Ambition and Discontent

I spent the evening in the company of old friends, and a few strangers. I started noticing a tendency I have... when people ask me so what are you doing with your life these days? my responses are not positive and confident, they are riddled with guilt and embarrassment. I think I'm subconsciously apologizing for my life every time I explain that no, I'm not in school. No, I didn't take that internship. No, I'm not living in my own apartment anymore...

It all feels like mistakes to me. And when people ask me where I go to school, I immediately sigh, roll my eyes, and tell the sad, sad story, usually ending with "yeahh, but I'll be back in school soon so it's okay!" Well, let this post be a message to Future Sarah:

STOP IT!

Stop apologizing for your existence, just because it has a few aspects that you find less than ideal! Stop trying to prove that you're not a waste of time and air because you're going to "fix" your situation soon.

Because your situation isn't broken.

Look at how good your life is, and take the time to portray those aspects to people. When people ask me how school's going, I want to light up with excitement and say, "Wow, actually, I'm taking the year off--it's been so nice to get some rest, and to think about what I want to do in my last two years of college! I've been able to take trips, work a lot, and focus on relationships... it's been really good for me, even though it wasn't planned!"

Because, Sarah, this is your life, and it's exactly the way it's supposed to be, even though it isn't exactly how you planned it. I'm not saying this is the best you can do. I'm saying that right NOW, in this MOMENT, your life is your life and you need to make something good of it. Tonight, a young friend said something very wise about how "time flies because we're already living in the future", and that is TRUE! I am currently "wishing" away this time of my life because it feels like an accident. I'm living for the time when I'll have it "together" again... and that's a dangerous mindset.

Yes, I have ambitions, and I see things in my life that I want to improve, and I think this is great. However, I've become so tangled up in making sure I make all the right choices to keep myself in a certain place that when things happen, some beyond my control, to bring me to an unexpected place, I view it as a failure, instead of what it really is-- life. It's just life.

"Life is what happens when you're making other plans" is possibly my favorite quote of all time, and I was reminded of it tonight as I was torn between two places-- an alive, real place of laughter and company, and a lonely place in my mind where I view myself as a failure because I'm not able to present the Sarah that I had been making myself into.

The fact is, I'm not the Sarah who just finished her junior year of her Econ degree. I'm not the Sarah who's packing her bags and heading to a camp in Georgia for an internship. I'm not the Sarah who is dating a really nice guy actually he was a jerk though and celebrating their two year anniversary. I'm not even the Sarah who is active in a Church and goes to Bible studies and has a mentor, or any of those things I had signed Future Sarah up for.

I'm none of those Sarahs. And I'm constantly apologizing for it, instead of smiling at people and offering them the strong, smart, open, growing, excited Sarah that I am, unashamedly-- along with all her experience, ideas, and abilities.

Future Sarah: OFFER PEOPLE THAT!

Because there's no shame in realizing that I'm great, that I'm doing just fine, and that I have a little trust that my truest ambitions will be realized in some way or another... and since one of my ambitions is to find contentment in the present moment, well... The present moment and the unknown future work together perfectly.