So, well, the day came. I signed up for an all-day training session and come yesterday morning, off I went with my banana and my rice cakes to the YMCA conference room.
There were ten other people in the CPR class. I knew none of them. Which was good, because I could be equally aloof with everyone and it didn't matter.
Finally, after hours of sitting in front of a projector, IT CAME TIME FOR "HANDS ON PRACTICE".
Me and my partner, a delightful yoga instructor from a neighboring Y, were assigned our dummy. I quickly learned how truly strenuous CPR is. Pump squeak pump squeak pump squeak pump squeak. We each did 150 chest compressions. Then came the INFANT dummy. Big dummy was fondly called "Bobby" while baby dummy was simply "Baby Dummy". Sad, I know. He never even got a name...
...Which was even more regretted, when, sadly, I couldn't save him. His red light flashed angrily at me as I tried desperately to get his little rubberized lungs to fill with air but... alas... it was too late by the time we figured out the plastic sanitation cover on his mouth was attached incorrectly, and the mission had been futile from the start.
With the sad, sad loss of Baby Dummy it was time to move on to AED practice. Yoga Lady and I joined up with Buff Guy and Old Guy to all perform a "group role play" scenario on Bobby Dummy. Now, for those that don't know what AED stands for, I don't know either. But it's those little shock pads you use after cardiac arrest.
Now, I know I said this was a "group role play" but Old Guy took things waaaayy too far.
"GET ME AED!" He hollered through the conference room. We got him AED. "GREAT!" He yelled, and started taking an imaginary pulse on Bobby Dummy's imaginary arm. (He didn't have arms.)
"Do you wanna try AED?" Buff Guy said kindly to... oh, me, he's talking to me. Great.
"Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure." I timidly turned on the AED box and we all watched it start up.
"Just listen to the directions the box is giving you," Our instructor said encouragingly as she strolled by the groups.
"Place pads on patient" AED box droned.
"WE'RE LOSING HIM!" Old guy bellowed, and began leaning close to Bobby Dummy's face. "I DON'T HEAR BREATHING!"
"Scanning for rhythm" AED box continued.
I had stuck the sticky pads on Bubby Dummy's lifeless chest, and AED soon suggested, "Shock. Recommended. Press. Shock. Button."
"COME ON, HE'S GONNA BE DEAD IN FIVE MINUTES!" Old Guy began doing chest compressions, completely ignoring AED, Yoga Lady, Me, and Buff Guy, who all watched him sympathetically.
"Wanna move while she does the shock?" Buff Guy asked Old Guy.
"I'M GONNA START RESCUE BREATHS!" Old Guy answered.
"Go ahead," Buff Guy said to me, with an awkward shrug.
I pushed the shock button.
"Everyone. Stand. Clear."
But Old Guy seemed deaf to the commands, as he continued doing vigorous mouth to mouth on Bobby Dummy.
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP"
"Sh*%$#@!$%@!##$@#!" Old Guy jumped off Bobby Dummy and looked at me with utter confusion and disbelief. "What are you doing?! Did I tell you to push that button?!"
"That's alright, just follow the AED instructions," Our instructor said cheerily as she passed by in her stroll around. "We're not doing CPR right now," she added, coincidentally looking at Old Guy.
"Okay," Old Guy said, gathering himself. "You're right. OKAY GUYS, I think it's time for AED. Push that button."
"I already did..." I said meekly.
"It's too late. He's gone. I'm sorry." Buff Guy shrugged, slowly taking Bobby Dummy out of Old Guy's arms and dragging him away to the instructor's bag.
Yoga lady let out a sigh of disappointment. We watched the little red light flash on Dummy Bobby's chest as he moved farther, and farther, and farther away. The little red light suddenly became a living entity and said, "you all suckkkk..." very quietly.
But, we all scored 100% on the written test, which is DEFINITELY the part that matters, so....
DON'T WORRY! SARAH KANE IS NOW CPR, FIRST AID, AND AED CERTIFIED! *thumbs up*
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