1. Missing Someone Who Treated You Badly
Stockholm syndrome. IT IS TERRIBLE! Trust me. I sobbed my eyes out on my drive home tonight over this very thing. It hurts - badly - to miss someone who was never good for you in the first place. Because one, you just miss them. And two, you hate (despise, detest, abhor) that you miss them. It's one of the most confusing, disturbing emotions I've ever experienced. And it's EASY to beat yourself up over this. DON'T. Missing someone and having lingering feelings of need and attachment after the end of a relationship show that YOU ARE NORMAL and that you are experiencing loss in a healthy way. Your heart hurts; your heart works.
2. Feeling Like a Fraud
TBH, I'm starting to think that deep down, we all feel like a fraud. Maybe we are all just faking it til we make it, yeah? Who knows. I often look on at other people and assume they have some sort of simple, understandable coherency between the person they are in our interactions and who they are in the rest of their lives. NOT SO! We ALL have a face we present. If we're all frauds, are any of us frauds?! Wouldn't fraudy-ness just become a genuine part of our human lives? HMM? Feeling like a fraud is easy when you assume other people are as happy, organized, put together etc. as they present themselves to be. But remember: you probably seem that way to them too, and I like to think that when I leave my friends they say "Damn. Sarah's great. I wish I was as great as Sarah." (It could happen.)
3. Over-Investing In People
Is there a person you will drop everything for? Yes. Her/his face just instantly appeared in your mind with a halo over it, I bet. Well, I have a few of those people too. People I love sooooo much that I will sit by my phone, move other plans, blah blah blah just to see them. Would they do the same for me? HECK NO! Yet, I let them influence my plans and my hopes. But you know, screw it. I'm still gonna get excited when those people call me because I like those people, and I'll chock it up to a shopping spree of emotions spent on metaphorical shirts that will shrink in the wash and shoes I can't walk in. Sometimes you need to spend that love anyways even if the person sucks. (Convincing myself here. Reaaaalllly convincing myself.)
4. Being A Grumpy Old Cynic
I can be very, very cynical. People who are perpetually happy and contented SCARE me. They're nice to be around for a while, but then I'm like "ok real talk, we hate everyone, right? People are all out to get us, right? The system is rigged and everything is a conspiracy, right?" And I expect my true kindred spirits to agree with those statements. I've decided I need to just embrace this dark part of my personality and use it to my advantage! Assuming the worst doesn't necessarily mean EXPECTING the worst, it just means you're prepared for it. And being a grumpy old cynic doesn't mean you can't have a shiny little optimist side to you, too. Trust me. Those two things can, oddly enough, co-exist - which brings me to my final point.
5. Feeling Discontent
I beat myself up over having idealistic, unrealistic visions for my life. But I should cut myself a break. First of all, it's nice to have a mental escape from the harsh realities of life. We all have them. And second of all, the reason I tend to stop myself in the middle of a daydream about a better life is because, to be honest, I'm not sure I deserve that better life! BUT I DO! And it's OKAY to be discontent with your life, no matter how much people tell you to chill and be grateful. I'm not sure where I got this idea from that wanting more from life is somehow sinful and against what God wants for me. Personally, I think He made me with a deep desire for a lot of things that simply may never be filled on this earth. I'm no longer trying to force myself into a numb contentedness with life. I'm gonna feel those feels, and remember that I was, in fact, made for something better than all this! *gestures at all the madness around her* AND IT'S OK TO KNOW THAT.
THE END
No comments:
Post a Comment