Moving Past Dark Waters

     Last night as I was driving home from a friend's house, I thought a lot about how different my life looks today than I thought it would six months ago. A significant experience earlier this year has changed a lot of my plans. I haven't talked about it much (because PTSD is a thing). But, after a few months' reflection, I am ready to share this metaphor that has helped me understand the process of grief and recovery after a trauma. I hope if any of you have been in a storm lately, that you reach a place of peace after the chaos, and then the strength to move back to normalcy in your life.

     When things peaked in a crisis, I felt like I had gotten thrown off a boat into a raging ocean. Everything around me was out of control, and I couldn't stop the waters from rising, and I couldn't escape. I watched huge waves hurtling towards me. Surprisingly, however, during the eye of the storm, all I had to do was stay still and quiet. In the chaos, I felt carried. I felt like I was treading above dark waters. I just had to accept the chaos for a time, not resisting or ignoring, just letting it move me for a while.

     And then, slowly, the waters calmed and I could look around me and assess the damage. This is the stillness and processing. Resting. Realizing. Realizing two things: "dang, that was rough" and dang, I'm okay! As things began to settle around me, I saw that the storm, though it hadn't finished me off, had moved me sooooo far off course! AGH! This part is painful! It's a double-edged sword, realizing how far you've made it, and simultaneously, how far you have left to go.

     It's time to swim to shore. Back to my life. Getting back into school, finding jobs and hobbies, socializing again even! It feels like I have so far to go, and I'm so tired way out here in the water. The current is against me oftentimes. It's work. And yeah, it's sad, because I was on that nice lil' boat headed to that nice lil' place before that storm came and destroyed it. But that doesn't matter, because if I want to get to a good place again, I'll swim regardless of how I got thrown in the water!

     In the words of a great fish, "When life gets ya down you know what you gotta do? Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keeep SWIMming swiiiimming, what do we do we swim! SWIM! Ohhohohohohoh!!!" =)