OKAY, so, the past few months, I'll admit, I've flirted with the idea of dating again.
DISCLAIMER: If you are a) male b) dating a male c) feel fondly towards a male d) think males are just sooooooo awesome or e) can't appreciate humor that makes fun of males, then PLEASE:
STOP READING NOW! TURN BACK! RUN! GO LIFT WEIGHTS OR SOMETHING!
So, as I was saying, I've flirted with the idea of dating again, because, ya know. Homegirl gets lonely, has a lot of cute dresses, wants to go on dates to cutesy Chinese restaurants, be told she's the sun moon and stars to someone, get jewelry as a present instead of buying her own, etc. etc. etc.
But.
IT IS A REALLY TERRIBLE IDEA.
Let's face it. I don't understand men. *throws meticulously kept notebook filled with observations about men into the air*
I've had isolated incidents that just serve to further confuse, confound, distress, excite, upset, and unsettle me. Men are like cheesecake. I think I want it. I go out of my way to find it. I sit anxiously thinking about how much better my life would be if I had it. But then... I hate myself for it. I get a sugar high, I crash, I have MORE cheesecake, I weep, and then have really bad digestive problems for the next 16 hours.
IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT. Don't buy the cheesecake. DON'T DATE THE GUY.*
Seriously! I made myself a pros and cons list last week about men. I thought I'd share. Maybe this will also help you in determining whether or not you need a man in your life. Now keep in mind these pros and cons apply solely to men in the context of a romantic relationship. Brothers, friend's brothers, and "friends"** are all exempt from these. (For the most part.)
Cons:
-oblivious most of the time
-need a lot of food
-stinky sometimes
-bad jokes
-commitment problems
-you can't borrow their shoes
-secretly needy, insecure, and afraid under their guise of toughness and masculinity
-they might be a serial killer
-expensive at Christmas and anniversaries (put that money in a 401K, girlfriend!)***
Pros:
-good for clinging to in awkward social exchanges
-MIGHT buy you food every now and then (but you got your own $$$ so whatevs)
-helpful for opening jars, etc
As you can see, I put a lot of thought into this list. I hope it helps you in determining whether or not a man is a practical or important part of your life. Personally, I've decided love is a market. (Like the kind in economics.) When supply for men is low, demand can be too high, therefore increasing the value of men, and making you willing to pay a higher price for them. I've created a handy chart for you:
And there you have it! Obviously, by combining my pros and cons list with my "The Market For Men" chart and also taking into account personal experience, I'm SURE we can all agree that we are now well equipped to make some great life choices regarding men. But seriously girl, EVALUATE EVALUATE EVALUATE!
footnotes:
*Obviously some people can handle cheesecake. And men. Some of us, though, are young, impressionable, and far too delicate to eat rich desserts and expose our female natures to insensitive galoots who will most likely trample on our hearts.
**The jury may still be out on whether "friends" of a male nature are truly exempt from this list.
***Just think. As you hold that 100 dollar bill over the counter of the Monogrammed Everything store, think to yourself: in 50 years this guy you're buying this present for will probably be long gone. But Benjamin Franklin will never cheat on you, leave you, or have a mid-life crisis and grow a mullet. THINK ABOUT IT. Start a savings account.
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