It's only 11 AM and today has already been weird. I drove to the YMCA corporate office in Asheville to get my drug test done before I begin working with the kids (because drugs + kids = BAD) and LET ME TELL YOU, modern medicine is an amazing thing.
I did NOT have to pee in a cup (which darn it, I finally feel pretty comfortable doing after all the times I've been to Urgent Care this year). Instead, they now have a looooovely new invention called OralTox, which I kid you not, is a giant tampon that you have to suck on for three minutes. GAG! It was awful. Not only did the ladies administering the test have no clue what they were doing, but I also was very confused because when I heard "swab" I thought "q-tip on the gums for 10 seconds" and not HERE'S A GIANT TUBE OF COTTON AND PLASTIC TO SHOVE DOWN YOUR THROAT FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME. It was the longest three minutes of my life.
Anyway, once I had sufficiently "swabbed" the test, it went into a nice little case that the three of us sat there looking at for a few minutes while waiting for the results. Two lines mean you're not on drugs. One line means you're on drugs. Or in my case, you are a really bad swabber and might have to REPEAT THE TEST GOSH DANG IT! *sobs*
Now I'm not on drugs, but it's still nerve-wracking watching the test lines form. It's basically a pregnancy test, except instead of a baby you get a job. (Yay.) So yes, I watched those two little pink lines darken in all of their drug-free glory. Sigh of contentment.
After some congratulatory handshakes from the ladies in the Human Resources Department for being "the first person to take a drug test for the YMCA without peeing a cup" (can I put that on my resume??) I was on my merry way.
But where next? WELLLLLL, I'm off to the dentist now, to get an assessment about getting my stingy little wisdom teeth removed. (Little devils!) So, here's to another few hours of misery in my mouth! It's been another exciting day in the life of Sarah Kane, folks.
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