet INCREDIBLY TINY screw from the telescope in the grass. (In the dark.) We spend a lengthy amount of time on our hands and knees staring at the ground… not at Saturn.
Lab Partner Girl won’t stop talking. For even two seconds. “Saturn’s THAT way! Being a freshman is so fun! Wow college! Ooh look, a constellation!”
The lab is an utter failure in the way that only a Monday lab can be.
We do not find Saturn. We do not pass go and collect 200 dollars.
All around me I’m hearing the excited gasps of students… “OH there it is! Look at the rings! OH MY GOSH IT HAS MOONS! Oh wow… Saturn is GORGEOUS.”
Meanwhile, I try again and again to get our group’s telescope positioned only to be thwarted by eager, useless freshman. The lab sinks quicker than the titanic, and this time, there are no survivors. Not a single question is answered on my lab, because we didn’t find Saturn and we suck.
I go up to my professor after lab and ask if there’s anything I can do to make up the missing credit, and all he says is, “No, there’s no way to make up from failing the first lab because people don’t fail the first lab.” He gives me stern look of pity from behind his bushy eyebrows and I head to my car, where I cry.
The entire ride home I see the distant orange glow of Saturn in the southwestern sky. Saturn’s mocking me! MOCKING me!
And so, upon arriving home I debriefed with the fam (who also had a bad Monday, involving rapid dogs and fights and neighborly conflicts, oh my!) and took a bath.
I used half a gallon of bubble bath, and washed all that gross Monday off of me. And then I climbed into bed, and I slept like a baby.
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