I Wanna Love. BUT I'M SO SCARED!

Ahhhh, love. CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT IT EVEN IS! I won't get into that question right now, because it's one I've struggled with throughout the past six years of my life. "Love" in and of itself may be simpler than we think, but it's often accompanied so strongly with varying components that make it a bit more complicated. It's not the LOVE that makes a relationship complicated, maybe it's the honesty, the desire, the struggle with selfishness, or truth, or discipline... or trust.

Trust is the thorn in the side of my "love" at the moment. My trust has been shattered by a variety of things over the years, as most of you can probably relate to. There were little things that started the decline-- friends talking behind your back in middle school, your bestie harboring bitterness until it explodes in a big old fight, your church youth group letting you down in your time of need, yada yada... but then sometimes there's something big. Something that knocks the wind out of you. Like being abused, over the course of years, by a trusted authority figure.

And so. Here I am. Safe now, and out of all that, but still carrying a deep-set collection of shame, distrust, and fear.

How do I know what's really going on in people's hearts? Once-- many times-- I thought I knew people's hearts to be filled with love and Christ and a desire to care for me and others. And once-- I uncovered darkness, perversion, disrespect, lies, and just pure HORROR in a relationship I had once viewed as safe.

So. Now I struggle. Maybe I've become that dreaded term we all use to talk about our detached crush-- a COMMITMENT PHOBE. I was riding home from a friend's house with a buddy the other night, and we had a talk about how utterly scary commitment is. I think we were coming at it from different places. I know his life and situation are so different from mine, but I still resonated with the words he said. "Commitment is terrifying."

For me, at least, it's terrifying because I just don't have as high a level of trust I used to. I just don't think I can commit to someone without a secret fear that BAM, surprise! They're actually satan! AND NOW YOU'RE SUPER HURT AGAIN! *Scream of terror and despair*

But even on the smaller level-- it's hard to open myself to friends in a purely platonic way, because I'm still worried I will be "wasting" my love and affection. What if I lose them? Or we end up hating each other? Or they just... never really know and cherish me the way I think they do.

So, what do I do? I hold back my love. I distribute carefully measured quantities that I'm pretty sure I'm getting back in some way or another. I try to be smart, cautious, and calculated in my friendships, constantly evaluating and contrasting between people to try and figure out: who really loves me?

I hate it.

I deserve better for myself than this scrooge-y way of loving, and my friends deserve better from me. Moreoever-- I don't think this is how Jesus wants me to live. Does he want me to use my intellect, instinct, and guidance from the Holy Spirit to determine what friendships are healthy and valuable for me to pour my energy into? WELL DUH! But I don't think he wants me adding up tabs after a night of hanging out and deciding how much my friends love me and if it's worth my time. That's just ridiculous.

I wrote this poem back in high school. Maybe it's really bad, but I think the words are true. Here's the first snippet. The rest gets a bit cray so I won't share it.

People make people into banks.

I put everything I had into him

And waited for the day I’d get my check.

And then I figured love is not a debt

Love is not settled like a score.

Love is not for clean black ledgers 

Love is like a messy sea that pushes up against a shore

Even though the shore will always push it back.

As I struggle to trust that I won't be trampled on by my loved ones, I am constantly trying to remember the reason I love those around me at all-- God. He first loved us, after all. When we were yet sinners. DANG! There was a verse in church yesterday that I simply adored. "And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5:5) Now, yes, this verse wasn't meant in the exact context of friendship that I'm talking about-- it's about salvation-- but the words rang sooooo truuuuee for my yesterday and made me think more about the things I talked about on that care ride home: 

I love people because God loves me. Loving people is how I love (and know) God. I trust God, even when I struggle to trust people. I love those around me confidently, with the hope that wherever they fall short in loving me back, God never will. And all those other complicated aspects of relationships that taint the simple, lovely concept that love is... well. I'll keep wrestling with those and let ya know what I come up with.

In closing: you are loved. Definitely by God. And maybe even by me.