The Gravity Of Hard Times

Today I woke up and laid in bed and cried. It wasn't, like some crying sessions are, over an episode of Parenthood or a video about pandas. It was over something real, something that happened to me, something that ANYONE would cry over! I thought, this just happened to me. It's okay to cry. It's still really soon.

And then I did the math and realized this happened FOUR MONTHS AGO.

A THIRD OF A YEAR AGO.

And here I am, waking up and crying about it.

It doesn't feel like four months. It feels like it happened this morning. It feels like NOTHING has happened between that moment and this one. There's no buffer of happy memories in the middle (although there ARE), list of things I've accomplished since then (ALTHOUGH THERE ARE) or just the mind-numbing effects of time working its magic on my brain (nope, none of that yet).

It feels like my life stopped in september, and everything since then is a dream! It's sad, and kinda weird, and I feel ungrateful admitting that because I've only been showered with love and friendship and opportunities since then. Sometimes, though, an experience is so heavy that it holds you back from moving on. It feels like those bad times have their own gravity. I'm constantly being pulled back into certain moments, and sometimes the harder I try to push those moments away the more I end up getting dragged into them.

But, this is a part of my life, moving forward from this, and I truly believe I WILL escape the gravity of those times. I WILL start to feel my life moving forward, and I will look back at that day in september and think, "wow, that sucked. I'm glad it's over." Because right now, it's not over.

There's a point where I feel we (as people) change, and some of our past experiences are lost to "past selves" as we grow and shed certain things (memories, values, opinions, ideas). For me, I'm still the EXACT SAME girl that I was in september, and those experiences are still carried daily. But I have faith that slowly, steadily, I will grow. And each day I'll hand a little bit of the pain to "yesterday Sarah" to hold for me. And though I may never get rid of alllllll the pain, I'll eventually have my hands full of new things. Good things, maybe!

And that's what's keeping me going! Knowing that each day, I'm fighting harder and harder against the Gravity Of Hard Times and each day I'm tossing a littttllle bit of pain over my shoulder as I press on!