Sarah Kane's Driving Manual

Today I got a flustered call from my mom. Her car had been ferociously rear-ended at a red light by "mean druggies who fled the scene". Intense, I know. As I was driving to the gas station where she and our poodle were despondently waiting for the police to show up, I was reminded of the importance of road safety! Here are some tips I feel are often overlooked.

Confidence on the Road

An important part of driving is your mindset. The road is one of the most diverse places you're going to encounter throughout the day. On the road there will be doctors, druggies, angry people, happy people, hormonal youths, cute guys, friendly old ladies, police officers, and maybe even people you know. It's a crazy place - and you need to be ready for all these encounters. Make your driving decisions with confidence, flair, and optimism. Take advantage of the fact you're in public without actually having to speak to anyone - look cool, act cool. A good part of this will require owning bomb sunglasses that make you feel great. But, at the same time, a level of humility is necessary. This means always saying "thank you" when people let you over, even though they can't hear you.

Distracted Driving

There are many forms of distracted driving other than texting. Sadly, I have discovered after much trial and error that it is just not possible to eat chips and dip while operating a vehicle. In highway situations, or on more "crucial" commutes such as a poorly planned rush to work, I'd opt for easy handheld foods like bagels, cupcakes, and ice-cream cones. Avoid hot foods, as burning your tongue while driving can be very stressful and may cause you to take your misplaced anger out on a curb, or even better worse - a pedestrian.

Merging and Exiting

These are topics I don't really remember learning much about in driver's ed, so I've been forced to learn tactics experientially. When merging, I've found it helpful to vocalize your needs. "Please get over" "MOVE OVER!" and "Are you letting me in, you jerk?!" may not seem like useful phrases - since, well, no one can hear you - but I have YET to get in an accident while merging onto a highway, so research seems to show a positive benefit here! As for exiting, it's best to wait until the last minute, then dramatically cross several lanes of traffic while screaming "THIS IS MY EXIT!" This has almost always worked for me and I recommend this to anyone. Worst case scenario, you miss your exit and get to explore a new area of town. LIVE A LITTLE!

Post-Accident Procedure

Now, despite my previous tips, accidents still happen! BUT, it's just a part of life, and there is a little-talked-about series of events that have to happen post-accident. Following a bumper-humper, an appropriate first action would be to burst into tears. This relieves anxiety and adrenaline, as well as making police officers and insurance agents more sympathetic and thus, nicer. The next steps are to make your phone calls, starting off with an ambiguous "I'M OKAY, BUT..." And of course, once things are resolved with law enforcement and other involved parties, it's time to have some "post stress chill down". After my first accident, it was a lot of pain meds and watching The Princess Bride. After my Subaru was attacked by a pick-up truck, it was pink lemonade and resting in the fact that I got to miss my shift at Target! Find a routine that suits you.

Good luck out there!

P.S. If you see a bunch of mean druggies in a gold jeep let me know.